Ok I wrote this earlier this week but haven't had a chance to post it until now........Thoughts circling around I need to get away and free my mind. Why do I miss someone who never took a breath? Is it because they were a part of my heart and soul or just my longing for a child of my own. Why would this one hit me harder than the others. It's made me feel that I am not meant to be a mom, I believe god puts on you what you can stand and that going through things makes you stronger, but I don't think I can take much more. I have a big heart and think I am a decent person. When I try to talk about this I am told it just wasn't meant the time and so I keep it all bottled up. I have also been thinking alot of my daddy I have never set down and cried about him, I miss him so much I remember his smile and laugh. The way he would switch words around and all his little nick names he had for people, but most of all I remember him sitting on the couch playing guitar, or watching the race or the cubbies well when Sosa played for em anyways. I long for my night time walks talking to Krystle while walking or walking by myself listening to my music, it relaxes me and helps to clear my mind. I feel like lately I can't do anything right and people get mad at me if it's not done the way they want it done and right away. That makes me feel so small, and worthless but when I say something about how I feel I am told that I am thinking stupid or assuming things which doesn't help my self esteem any. I want to be happy and feel like for a lil while now I have not been I feel I have to walk on egg shells around people I want to be myself. Crazy, confused, romantic,and sometimes bitchy and want people to like me for that person the true me. I have also been unhappy at work, I used to look forward to going to work everyday, now I feel distant from people I was once close to, my kids are moving on, I feel like I am ready for more than teaching but don't think I will ever be in the position there to show that. Now that I have rambled on and everyone probably thinks I am crazy I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. If you want let me know what you think.
