About a year ago I was at Blockbuster with my husband. He pointed at the tv moniter and said,"Isn't that one of those girl bands that you like?" I looked up at the tv screen and saw Le Tigre singing "TKO" and I wanted to cry! It's so silly because i felt sad that Le Tigre was so popular that a few years before this they were on the Carson Daly Show....Initially, I was excited but then I was heartbroken because the girl bands that I loved so much for years (that no one I knew had ever heard of!) were no longer my little secret! For years I was so protective of this top secret underground club that I was an exclusive member of!!! I was selfish and didn't want to share-- I wanted Riot Grrrl all to myself! And now everyone knew about it! The weird thing about it was-- I wasn't even into Riot Grrrl music like I had been years ago. I was totally out of the loop and I had been for years. And when I first got into Riot Grrrl music,I didn't really have anyone to share it with and would've given anything to be around other girls in my small town that I could do zines and music with. But I didn't have that when I was younger. All that my friends cared about was boys....so I had to start something all by myself. I was on my own.
It all started in the summer of 1994. Iturned 16 that summer. I was still mourning the death of Kurt Cobain. (something none of my friends seemed to understand. they didn't even like Nirvana let alone understand why I was so upset when he died.) Music has always been my life. Nirvana had been one of my favorite bands for about 3 years ever since I saw the "Smells like teen spirit" video on Headbanger's Ball in 1991! A few years prior to this I was introduced to punk music by my older brother Joseph. He had cool skater friends that listened to the Descendents,Ramones,Black Flag,Dead Kennedys and Social Distortion. So at the age of 12 I put my Anthrax & Metallica tapes aside and got more into the mix tapes my brother made for me with music by The Misfits & Samhain....When I was 15, I started watching "Alternative Nation" hosted by the oh-so-wacky Mtv VJ Kennedy. I knew that all the cool music was labeled "alternative" even though just 2 years before it was called "indie"!! I wasn't allowed to stay up late and watch "120 minutes" on sundays because I had school the next day! One night Kennedy was interviewing Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth and they played the "Bull in the Heather" video. I couldn't keep my eyes of the cute pigtailed girl bouncing around in the video and I thought she was so cool! I didn't know who she was for a long time until I saw another interview with a very pregnant Kim Gordon and she said "That's Kathleen Hanna from Bikini Kill". I HAD to know more! I had read about Bikini Kill as well as Heavens to Betsy and Bratmobile in Sassy Magazine. And I didn't know much about this whole Riot Grrrl movement I kept hearing about...only that I was a few years behind! I recall reading a section in Sassy called "zine of the month" or something to that effect but I still wasn't sure what it was all about...My favorite bands at the time were Hole & Babes in Toyland. I had placed a pen pal ad in Metal Edge Magazine when I was 15 and as a result aquired quite a few pen pals! (up to 40 or 50 at one point! I just know it was a ridiculous amount and I don't know how the hell I kept that up!!!) I was addicted to MAIL!!! Getting my mail was the highlight of my day! I couldn't wait to get home from school everyday and find a stack of cool mail sitting on the kitchen table waiting for me! Nothing made me happier! It was the best! Mainly because at the time I was extremely lonely and felt alienated living in a very small town with part time friends.....The handfull of friends that I did have weren't always around and they were certainly not into the same music that I was into. They mostly listened to r&b and country music. Which are 2 genres of music that I have never been into. I felt especially isolated that summer because all of my friends had boyfriends and I was (as always!) SINGLE. So I reached out to the pen pal community! And in return I received a mailbox full of love and cool mail,stickers and mix tapes! The art of the mix tape was also how I was introduced to Roit Grrrl music. Thanks to my pen friend Amanda! She always made me the best mixes! Which I still have to this day!!!! The first mix she made for me included Bikini Kill,Bratmobile,Heavens To Betsy and Huggy Bear. I couldn't get enough!!! I wanted MORE!!!! She made me another mix with music by Viva Knievel,Raooul,Tourettes & Milk Money--and i was absolutley IN LOVE with this music! Soon she sent me a Kill Rock Stars catalog and I couldn't wait to order my own Riot Grrrl Records! I'm not sure what I ordered first. I just know that it made me HAPPY. Nothing was cooler than singing along to Bratmobile's "Cool Schmool" in my bedroom!
