7166137's blog: "What's on my mind"

I have had a lot on my mind, and I have opposite feelings about some issues that put me in an odd place, I hope I can explain.

I am a Veteran with almost 24 years total active service and six deployments. On the surface that's been one awesome experience that few get to the have the opportunity to do. I am the only one to reach the rank of Chief Petty Officer, and to stay in until retirement. My mom's brother was a Sailor, my Father and his Father were Sailors, my twin brother was a Soldier and my grandfather's brother was a Soldier.

I have a service connected disability, from a rare neurological condition that requires more thought to take steps. When I was younger, I could tackle difficult jobs, climbing, crawling underneath or inside and behind US Navy ship equipment cabinets. Now walking is difficult and trying to talk makes walking almost impossible because I have to think every step I take.

I receive medical care through the VA. Through a strange series of events, I called the Veteran's Crisis Line, because I was going through what I felt was a crisis. The person on the other end of the phone could not talk about anything other than suicide, but to make them happy, I made an appointment with the VA Mental Health clinic. They gave me a questionaire asking if I served in certain areas of the world between certain dates. Seemed simple enough.

That questionaire was the only thing two doctors used to diagnose me with severe PTSD and depression. They were preparing to do an "intervention" and admit me into the psych ward against my will. They refered to my disabiliy as an injury that could only have happened in a combat zone. I got into an arguement with them about their PhD, indicating that 1. they had read a few more books than I have and 2. they were not asking me about me. Their response was "statistically speaking......" and I stopped them. I am not a statistic. Check my ID Card, that word is not there. I told them that why I called the Crisis Line was because of problems I had in my household, there was so much hostility being aimed at me by a family that is close to each other, but decided to blame me for any problems they have. I then got labeled with anger management and adjustment disorders. I did not get admitted, but they would not let me go until I got a prescription for what I call "Happy People" pills. I have that bottle of pills, unopened and unused. That was six years ago.

I had been a computer tech my entire career inthe Navy, finishing as a Subject Matter Expert Field Service Tech for a computer system that is on every ship. I could handle any hardware, software, and even a few operator issues, including full systems inspections following new installations, periodic inspections known as INSURV (Board of Naval Inspection and Survey), and I would ride a ship at sea three to six days training the techs, sys-admins and operators to prepare them for deployment. A Captain of one Guided Missile Cruiser didn't want me to disembark at the end of my time.  I could troubleshoot over the telephone, by email, through chat and even in person. When it came time to retire, I was supposed to come back the next day as a civilian doing the same exact job. A hiring freeze in 2009 went into effect and I was the first one affected by it.

I got a job working an IT Help Desk for a very large international network. The job only required one IT Certification, Security+ which is a DoD requirement to have that job. I had that certification walking in the door, as well as A+ and Network+. I had solid troubleshooting skills, my supervisor knew that and put me into every possible queue because I could handle any problem. The problem with goverment contracts is through the bidding, companies make promises called "Service Level Agreements" which includes time spent on problems through to resolution. I was so good handling eventhe most irate callers, they would keep me on the phone because I not only fixed more problems than most techs, I explained the causes and gave them advice on how they can either prevent it in the future, or handle it on their own if that's possible. While I did get more customer positive feedback reports than anyone, I got no recognition for it, because I was not meeting the Service Level agreements, which were always changing. I was even told that to save time, any time they need to reboot their machine, I should have them push and hold the power button until it turns off, then power it back on immediately. I am an A+ technician. You do that as a last resort.

When I left that job, my clearance was suspended, not revoked. One year ago, I started a new job that required a lower clearance, and I was granted access to be able to fulfill my responsibilities. This was also a contractor job, and this time the client did not meet me until I showed up on my first day. There were concerns about my disability, and someone was trying to create a situation where the term, "reasonable accomodation" could not be possible because the client was asking for something that no company made, and to custom make one would be cost prohibitive. At seven weeks, my clearance was not reactivated, and the company used that to dismiss me.

I have now been 20 months not working as of today, minus the seven weeks last winter. I have done more than 100 job applications this year, about one dozen phone interviews, and seven in person interviews. I got one job offer in June, but that fell through only because of the clearance. Another phone interview ended as soon as they found out my clearance was not active. This is a high concentration DoD area, many IT jobs need a clearance more than they need skill. It's reached a point that if an interviewer were to ask me, "Why our comany?" my answer could be "Because 100 other companies have said, no, so why not try you guys?"

I have points of contact with the State Employment Commission and the area Workforce Connection. Virginia has the highest Veteran employment rate in the nation, which is awesome except when you're part of the less than 3% of Veterans who are still looking. I have a counselor with another State agency that works with disadvantaged people like myself, as well as people who have been out of the workforce more than 15 years raising children or over age 55. Virginia also has a program Virginia Values Veterans which was started by a non-partisan assistant to our previous governor and he's kept the job with our current governor. 

I have been to more than twenty job fairs this year. Some HR Managers and recruiters have gotten to know me so well, yet none of them can find anything. I changed my LinkedIn job title to "Professional Pen Collector and Unpaid Job Fair Consultant." One of the job fair types I have a problem with is named Recruit Military. Their Co-sponsor is Disabled American Veterans, DAV. They do both in person and online virtual career fairs. The ironic part about these is the locations they choose. Never where parking is convenient at all, having a handicap makes me need to sit down as soon as I get inside. I ask why do they have the DAV be a big part of it, why don't they do something to accomodate actual Disabled American Veterans like myself? Standard response was similar to, "the needs of the many......" so that's one I skip now. Their virtual career fairs are like being in several lounges at once, and seeing so many people ask the same questions that I can't see responses from HR. They also don't ever have companies that are hiring locally so those too I skip. 

I dislike that companies that are hiring locally want a clearance walking in. It's like they want another company to pay for the clearance. It's frustrating, but I don't have anger management issues about it.
I am sad that I don't feel like I'm a part of something in real life. I live more than 600 miles from my family. If I want to go visit for Christmas, it's like I have to stop everything with my job searching. 50+ emails from so many online recruiters. Either they're not in my field, they're not in my area, or they require a clearance before I'll be even considered.

Having no PTSD, and no depression, but being labeled with both by the VA, it bothers me when someone on Facebook puts the Suicide Hotline as their status asking people to put it on theirs. The 27 Pushup challenge to. I hate seeing both of them, I want to speak out how that does not apply to me. Yet I don't want to be inconsiderate from those who have either or both. I feel stuck.

One other thing that happened was a friend who I used to talk on the phone a lot. We could talk all day about just about anything, we could make each other laugh and get through whatever. I had that friend on the phone when I was purchasing dress clothes for job interviews and such. I had a hard time selecting dress shirts, because I wanted bolder colors. She was talking me into pale colors, and trying to pick out a couple or three ties. I mention that problem I have with being able to talk and walk. I had been on my feet for a long time, I was getting brain tired and my legs needed a break too. I don't remember the words I used, but it ended that friendship totally on the spot. 

I don't have places to go to get out and interact with people. I don't have friends or family that live near by. I have reached the point that I have become comfortable with my isolation. It's not lonliness, that would add to depression that I don't have. If I didn't own a house with a mortgage, I would have moved back home by now and at least had family close by. I don't have the means for any of this to end.

Please don't suggest that I see Mental Health again, even if that's you're field. This took a lot to write down, I hope I did the right thing. I could write ten times as much to fill in the details.