89 what more could I say?
I got a lot to say, keep coming back for starters. Come on 90 days and many more. Each day is like Christmas to me, I get to see a new presents under my tree of life. I learned today just before I had a topic to write about, I was to forgive myself. Immediately that clicked in my mind that is the topic of my today’s blog. God, I want to say, I forgive myself for all my harms including to myself most of all, the tragedies are immeasurable and the times I justified when I made people volunteer and face them. My stupidity is inexcusable. Those character defects I won’t have a to chance to address until I tackle my four step and I going to take my time with that step, so I don’t let the disease scare me. I was guilty of mad choices, but I now know I must forgive myself for them also. I ready don’t feel I should forgive myself for my erotic behaviors, but then why shouldn’t I? I have to admit I was only hiding behind my lust. I became the scared little boy trapped in a growned up man. I forgive myself for those victims I thought volunteered for my lust, degrading, and sinful desires and thoughts. I might as well include my compulsiveness especially with the people I included to help me and themselves remain obsessed with our helplessly addicted dramatic, ways and means to get as many more, regardless of others peace and safety. I could list a bunch more of liabilities and never finish in order to thank god for my assets.
I want to thank god for my mind to understand I am not in control and can’t control anything with out his permission. I want to thank him for loving me and accepting my prayers for change. I am happy I was able to keep asking for his help and accepted it promptly. I never want to fall down and feel I won’t get up.
I am in positions to better myself without the use of a drink, drug, or person, still captured by the lifestyle. I don’t even care to be entertained by those who are clean but don’t practice spiritual principals, although they did their steps. I don’t want to be figured to be qualified for their drama socially accepted egotistical views. I won’t be mad if they kept their suggestions to suggestive points not orders. Don’t try to sponsor me from your seat in the rooms, over the phone unless you are my sponsor, or during our conversations b/4 or after the meetings. More times those that figure they got a handle on life, not their own life. they do their damnest to tell me what they feel about me and my growth, which is never likely positive, what I’m not and suppose to be doing, because they haven’t yet or they haven’t unscrewed the information they manipulated to suit themselves, to notice it applies to them also. I can tell those that hide behind the literature got more to hide and they still don’t recognize how noticeable to a newcomer. I don’t have to see shit, if I can smell it, to know it is near by and look down so I don’t step in it. Some of these characters tried so unsuccessfully to manipulate me with their understanding of the literature and hope I denial finding out my own understanding of God and the Literature. Same clowns and I am not talking about myself, but what I witnessed, they always fiending for validation. They mind as well hang up the mask, because I noticed they guilty of manipulating others for attention. Attention is the only reward they could be looking for this is a non profit organization. I feel proud of the fact that I don’t have to be taught to identify character defect on site. This help me recognize certain shit people do don’t have nothing to do with sanity. They should felt stupid for not recognizing one mask is too many so why do you want a 1000?
I am the man that walked into the rooms and I knew more likely I wasn’t going to change on my own, but with the information provided, I learned about change 1st. what to change came naturally, me and my sick ass ways, because I’m dangerously compulsive with my obsession due to my self centeredness. How I know I am changing is still my learning process. I am not going to state I am perfect in an imperfect world. I am though perfecting using my abilities before action to acknowledge my wrongs, admit it to God and another human being, especially one(s) I have executed with my faults, character defects, and obsessive compulsive behavior. I am not going to state I know everything, because every day I learn. Every minute I am on guard so I know when and in hopes I know how to apply my betterment attitude to other. I am the seen for my attraction not my promotion, because I don’t want to be secretly condemn for my promotion. I don’t want some to feel the mask I took off was just to manipulate them still and now hide behind the program. Meaning, I tell someone what I am doing, but my actions don’t equal my words. In actuality I still have on the mask and all I did was use the program to people to let their guard down. I go through that shit with people that boost about their clean time hoping I would volunteer myself to confiding to them for their information about staying clean. I figured out this much of the program, pray, go to meetings, don’t pick, get a sponsor, and do the step work, comes first. Now what part of that I use to stay clean and serene, that what the hell I need to confide in them about what they did. They are response for their recovery, not mine. I want to display a significant amount of joy, peace, and strong qualities that show I have forgave me. Not using one day at a time shows I am grateful to God and myself.