In early 1995, Amanda and her friend Meredith sent me their zine "Dustcake Girl" and I was in AWE of the AWESOMENESS of this little xeroxed work or art! I just thought it was the coolest! These girls were so cool and publishing their writing and I just thought it was the greatest thing in the world! By the end of my sophomore year, my friends and I had yet again drifted apart. I felt abandoned by them again once summer rolled around. Plus I was very disappointed that they had no interest in my newfound love for riot grrrl and zines. I was so excited to share this newly discovered phenomonon and they didn't even care. I was so bummed that I had no one to support me in my new venture to do a zine. And I tried to recruit my friends to do zines with me for so many years! I was afraid to do one by myself. I'm not sure why. I really just wanted my friends to be a part of it because they were my best friends and they were tough and they meant a lot to me and I really just wanted us to unite and create & KICK ASS. But...it never happened. They just weren't into it. Even tho I had gotten Jamie Lee to write reviews ONCE for a zine called "Lint Baby" that was never published. Which is probably a good thing because it was very embarassing because I'm sure it would've been all about how much I loved Tim Armstrong from Rancid!!!
I let Amber borrow Hole and Operation Ivy once and she actually liked them so I was proud of that!!About a year later I made her a mix of Bikini Kill and a few other RG bands but she had no response to that. I think it kind of scared her! I just remember that she had this boyfriend that I didn't like because he was abusive to her. So I gave her this mix tape thinking maybe she'd get a subliminal message and realize she didn't need that guy. I thought she'd feel the same pride and empowerment I felt when I heard Kathleen scream and yell into a microphone. But I guess she didn't get it. I wanted her to break up with her boyfriend...but she got pregnant by him instead. I had dropped out of high school my junior year and I felt so alone. I was sure that my girl friends at school would soon forget all about me. I felt like I left them all behind when I left high school because I never saw them outside of school anymore. They were kind of hard to find. So I befriended this group of boys ...that were actaully my older brothers friends but they were in my grade at school. I felt like I could relate to them better at that time anyway.Plus I was pissed at Jamie Lee because she had ditched me for a boy one night. A boy that we had both dated.(we all went out with Joel....) I was sick of girls ditching me for boys. So i just hung out with boys instead.
During this time I was getting into the Clash,Rancid,Sex Pistols and other guy fronted bands.But I also added Excuse Seventeen and Sleater-Kinney to my GRRRL collection. Corin Tucker's voice gave me chills. Sleater-Kinney always made the kind of music that made me so jealous but I couldn't help but LOVE it! They wrote songs I wish I wrote and I wished so much that I could do what they were doing and create this kind of music. Kill Rock Stars bands never played anywhere near my town. So I never had the chance to see any bands play like I wanted to so badly.
My bedroom walls were plastered with collages I made with inspiring words,riot grrrl slogans and Bikini Kill lyrics. I was so proud to be a girl...
I had had long hair down to my ass since I was 12 years old. At the age of 17 Iwas tired of it so I chopped it all off, up to right below my ears and it felt good! I felt FREE! It's weird how something so simple can make you feel so different. My hair was short...it was choppy....it was uneven---but i LOVED it!!!!
I always wanted to be a ROCKSTAR. I'd been fantisizng about being in a band since I was 8 years old! But i didn't play any instruments or know anyone else that did....so it never happened. I spent countless hours lipsycning to the Third Sex and Bratmobile and dancing in front of my mirror in my bedroom. And since the zine thing never worked out--I decided that I needed to try to do something else. I just wanted to do something...anything!!! I wanted to be a part of the Riot Grrl scene, I wanted to make a difference,
I wanted to be a part of the revolution.
I was always WRITING. And I also liked to TALK! So I decided to start writing spoken word, which at first were mostly excerpts from my journal. I was only 17. The only spoken word I had ever heard was Henry Rollins and my pieces were nothing like his.....I had no idea what I was doing. But for some reason it just came naturally to me. I just talked into my tape recorder and it just flowed. Then I cut and pasted an insert for it,photocopied it and started trading the tapes for zines. My first tape was called "debutante'--which eventually hated so I was glad only about 12 people got that tape! The next one was entitled "Tiddlywinks" and I think the majority of that was recorded in my grandma's kitchen because I liked the acoustics in there!
