Icarus's blog: "Hope- by any other name."

Sweet mother christ.
Every ounce of my frustration is in my head right now.

Don't you just love it when your playlist pulls up the exact song you're thinkin of?

A few pills and a shot of caffeine and I should be... okayish. So I guess I spent a while trying to think where my life went wrong.

When I really think about it, it never really got off to a terrific start.
So I guess I need to stop worrying about correcting a mistake. I'm still miserable. Everything above my ribs is in agony until the drugs kick in. So I'm pretty much doing this to divert attention for the corpreal.

I put myself in a trance last night, with a goddess figure. It was a pretty interesting hallucination. She was... bright, smooth, virile, and frequently naked. Except the problem with me, and dreams, and hallucinations, and even real live sex
I'm pretty self aware.
So I'm having intellegent conversation with her, as I'm bathing with her, and she's drawing attention to her cupcake breasts and muffin ass... even as she's pressing her hips against mine, and her tits against the edge of my lips...
I'm still very aware that she is a program of my mind. Some avatar of my lonliness, some spirit guide with an innocent loving smile
about as hollow as any puppet.

And we talk about that, as she shifts and morphs throughout every fantasy, every preference, every kinky paradise.
I remember tugging on her pigtails as she drew her tongue firmly against my shaft moments after she was a dangerously ordinary woman.
The kind you just can't forget.
And yes, I did just lift that line from Cowboy Bebop.
Sue me.

That's what best described her though. She was the perfect match. She was my mind, my pain, my essence in another body... only she was stronger, she was happy.

I dunno if this was a message, a warning, or a tease.
Was this what I would have, what I deserved, or what I'll never achieve if I don't get off my ass- and now.

Before I was yanked ... pills are coming... before I was pulled from her, and returned

you ever had that feeling?
Where... you were brought back to another reality, and you knew you couldn't get back to it?
Like hopping an island... and then it sunk back into the sea.

before ... she said something
one final, very important thing,
so important that I came back...
and now I can't remember

what memento did she leave me?

What did she give me under that hypnosis?

And why do I know... she's not just a part of me?