Tattooed Mama's blog: "feelings"

I'm being a big fuckin baby cuz I have a sinus infection that is making me cough like no other. I hurt so bad and I just want to stop coughing. I've been drinking tea and cough syrup like it's going out of style, plus I'm on antibiotics. I just want to feel better!!! ok I think I'm done being a baby.

ok, I have to bitch about this.... ok, I work 2 weeks on, 1 week off. When Im working I put in between 80 to 120 hours a week. I don't have a lot of time for anything. I'm sick and tired of people telling me that I have NO time for them. Well, I'm sorry. I told everyone when I got the job that I would be busy a lot! So if I set aside time for you, TAKE IT! And don't bitch at me that I don't have time for you or that you never see me! I'm trying! Either deal with it or move on. ok thanks. I feel better.

ok, wow. words cannot express what I'm feeling at this moment. I'm devastated, but almost relieved. I want to be with him, but I can't be with someone that doesn't know what he wants or can't communicate to me anything. Thanks for all the good times Jas, I'll miss you. And I really did love you.

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard Him say. "A Mother has a baby" This we know is true "But God can you be a Mother, When your baby's not with you?" "Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice "I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay. " "I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here. " He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw the tear. "I wish I could show you, What your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, With all the other children and say... 'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come strait here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much, But I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here. ' "So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother. Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"

These first songs describes how I feel about the guy that I thought was in my life: Lie To Me - 12 Stones Our candle burns away, the ashes full of lies I gave my soul to you You cut me from behind No where to run And no where to hide You're scared of the truth I'm tired of the lies Cause who I am Is where you wanna be Don't act like an angel You're fallen again You're no superhero I've found in the end So lie to me once again And tell me everything will be alright Lie to me once again And ask yourself before we say goodbye Well goodbye Was it worth it in the end? You said you were there for me You wouldn't let me fall All the times I shared with you Were you even there at all? No where to run And no where to hide You're scared of the truth I'm tired of the lies Cause who I am Is where you wanna be Don't act like an angel You're fallen again You're no superhero I've found in the end So lie to me once again And tell me everything will be alright Lie to me once again And ask yourself before we say goodbye Well goodbye Was it worth it in the end? Why'd you have to up a run away? A million miles away I wanna close my eyes and make believe That I never found you Just when I put my guard away It's the same old story You left me broken and betrayed It's the same old story Don't act like an angel You're fallen again You're no superhero I've found in the end So lie to me once again And tell me everything will be alright Lie to me once again And ask yourself before we say goodbye Well goodbye Was it worth it in the end? Lie to me once again It's the same old story Lie to me once again It's the same old story Was it worth it in the end? Already Gone - Crossfade I will not leave a letter nothing at all I'm sure you won't notice that I'm even gone I wont break this silence we've shared for so long I will be strong I will not leave a letter nothing at all I'm sure you won't notice that I'm even gone Why did I stay here stay for so long When we're so far gone I feel so stupid taking this fall I should have seen it known all along I won't break this silence we've shared for so long I will be strong What could you possibly want from me Can't you see I'm already gone Everything we thought we'd be I still don't feel sorry for this loss I will not waste a moment thinking these thoughts Forgetting comes easy I never cared at all Hurt became hate now I'm feeling the strain There's just too much pain Falling to pieces get swept away Left all our pictures some to fade I won't break this silence we've shared for so long I will be strong What could you possibly want from me Can't you see I'm already gone Everything we thought we'd be I still don't feel sorry for this loss You don't have to say anything at all I wont stop you from walking away I'll do nothing at all Sitting here I waste a day, While the memories fade away, You know I expected so much more from you Breath - Breaking Benjamin I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like. Is it over yet, in my head? I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind. Is it over yet? I can't win. So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes. I'm going all the way, get away, please. [Chorus:] You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you. This will be all over soon. Pour salt into the open wound. Is it over yet? Let me in. So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes. I'm going all the way, get away, please. [Chorus:] You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you. [Bridge] I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating. [Chorus:] You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you These songs describe how I feel about my life and myself right now: Cold - Crossfade Looking back at me I see That I never really got it right I never stopped to think of you I'm always wrapped up in Things I cannot win You are the antidote that gets me by Something strong Like a drug that gets me high [Chorus x2:] What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold To you I'm sorry about all the lies Maybe in a different light You could see me stand on my own again Cause now i can see You were the antidote that got me by Something strong like a drug that got me high [Chorus x2] I never meant to be so cold I never really wanted you to see The screwed up side of me that I keep Locked inside of me so deep It always seems to get to me I never really wanted you to go So many things you should have known I guess for me theres just no hope I never meant to be so cold [Chorus x2] Coming Undone - Korn Keep holding on When my brain's tickin' like a bomb Guess the black thoughts have come Again to get me Sweet bitter words Unlike nothing I have heard Sing along mocking bird You don't affect me That's right Deliverance of my heart Please strike Be deliberate [Chorus] Wait I'm coming undone Irate I'm coming undone Too late I'm coming undone One looks so strong So delicate Wait I'm starting to suffocate And soon I anticipate I'm coming undone One looks so strong So delicate Choke choke again I thought my demons were my friends Getting me in the end They're out to get me Since I was young I've tasted sorrow on my tongue And this sweet sugar gun Does not protect me That's right Trigger between my eyes Please strike Make it quick now [Chorus] I'm trying to hold it together Head is lighter than a feather Looks like i'm not getting better Not getting better [Chorus] Last Resort - Papa Roach Cut my life into pieces I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding Do you even care if I die bleeding Would it be wrong, would it be right If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late and I was empty within Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin Downward spiral, where do I begin It all started when I lost my mother No love for myself and no love for another Searching to find a love upon a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I can't go on living this way More to come.... I'm sure I'll find more....