For awhile,everytime I ordered from Kill Rock Stars I would get a little ad for Tobi Vail's cassette label Bumpidee. So the idea of starting my own cassette label materialized sometime in 1996. I'm not sure exactly when it was but since I was doing all these spoeken word tapes--it just made sense for me to just start my own tape label. I called it "Dead Meat". I don't remember why I decided on that name but I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I worked at McDonald's at the timeand I came home smelling like dead meat and onions everyday and I hated it! And since I started doing my tape label and sending out flyers and catalogs- a lot of other grrrls doing the same thing started contacting me and I was so excited! A few girls were doing tape compilations so i decided to do one too! I put together a few ads and sent them out to people. The first band to respond was The Others. I can't even begin to explain the excitement I felt when I received this package in the mail! I also got music from The Post Toasties -a girl band from Arizona. the bass player Kim who also did a zine called "Miss Priss" -she sent me their demo. A girl named Erin (she also did a zine called "Glamour Queen") sent a few songs by her band The Volanteens. (Erin was in several bands over the years and always had cool music to send for whatever project I was working on at the time! Later she was in The Makeshift Conspiracy and Delta Dart.) I was compiling a spoken word compilation at the same time but didn't get as many contributions for that tape. So my "Riot" comp. ended up being music and spoken word. I recorded another spoken word tape in the summer of '96 and that was called "Saddlesore". I received a lot of positive feedback! so I was absolutely ecstatic that people actually liked what I was doing!
A funny story--I had a crush on this boy all summer. I ran into him one day and told him about my spoken word tape and he told me he'd like to hear it. So I saw him again later that week and he bought one. (I was going to just give it to him but it was only $3 and he insisted on buying it because I was a "starving artist") so he bought my tape not knowing that one of the tracks was about him! I don't think he ever knew--there's no way he would've known unless someone told him! it's just funny because I ran into him again at a mall about 6 months later and he told me how much he like the tape and that he was impressed. I just smiled to myself!!!
A few of my spoken word pieces got put on a few compilations. The track that got the most attention was on a compilation on the cassette label Pass The Buck. The piece was called "Cringer Turns Into Battlecat." it got good reveiws!
My spoken word was compared to Kathleen Hanna's wordcore 7" in Riot Grrrl Reveiw (and in other zines!!!!) But I had never heard that record...so i ordered it. I thought it was so great. Soon after that I ordered the Sue P. Fox cassette. I'm not sure when I got the Fakes record--it may have been before that but the "Real Fiction" album definitely had a huge influence on me and my spoken word. The spoken word on that album is just so intense and filled with emotion. It really made me want to improve my work and write something powerful like that. I started writing these long epic poem type things. That was a really important time in my life because I was so inspired. And I was like a sponge! Every little thing inspired me...I got inspiration from the littlest things!!! I've tried to recapture that feeling so many times since then (to no avail). Riot Grrrl was just such a big part of my life in 96-99 and empowered me to do so much. Just listening to strong women making strong music made me stronger. And made me realize I should be proud because I was a girl and it taught me to not be not ashamed to be who/what I was. I wasn't embarrassed to walk down the street wearing a shirt that said "My Pussy My Choice." That year I got so fed up with boys.And I soon realized I didn't have to put up with their shit. I was sick of being fucked over. I was always obsessing over boys and I was tired of it. When a relationship turned sour I'd confine myself to my room and let the music comfort me. And when I started writing spoken word it was about boys. Not one boy but several boys that I had dated. But yeah--boys inpired my writing and back then it seemed like my whole world. Of course in hindsight is see how unimportant these guys were. But those people gave me material! The shit that these boys put me through made me angry and that anger made me want to WRITE and that anger came out on paper and right out of my mouth and into my tape recorder. That's why those pieces are so genuine because it's real. I felt every sentence and I meant every word. But now I know that those boys had absolutley no impact on my life in the grand scheme of things. But my feelings about them and the fucked up situations I went thru with them had a big impact on my ART and that's all that matters --that SOMETHING came out of it. And looking back now: I don't remember the bad things about that year. I only see pink lipstick,glitter,cool zines and good music. Things were SIMPLE.
Things were just so much easier when the most importanat thing in my life was getting the new Sleater-Kinney record!!!!
