Icarus's blog: "Hurts to watch."

Things certainly have changed in the last six months.

So much so that I forgot who I am.

I'm chained. Strapped. Orderly.
Routine.

I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this.

Schedules and I never really got on so great.

Meanwhile I'm running the same load of laundry for the fourth time in the dryer.

It's not a particularly big or thick load

My dryer's just a pile of turds.
And in my infinite wisdom I started another load directly behind it thinking "surely if I start it at six it'll be done by midnight!"

.................................................................................................................................................................................

That's the part where I open up this huge hateful compartment in my head and rage on every aspect of my life that I dislike.

It starts with the dryer
and ends on the high note of me.

At what expense has my security come?
I have a paycheck.
I have friends.
I have a dog.
I have hobbies.
I have a complete lack of a fantasy life.

I just turn off when the day starts
and I stay off.

While everyone else is making steps in their lives, I find myself just regaining my footing.

Its miserable.
And all for what someone did to me.
Two years off my life.

I guess I should stop being afraid of it, and start taking my life back.

I dunno where to start.
Maybe I already did, and I just can't see it.
I've been swimming upstream so long I may not have noticed that I started treading water.

I think artistically I've all but fallen off the map.
Emotionally I'm ...........................................................................................
back to not having emotions.

I have handholds and no prize.
No carrot at the end of the stick.

I can't even decide what it'd be.
A body of work?
A wife and white picket fences?
A threeway and 2 lines of blow?
The freedom to point in one direction
and just
go.

A day I wake up and only answer to me...

oh yeah...
because I wanted to be a writer.