Well, after Sunday, I have a new outlook on life. I am VERY thankful I am alive. Sunday morning I was on my way to work when I hit a patch of ice on the interstate and rolled my company pickup. I was wearing my seatbelt thank god. It was the scariest thing I have ever been thru in my life. I could have been seriously hurt! I walked away with bumps, scrapes, and bruises. If I would have rolled another time, I probably would have been seriously hurt or even killed. That nite, I was laying there, dozed off, and I had an image of a truck smashing into something. I woke with a start and jumped out of bed, scared as shit. That's when it hit me. I sat and cried, thinking I could have left my daughter motherless. I really truely believe in angels now. My son Mattie was up there looking out for me and Melissa that day. I now realize that every day is a gift, you never know when you might not be here anymore. I plan to live my life to its fullest. I want to love with everything I have. I have so much I need to do before my time. I need to tell the people I love that I DO love them, more often. So, to each and everyone of you, I love you. Wether it be in a "in love" way, friendship love, family love, I LOVE YOU. And Mattie, Mommy loves you, and thanks you for reaching out and keeping me safe so I can be here to raise your sister. I can't wait to see you again so I can hug you and kiss you and thank you. =)

I don’t know about anything anymore.... Current mood: depressed Life just sucks in general right now. I hate the holiday season. I hate change. Especially when there is nothing you can do about it. I was comfortable where I was at, now everything is being fucked up. Now I have a new job. Something I've never done before. I'm so fuckin scared about it, as well as excited. It's gonna be more hours, but at least I will get days off. I never get any days off with the job I'm finishing up. I'm sick of it. I'm so tired. I can never get anything done at my house. I never see my daughter. I miss my son. Why can't he be here? I don't feel right. Something is terribly wrong. I can feel that. I don't know what to do anymore, I thought I could do all this on my own, but I can't. I can't do it anymore. But in another way I have to. I have to prove myself. To everyone. I can't go back. I guess I need to make some decisions and make some sacrfices. I want to be everything to everyone, and I can't. Not right now. I'm going to go into hiding I think. For a little while at least. I need to regain my sanity.

MOMS & GRANDMOMS > > > > > > Somebody said that a child is carried in its > mother's womb for nine months. > > > > Somebody does not know that a child is carried in > its mother's heart forever. > > > > Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back > to normal after you've had a baby. > > > > Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, > normal is history. > > > > Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by > instinct. > > > > Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. > > > > Somebody said being a mother is boring. > > > > Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager > with a driver's permit. > > > > Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child > will "turn out good." > > > > Somebody mistakenly thinks a child comes with > directions and a guarantee. > > > > Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their > voices. > > > > Somebody never came out the back door just in time > to see her child > > hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen > window. > > > > Somebody said you don't need an education to be a > mother. > > > > Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math. > > > > Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much > as you love the first. > > > > Somebody doesn't have five children. > > > > Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to > her child-rearing > > questions in the books. > > > > Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose. > > > > Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is > labor and delivery. > > > > Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for > the first day of kindergarten. > > > > Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes > closed and one hand > > tied behind her back. > > > > Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to > sell cookies. > > > > Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her > child gets married. > > > > Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son > or daughter-in-law > > to a mother's heartstrings. > > > > Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last > child leaves home. > > > > Somebody never had grandchildren. > > > > Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you > don't need to tell her. > > > > Somebody isn't a mother.

I am now offically divorced!!! My ex has to pay me child support, all the bills, and my attorney fees! I'm lookin at getting a pretty penny!!!! WOOT WOOT!!! I have had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm so thankful that it's over with and I no longer have any ties to him. So, it's celebration time!!!!

Well I've compiled a list of what I want in a man... some of them may seem shallow but who cares? 1. has to be taller than me 2. has to be mature 3. has to have a sense of humor 4. has to like tats, either on me or on themselves 5. has to appreciate bigger women like myself 6. has to like kids 7. has to want kids 8. has to be willing to come to me for awhile, until I can get my shit here cleared up 9. has to be willing to work 10. has to understand that I have some issues that will be there no matter what 11. has to care and love me (that's the biggest one) I'm sure I'll think of others, but for now, this is what I want, and I won't waiver from it!