At the end of 1996 I recorded a spoken word tape called "Superstar!" and it featured a spoken word piece but a rad girl named Sabrina! She was one of the few people to send something for my spoken word compilation. She was also on the "Riot!" comp....In the fall of '96 is when I started hanging out with Len, a skater boy that played drums and we shared many of the same interests. He was the only person in my town that EVER showed any interest in RG and zines and whatever I was doing. We became best friends, though we never started a band together like we wanted to....I remember I had just received a zine called "Cuite Pie" by a girl named Melon and she sent me a tape of her band Cindy Lou Who and I wanted to start a band like that! Our band never happened and we attempted to do a zine together. It was called "Space Patrol"...it was never finished. I wish we would finished it especially since I had the pleasure of interviewing Emily's Sassy Lime for it! I ended up putting that in a zine/catalog. I did the same thing with a Bis interview in early 1997. Because at that point I had never finished a zine--I'd start one and give up on it. I'd just think the whole thing was stupid and no one would like it so I just didn't finish it. So I actually didn't do a zine until I was 19. The first zine I did was called "I hate you (this is goodbye)"and I didn't even disrtibute it myself. It was only available through Pander Distro. And my first zine that I did on my own was "Veronica Lodge". It took me nearly 3 years to do a zine and that's kind of stupid considering that I wanted to do one so badly for so long. I don't know why I didn't just do it. Stop talking about it and just do it already!!! I had this big fear of rejection from the zine community. But when I finally pruduced a zine all I got was love & support!! So I thank all those girls that wrote me letters full of enthusiasum and encouragement!!!
Summer 1997 was the best time in my life because it was when I was at my most CREATIVE! T his is when "Starstruck (punk as fuck)" was written and recorded. I can only WISH that I could still write like I did that summer. It's ten years later and I never thought I'd be 29 years old and looking back at that time period and calling it my "glory days"!!!! Things were just so different back then. I guess because I was so young and everything was just so exciting for me back then. And this was the only time in my life that I didn't have a boyfriend or someone that I was obsessing over. I did have a small crush on a boy named Ryan that worked at a record store in Muncie,Indiana. Two stores in Muncie were selling my spoken word and I felt like I was on top of the world!!! One store owner told me that I was becoming "quite the local goddess" to a few girls in town. I was so happy! So i didn't need boys... I was so focused on writing and creating art. All I needed was music and zines as opposed to sex and boys!
Before I released my "Riot!" compilation (it took about a YEAR to get enough material for it!!!) I changed my "Dead Meat" label to "Ego Records". I used to tell people it was because I always got accused of being self-centered and vain (which is true-i did) but I really came up with the name because I wanted it to be 3 letters! So in my catalog I could number things EGO-001 and EGO-002 and so on....and that's the real reason I chose "EGO" as the name!!! Sabrina had recorded more spoken word so I told her I'd do a tape on "Ego" for her. Soon "Fallen Star" was released followed by a split tape by Lickety Slpit and Pretty Fury. Pretty Fury was two girls that recorded some of the coolest songs in a basement! I couldn't resist doing a tape for them! Lickety Split was an all girl band from California and they had some cool hits as well!!! My favorite being a song called "Glamour Queen".... Around this time it seemed like everyone had a tape label! It was so fun trading tapes for distro with all the other small tape labels!!! I started a distro because I wanted to include other labels tapes in my catalog! Especially sincea lot of their music was on my compilations anyway! It was just a really awesome time.
Another small label that was really great was My Room Records. It started out as a tape label but eventually they started producing their own records and I really looked up to Wendianne and the other kids at My Room because they really created a lot of good music and kicked so much ass. I really miss The Sarcastic Bitch and Goodnite Moon!!!
In early 1998, "Babelicious" was born. This was my (very) personal zine. Doing spoken word, I was used to spilling my guts and my secrets....But I really poured my heart out in this zine....I did it for about 3 years. Over the years I was sending zines and spoken word tapes to Kathleen Hanna c/o Kill Rock Stars. Anytime I wrote a letter she would write back and it made me happy that she took the time to do that. But being as popular as she was, I never thought she wold really pay attention to what I wrote or anyting because I'm sure she got tons of mail from lots of people.
There were a few times I really felt like giving up on zines.Yhen i received a letter from Kathleen and whenever I was down I would read it and it always made me feel better!!!
I noticed things started to slow down in 1999. A lot of people I used to trade zines with just stopped zining or moved on to bigger and better things.i I'd get letters from cool girls (and boys!) every once in awhile...but they were few and far between and it just wasn't the same anymore. I wasn't on that same high...I recorded a tape called "Primadonna" which I actually forgot about until I was looking through my spoken word tapes a few days ago! Leah from Teen Anthem Records asked me to do a cd.That's when "I'd start a revolution but I don't have time" came out. So I did that and she also made magnets with my photo on it and pins that said "i love jolie" as promo! (which I sent to Kathleen!) that year EGO was mostly a distro.
