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Two years ago I was sitting at home. I was wearing a pair of dark grey sweats and my favorite Mountain Dew T-shirt. I remember getting the call I answered from my brothers cell phone, I was no way prepared for the news his wife had for me. She told me that he had died and then told me to hold on that she would call me back in a minute. Tim was standing there and I dont remember which of my little ones where down in my room, all I remember was hitting the floor and the tears flowing free down my cheeks. I called my sister in law back with hoped that the call was a mistake to be told be her she was being questioned and would call me back and she asked me to contact the rest of te family. I remember calling my moms phone not wanting to be the one to tell her the news. She had already gotten a call and I then was asked to call my other sister. I called her and told her the dreadful news. That week I spent scanning pictures and putting together a sevice I can remember everything! I remember every feeling of regret and sorrow. Its been two years as of the 15th and I must admit the heartbreak is just as bad if not worse.I was going to pay rent the other day and walking right down the street from dads house a young man was walking he was wearing a blue Superman shirt and was about the same hieght and build as my brudder, and for a quick moment I was hopeful that the last two years was just a bad dream. I decided to go to dads and visit for a few and have a cup of coffee. I cannot express the sorrow my heart still feels. The memories is what gets me! I wont be able to make anymore with him and I feel robbed! I dont know if its hurt or anger that gets me still. I know it drives me whenever i hear certain songs. I just wonder if my heart will ever heal?
We all live our lives day by day. We make plans for the future without thinking that there might not be one. Two years ago our family went thru the toughest year we ever faced. In 2011 I almost lost my youngest while we where on vacation we ended up staying in Denver while Tim and Aliyah went to South Dakota because Saphires appendix ruptured, she had to have emergency surgery and was in the hospital for a few days very sick.Had I not taken her to the hospital we would have buried her. Then a month later we lost my dear baby brother. Since his death it seems like the heart and soul of our family has completely vanished.Death is so final and so sad. It makes me wonder whats the point of loving anyone when you sre going to lose them or they will lose you, those being the only 2 choices, makes you really wonder if veing cold and heartless can eliminate the pain later on. Yes to feel love is a wonderful thing weather it be from your spouse children or even a pet. But the loss of love well thats a pain that over powers the good you once felt as you know its never going to be there again. I only say this because over the last couple years my heart has become colder and guarded.
Dear Baby Brother,
The last few days have been filled with tears, regrets, and anger! I think about all the times we had growing up and how I used to tease you. I know we all have grown up and let the past go as part of growing up but I feel regrets for everything now. I feel regret for all the times I didnt pick up the phone to call and say hey, i took that luxury for granted.I look at all the petty BS that cause so much chaos in peoples lives and it makes me angry how such stupid little unimportant things cause familys to drift apart and not speak. I know I didnt tell you this but I was very proud of you and the way you where chasing your dreams finally. I keep thinking this is just a crazy dream and that I will wake up and your still here but I know its not and its hard to know I will never see you again! I can never call you and tell you the news of whats going on in our lives and I feel sick! I dont understand why this happend you had so much to live for!. I am so thankful that you have this amazing woman you spent the last 3 years with and I hope you know how much she loved you and what a wonderful person she is damn bro you where blessed there! With all the thoughts and regrets going thru my mind I still know I will be ok and thats what makes this even harder for me cuz we had no clue you had anything going on that would cause this. Brother please know I love you and will truley miss you
When you lose someone or something dear to you, it's natural to feel pain and grief. The grief process is a very normal response, and most people experience it. Reading online it says there are 5 stages for grief Denial (numbness, and shock),Bargaining,Depression,Anger, and Acceptance. I've also read throughout a person's lifetime, he or she may return to some of the earlier stages of grief, such as depression or anger. Because there are no rules or time limit to the grieving process, each individual's healing process will be different.
In reading online and trying to figure out how to cope with everything there seems to have been hold time for me. Yesturday the actual cause of my brothers death was confirmed and since then its like its all started over for me since I got the call about him passing away. I knew finding the answer wouldn't make me feel any better its just made the tears start falling again and I cant understand why I cant seem to hold it together today! My mother tells me that I have kept myself busy and not delt with it and this is normal but Im starting to feel like Im not the strong person I once thought I was. Im wondering if the feellings I am having now are really due to the grief process or am I questioning my own self worth?
I know it doesnt help thats its the holiday season and I know I really dont feel up for the traditional celebrations. I cant cancel the holidays cuz the kids wont understand but I dont know if I will be able to put on a fake smile and pretend its all ok.
Seeing Niki yesturday helped although I did give her back Johnnys artbook or as Ive been calling it the Bible Of Johnny and I dont feel as close to him withoiut it here.I scanned all his artwork and saved it so I have all his stuff here. I think Im just angry with how bad the people in NM have screwwed things up. We originally where told it wasnt a heart attack but then the coronor said Myocardium Cardiac arrest was the cause of death. The fact is no matter the cause it doesnt change the fact we will never be able to see him again and that is what hurts the most.The one thing Im having the hardest time with I look back on stupid things like yelling at him and making him cry a couple years ago when I felt he disrespected my house and I feel so bad for it because I never did say I was sorry and now I feel guilty for it. If I would have know his life would end so soon I would have taken extra time to show him how much i loved him and now he died never knowing.
I just wonder how long I will feel this sad. Will my kids understand what all of us adults are so sad for? I cant explain it to myself so its hard to explain it to them.
