SaSsYLiLAngel's blog: "Dealing with the heartache"

When you lose someone or something dear to you, it's natural to feel pain and grief. The grief process is a very normal response, and most people experience it. Reading online it says there are 5 stages for grief Denial (numbness, and shock),Bargaining,Depression,Anger, and Acceptance. I've also read throughout a person's lifetime, he or she may return to some of the earlier stages of grief, such as depression or anger. Because there are no rules or time limit to the grieving process, each individual's healing process will be different.

   In reading online and trying to figure out how to cope with everything there seems to have been hold time for me. Yesturday the actual cause of my brothers death was confirmed and since then its like its all started over for me since I got the call about him passing away. I knew finding the answer wouldn't make me feel any better its just made the tears start falling again and I cant understand why I cant seem to hold it together today! My mother tells me that I have kept myself busy and not delt with it and this is normal but Im starting to feel like Im not the strong person I once thought I was. Im wondering if the feellings I am having now are really due to the grief process or am I questioning my own self worth?

   I know it doesnt help thats its the holiday season and I know I really dont feel up for the traditional celebrations. I cant cancel the holidays cuz the kids wont understand but I dont know if I will be able to put on a fake smile and pretend its all ok.

   Seeing Niki yesturday helped although I did give her back Johnnys artbook or as Ive been calling it the Bible Of Johnny and I dont feel as close to him withoiut it here.I scanned all his artwork and saved it so I have all his stuff here. I think Im just angry with how bad the people in NM have screwwed things up. We originally where told it wasnt a heart attack but then the coronor said  Myocardium Cardiac arrest was the cause of death. The fact is no matter the cause it doesnt change the fact we will never be able to see him again and that is what hurts the most.The one thing Im having the hardest time with I look back on stupid things like yelling at him and making him cry a couple years ago when I felt he disrespected my house and I feel so bad for it because I never did say I was sorry and now I feel guilty for it. If I would have know his life would end so soon I would have taken extra time to show him how much i loved him and now he died never knowing.

  I just wonder how long I will feel this sad. Will my kids understand what all of us adults are so sad for? I cant explain it to myself so its hard to explain it to them.