Going into my 4 month
Addict name Carlton. I am going into my 4 month, a 107 days to be exact. I was looking at my life in dept and I noticed I came a long ways in short period of time. I feel like superman transforming from an active obsessed compulsive addict morph into a striving to be a dependable, sociable, willing and able, contributing member of many arenas that society of any kind will admire by my attraction instead of looking to hear my promotion.
O my, what a difference I made when I realized what being obsessed with being high was. I can now focus on my different disabilities and know they all resulted to mismanagement quickly escalating to unmanageable I allowed. I had all the warning signs flashing in my face. Anyone who notice or is told that all of sudden their in capabilities are due to the desire not be manageable, because of drugs better listen. In me, all things slowly started happening, but in reality, they was moving quickly. After awhile it, were no options left to ignore what made me appear powerless with my applications to control? I had become a derelict of my own social society, me, my, & I. I was a member of the have not and was comfortable with want nothing, but a drug club, so my name became who. When I was asked to do something beneficial, because my addict was not so noticeable, I was locked up with this disease, I was constantly answering a question with a question, WHO? Hell to me it was a statement of the answer that meant no, but my tongue wasn't strong enough to spit that omission out, so I showed most times, I wasn't doing what was required. If no one was answering my jeopardy question, "what could I do to keep using and be manageable? That most times nothing else mattered. In my mind for some time I assumed the disease was backing me up like a cop would do with his partner.
I was empowering every source of dealer who had what I desired and kept me chasing the quickly eluding high, as long as I had money my illusion was supported, (“look out for when you see me coming. I want more of them things, if the quality is right). Some of them knew it could be half-decent and if the block was empty or the garbage men were out, they had my business. They would literally fight or possibly kill one another for my dollars. In the beginning I was big money in the end I was on some other tip. I probably paid their rents, car notes, put their children thru college, in days the way I was catering to this hungry beast that moved my soul over and required my responsibility only pay attention to stroking its ego.
I was ok with the euphoria just for the moment. Once that motherfuckin situation started becoming more and more out of sync and range, I was becoming this characteristic-less being, who’s self obsession with the core of his wants for narcotics, yeah that dangerous shit we was warned about, multiplied by 10. My alphabet cereal and soup had words in it like coke, Shirley, pills, weed, crack or what I was going to do to get that shit. In my mind the only thinking withdrawal from my five senses, was who had a dollar I could have and did not bother me about why I wanted it? I was operating on how to hide the fact from my family and friends I was self worthless to many. I would remain as long as I dwindled on how to attain this illusion of being high feeling, which always seem to slip thru my fingers the minute I exhaled. I was practicing stuffing my pipe with more and more, as long as the money provides the close to good stuff. In the very end, God started playing a game of patty cake with me. I thought I was smart enough to rob patty and snatch them cakes. Come to find out God knew patty and them cakes wasn’t right. I thought to myself wait until I see this motherfucker. He had the nerve to allow me to feel I took some good shit. All I had done was stumble across the shit he didn’t even want. He was probably glad I found it. My mind never wanted me to ask for shit it. The disease told me to hook and crook mode 24-7. Why would I ask and do not get it? It made no sense for me too get shit on the arm when I could be slick and snatch that shit straight out his palm. I had many victims, who volunteered their trust in me and never knew I didn’t know how far I could trust myself. Their goes that euphoria creeping away just as soon as I was getting the idea how to outsmart it. Maybe next time.
In my mind I was the head of something which did not have no leaders, but leave it to me I was controlling something. Most times the person with something at the time or the person with the most could lead a team to the Gold in the Olympics to be truthful. In the rooms, two addicts together is a meeting. On the streets two addicts together mean they up to something. If it is a drought on earth and a mother fucker, say they got that shit on the moon. I guarantee you, if one of them addicts is like me we will be there before the night is out. If I tell you an ant can pull a train, hitch him up. Some sort of transportation is going to get us close enough to that shit. Now how we get that transportation depends on the resources available. If we are in Florida watch out NASA, a nigga going to figure out how to borrow (in my mind that wasn’t stealing. I might bring it back) and fly one of them space shuttles. O did I mention I do not have near driver's license and I will not comment on how PS2 was my drivers Ed class.
The thing about drugs leadership comes like first has first lead or the first with the most gets the job. And I wasn’t the head all the time or the best choice, so I had to settle for being the caboose more times then I can remember. Plenty of times I wasn't even on the train. From the situations, I learned certain shit came with that ass way of thinking and accepting. In time, I learned not to adapt to a lot of the bullshit, because I was tagging along. I had my own bullshit, so why should I accept any one else's? The only time two addicts are ever going to be on the same page is when they don't have shit and their mission is get that medicine by Malcolm's theory: Any Means Necessary, The Street Way HOOK and/or CROOK, and always keep Murphy's Law in mind, whatever is going to happen will happen, fuck it, was my thoughts. I guess that is why I stayed stuck on stupid for so long. I feel for the still suffering addicts and those that are sharing clean living dirty. Put that mask down and look in the firkin mirror this shit about you too.