In 2000-I sort of lost my way.everyday was a panic attack And I was tired of feeling that way. I was so proud of the fact that I didn't drink or do drugs ( I was never straightedge but I just wasn't into drinkin' and druggin') Music got pushed to the backburner while I went out to sew some wild oats! So..2000 was the summer of boys and booze.(I did a zine about it and that turned out pretty good! So something came outta that fucked up experience!) I recorded a tape called "princess" but it was kinda lame. I'd get drunk and record and it just wasn't like what I used to do. Plus no one seemed interested in my work anymore and i wasn't taken seriously and that only made me wanna drink more.Cadallaca's "out west" ep & Sleater-Kinney's "all hands on the bad one" rekindled my love for Riot Grrrl after a bad break up in 2001. I recorded a spoken word tape called "the story of my life".
By the end of 2001 I stopped doing "Babelicious". One of the reasons I wanted to quit was because of all these popularity contest type distros. I felt inadaquate and like my zine was just not up to par compared to their zines. A lot of zinesters made me feel like my zine wasn't even worth reading let alone good enough to be included in their elite distro. I lost interest in the zine community because of this. Everything lost it's charm so I just quit. It was a BOY that made me want to get back into it. Lo-Fi Bri from St. Louis started writing to me in 2001. I think he just bought a bunch of zines at first and then we started corresponding. He sent me all these old Bratmobile and Sleater-Kinney and H2B and Le tigre videos that he had collected. It totally renewed my faith in the cause! The last issue of "Babelicious" was a split wth his last issue of his zine "Dumboy" and that came out in 2002.
I went to St Louis in March 2002 to see Le Tigre with Brian. I met Kathleen Hanna. It was the greatest night in my life. The show was great-- I danced and I sang along to every song. Before they played I spotted Kathleen in the crowd so I went over to her and as soon as she saw me she knew who i was! I handed her my zine and I think iI might have shook her hand! and I said "I'm Jolie...."she shocked me by exclaiming,"I thought that was you! I looked over and I thought 'that girl looks like Jolie!'" I was speechless!! Because Kathleen seemed just as excited to meet me! She told me that she had my magnet on her fridge and that her and Johanna "talk about me all the time like they knew me" and they were always like "Oh I wonder what Jolie's been doing" and I just stood there in amazement with my mouth hanging open! I had my picture taken with her and later during their set Kathleen dedicated "the the empty" to me. She was like "oh...this song is for Jolie!" I was standing in the front row and she points at me and says,"She's right there!" That totally made my night...It made my LIFE!!!!! And it was funny to hear Brian tell the story to him co-workers the next day :"Kathleen Hanna, who is like..The QUEEN of Riot Grrrl, came up to Jolie & hugged her!"
Later--it seemed like that moment should have meant more to me...but a few months after that I was no longer interested in zines and I stopped listening to Riot Grrrl. With the exception of a few songs on mix tapes that people made for me. The music that once was so important to me and my life--wasn't enough to save me from alcoholism and being used by boys and hating myself. I just hung out with my friends and their band for a few years. And I was fine just standing on the sidelines and cheering them on. My friend Jamie's band The Street Freaks was a huge part of my life for a few years.Jamie was my best friend and is now my husband.
I have changed so much since I was a young ambitious Riot Grrrl!! I'm so different but being a wife hasn't changed my outlook about RG and the importance that it had on my life as a teen. I'm still proud to be a girl and I'm now getting back to my "riot grrrl roots" and this zine is just the first step! I want so much to get back into creating things because there's just so much more I wanted to accomplish when I was younger that i never got the done. I want to pick up where i left off....I started writing zines again in 2004. Until recently I had all but given up on RG zines. I didn't think they existed anymore because it'd been so long since I received one in the mail. Then they started popping up all over the place! I think it was just because I didn't know where to find them. People my age weren't doing zines anymore(atleast the ones I knew back in the day) and I noticed that girl zinesters were getting younger and younger! Sure it made me feel old but it also made me happy! Because no matter what there are always gonna be new people discovering Riot Grrrl like I did when I was 16. I was just like them at one time and it's so cool to see it's still happening. It makes me happy to see young girls writing cool zines and playing kick ass music. As I get older I may not have the time and energy to do all the things I did when I was younger and it's good to see girls out there taking over! Because I am almost 30 so I am more than happy to pass on the torch! Maybe they can accomplish more than I ever did! So I am elated to know that the revolution will continue to rage on!!!
I'm so proud to say that I was once part of the RIOT GRRRL REVOLUTION!!!
