I can't sit here and share my story without first understanding and learning it myself , and other things related to my story. In hopes to reach out and try to help others !
Depression is not something to be ashamed of . But often times it makes us feel that way. Depression attacks our very souls. It makes us question why we are here in this world . Fighting a unseen dark demon in our minds . Some people seem to think it is a simple sad and should be easily to get over . To those people, you need to realize it's way more than just a simple sad . Be cause there is no control over the a million dark bad thoughts you think about yourself in your mind . It's like living a reacurring nightmere . I said I wouldn't let it beat me this year . After dealing with it for so long . But the truth is, that it still comes like a plaque anyway . But , I have a little girl to think of, and for so many things . so I have to pull my self together . So that she don't see that I am dealling with something she wouldn't understand. But I do have her to thank for being here still breathing . I fear with out her . I wouldn't be here . There was times in my life that I wanted to give up . To self afflict pain, just so that I can feel something other than the emptiness I was feeling at the time . There is beauty beyond the darkness , It is hard to see and to get to that light in your mind . But well worth it if you can . Depression can make you impulsive, I know ! I had done things not necessarly good . Things that I thought would make me happy reguardless of what it may cost . The happy wouldn't last long afterwards . And than I was left feeling more empty and more loss than I was before . Hating myself ! However I learned about forgivenes and forgivness is a interesting thing and can be wonderful . See , you need to forgive in order to move on . The most important thing is to forgive your self and believe me it is harder than forgiving someone that has done you wrong . And it is okay to forgive someone that did you wrong as long as you know the forgivness is't for them its for you . We all need that self clarity to move forward . My problem is I don't talk about my problems much . Instead ! I push people away and I hide or run . But I am tired of running and I am tired of hiding . And yet I still fear getting too close to people . I am not trying to seek attention. nor do I want someone to feel sorry for me . I just want people to read this and know they aren't alone . Even though in a room full of people we feel like it . I had people tell me " I am here if you need me or need to talk " I would thank them kindly , but I wouldn't even close to trying to talk to anyone about whats in my head. I didn't want to burden them on my thoughts , because quite honestly I didn't know what I was going through, I didn't understand it myself and half the times there be no reason why I was depressed, so how can I talk with a blank mind ? I will say this , depression for me probably started in my early teens . but I thought nothing of it , I thought it was normal , because I was told teens go through all these different phases . So I just go about my day like nothing was bothering me . However there was a dark sinister time of aweful things that happened to me to sent me on this road of growing up . But I hid that stuff and pushed it down . I really didn't want to use that time of my life as an excuse on why I was feeling different . However I kow now that it was the source of the depression that has lasted me for so many years , And I had counseling . Once when I was a kid and I wasn't much in to listening to anything she had to say . And once again when I was in my late teens and this time I did listen but I didn't like the question " how did that make you feel ? " or sit and tell me things I had already told her , didn't seem like much help so I stop going . And once more last year where I ended up in the phych ward for a weekend . Now that one help some . But I still dealt with a lot more stuff in my mind that I realized I had to fix for myself . That took some more months later . almost a year and I still get moments, but I have been able to fight it a little better . It's sad to say but some of this healing took me losing a friend to death to open my eyes to the beauty of life . And I started to reevaluate my life . And made me want to change the way I seen my depression . But before I would ignore it and tell people I was fine, when reality I was not . I didn't want to face the fact I was sick or had a problem . I used a lot of forced smiles and humor as a cover . For a long time last year no one knew I was lost in my darkness . I know how hard it is to reach out , when you think you will be judged or have someone tell you " it will get better " knowing deep down things don't hardly get better . We just get better at faking a smile or hiding the things in out mind . Just to make someone else smile and be happy . We loose so many people to this sickness . And just because they choose they couldn't be of this world any more, does not make them weak . They just didn't have the help they needed or support and sadly the love . They got so far in thier darkness they couldn't see the light , they were lost . And it is very hard to come back from that point, I know Ii almost got lost myself a few times . Walking around in a zombie state of mind . There is no easy way to deal with depression . Each person is on a diffrent level and acts in different ways . I think we are the most needy and I think need more attention . However I not the one to really show I need those things . But I say to help someone you love , just show compassion , support , love and above all don't treat us like we are crazy . The support of family and friends mean so mauch and can help more than you realize . And most healing has to come from us, this is true . Depends on how much we are willing to fight . That being said I had learned so much in this life . On how much I have missed out because I couldn't get out of my darkness long enough to get out of my P.j's or even on my own daughter turn her away on so many things because I was in my dark place , and I would feel like crap afterwards . I seen how it effected other people around me, my family and friends , I have pushed friends away because of the terrible thoughts I had . And I can't say I am sorry enough . Truth is I don't even know if my story will be read , or if it will help in any way to any one at all . But I have hope , and thats all I can have . I know I need to stand tall and stay strong and proud not just for my self but for everyone around me . But it isn't easy to do . I end up feeling guilty and punish myself or beat myself up. So please share your smile, be kind, you never know what someone is going through . Please pass this story on, and try to reach out.