I just knew smoking was the best choice, after sniffing was taking me somewhere I don’t recall being comfortable all the time. Since I thought I was superman that S must stood for snort, sniff, or smoke, because I wasn’t Shooting shit, except in or on people. Sorry for those of you that might have been caught in the cross fire from whichever gun I used. My insanity was always fucking with me, especially after I was burnt, it should have been over at that moment, but it was not. I could not accept the fact real was not in the picture. I had to still smoke it or like I use to call it test it out anyway. Should had kicked my own ass for trying to justify that ridiculous shit. My insanity pimped my dumb ass for a lifetime. Today, I know back then I was not mentally balance. I was unstable as a table with three legs and no screws to hold it together. I am glad I am here to write about the truth. I am glad today God opened my eyes so I could finally find a room that house the same sick individuals like myself. People who now do not have to chase their obsessions because their emotions are being trained just one of anything is not acceptable in any column. I am glad to be inauguration to the 90 /90. Instead of 90 meetings in 90 days, I went to 167 meetings in all. Through that knowledge they had waiting I arrest that superman character and become Carlton H aka Clark Kent. Clark is a clean cut mother fucker, he don't required no cape or crack to fly high, nature highs keep me elevated just for today.
Today nothing is better than looking at who I am not. In addition, some of those have nots are not, because I do not want it, but because being patient is what is possible just for today. I know one thing that I cannot put in the category is using people, places, and things. I am tired of taking advantage of opportunities that lead me nowhere or lead to have to answer some uncomfortable questions, so I deleted those shits from my agenda. I really have to Thank God for stopping me right around the corner from where I was when I gave up on my $80k business venture. I felt God had a purpose and reinstalled that seed back in my head. I went to jail around the corner from where my business inside a business was located. To make matters seem more rewarding I seen one of my partners, who claimed he had my back and he was on his big tymers talk about rejuvenating something I really didn’t see no option called help in my vision. I do not recall I was accepting applications for the use my ass position. You think I forgot how my talent and I were raped? Because of my using, I know I volunteered. Personally, at times that lesson hurt so bad it felt better to keep the recycling process alive and well later. Why would I be Peter again to make sure Paul Eat?
I can tell you what I am not just for today. I am not the old crack head, the once weed hound, the crazed fan of Shirley, who later married her. I do and did with her not to many people feel comfortable about admitting or care to remember. I know I am not that same inhumane person that cannot lift his head up and notice the big picture. I am not that person that drops his head and be afraid to make eye contact, because one eye might be looking like it is trying to be wonder off peeking in someone else business. No I am not afraid to smile wondering, if people could see the teeth missing in the back or I am afraid they going to comment I need to stop eating that butter. I can’t justify that I brush them enough and it won’t come clean due to I smoked whatever. Hell I might have to get them shits sandblasted and that probably won't change shit of course; mother fuckers will find something to bash you on. I know some people that could light up the galaxy when they smile. No, I am not that whore who prey was bitches and if you look like one you might have gotten a turn, just cut the lights out and we will talk about that shit never. No, I will not lower my standards to be accepted, by certain circles, venue, societies, or families, especially if they sound clean and living dirty. Their actions march together like a band of misfits in Iraq. I am not that slowed sharing his thinking person, because he afraid no one wants to hear an addict anyway. Hell it took me a minute to realize those that pretend not hear what you said, are not necessary ignoring me. They still addicted or afraid of their reservations Carlton. They are not use to information informing them about changing, maturing, and how not to desire suicidal options. They waiting for someone (me or like me) to say wheres it at, and do not worry I will not tell. I am not the one that is going to validate their true bill indictment bullshit. I do not play with my disease. I know that mother fucker is capable of convincing me they need my company and I take its advice. I am not that "nigger," that "never is gonna get a head." I am not that other "nigger" that believe because I am an addict I am "never is gonna get equal respect." When I changed my mind, I changed the status of how people looked me and it was not about what they thought. I had to remind myself it was what I always knew. Now that I think about it, I am definitely not that "nigga", who "never is getting goals accomplished." Think about this and let it marinate, I accomplished one of my goals already if you got this far. Personally, if you finished reading this, well, that was one of my goals. I wanted to be able to write something anybody could read from start to finish. The other goals are also possible, hoping you enjoyed it and hope I was able help someone. Thanks for reading what I had to share.
