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Howdy, condensates of sentienance and cold salami, and welcome once again to Hackfest, home of all things immoral. I would make you bow, but I see you're all trying to stab your own eyes out in hopes that the rant in this edition won't corrupt your very core into a blur of babbling voices. Tonight, I wanted to show most of you an unwarranted display of mercy and pleasure. Seeing as how there are tons and tons of new movies being released, I thought that I would unburden your brain by letting you know my interpretation of how some of these movies end.
I Am Legend: Basically, this dude called Legend finds out that all of humanity was eaten by Roseanne Barr. There's this huge final battle in which he defeats the mutated version of Roseanne, also known at this point of the movie as "Rose-zilla" by stuffing an oversized chicken bone down her throat. Then there's a huge dance number where Will Smith thinks he can salvage his music career by showing his "gangsta" side.
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem: It turns out that the hybrid predator/alien was Dick Cheney, and that the whole thing was planned by the outer-space version of Condoleeza Rice to take over the United States and turn it into a huge intergalactic sweat shop. The hybrid, unfortunately, was shot in the face repeatedly by angry townspeople led by the local whore, also known as Paris Hilton.
Enchanted: Two words: Gangbanging bestiality.
Sweeney Todd: Case in point, the "Demon Barber" was none other than a frustrated John Malkovich struggling with his career. He goes off to behead Ted Turner, who for some odd reason buys his crap and criticizes it as "worse than baby drool." The movie climaxes around a huge John Woo-like gun battle between Malkovich and the beheaded Ted Turner, who turned out to be an android. It ends with Malkovich with a bullet in the eye...and not in a good way.
Beowulf: Basically, the whole movie was a documentary based on the true story of Christopher Walken in his early days, and the Grendal was really the embodiment of Satan, portrayed by Angelina Jolie strictly for the fact that the film industry liked the fact that Lucifer was hot. It ends with a hot sex scene between the two, followed by Walken sucking all the blood from Satan and becoming lord of the Underworld.
Well, that's it for Hackfest. Read the next blog or I'll figure out a way to make your clothing explode. Ta.
