Reeka's blog: "Cancer stuffs"

are almost as goofy as you fu-friends. My hubby went off to a surprise party last night for one of our friends' birthdays. He came home with a giant card decorated with lots of boob stuff. I thought it would be fun to share some of the comments they wrote. "We love u sorry about the tits" Shane (the birthday boy) "your boobies are soooo going to look better than my "26" year old boobs biatch!" sara "now you are going to have to steal my shirts! Again, again, and again! I ♥ you" sara "I have a whole 5th of buttershots and noone will help me drink it! I need help!!" DC OK, so most of the rest of them are "normal" comments. Including well wishes from the staff at Buffalo Wild Wings who gave them the supplies to make the card with.

Well, everything seems to have gone very routinely. They removed one lymph node to biopsy; I will have pathology results by next Thursday. I'm already missing my morphine button I have percocet, but i'm not allowed to take it for another 1/2 hour... in quite a bit of pain at this point. It's quite shocking to look down and see just how lopsided I am. There is a tissue expander in place with a small amount of saline in it; it's probably about a b cup at this point. I'm also really tired because I seem to be having an allergy to one of the meds I'm on... so I'm taking benadryl on top of narcotics. Yay for sleepy sleepy time. That's all I can think of to say at the moment... Please, all you women, take the time to do breast self-exams monthly and get your mammograms!

In about 5 hours, I go in for my lymph node mapping procedure. They will inject me with a radioactive tracer and three hours later, use a special geiger counter to locate the lymph nodes with the most concentration so they know which ones to remove and test in tomorrow's surgery. I will be getting a call later today telling me when my surgery will be tomorrow. I'll be admitted overnight and released Friday morning, barring any complications. I won't be online until I get back home *gasp*. I don't ask for things often, but it would be really cool if I had a collection of lucky rabbit's feet from the fu-gift shop. A lucky 7 bling would be fine too Thanks in advance < update > Just heard back from the hospital - I have to check in at 7am for an 8:30 surgery. So this time tomorrow, I'll have one less boob. < update 2 > zOMG, that just might have been the worst pain I've ever felt. She said it would feel like a bee sting... damn if any bee stung me that hard on my areola I would make it my life's mission to eradicate all bees. Three times! Looks like they're gonna have to take several lymph nodes tomorrow :/

Well... maybe it's a good thing I've had to wait this long for my mastectomy. I'm pretty much over my distress about it and just want to get it over with now. Of course, it helps that my boob's been hurting and feels like it's at least doubled in size (the tumor that is, not the whole boob). I'm still a little nervous that I'll have problems with the anesthesia again, but am counting the days: 11 to go. Oh, and go show some love to the spotlight; I donated to help with it and am "tickled pink" to see that ribbon up there

My sister apparently let news of my cancer slip to my father. I haven't spoken to him in 5 years. He's never met my son and always had an excuse why he couldn't visit or let us visit him. When she told him I had breast cancer and was having a mastectomy this month, she says he cried. He left 4 messages on my answering machine while I was on my cruise, and talked to my mom once when she was here cleaning my house (they divorced when I was 4). My sister is asking if she can tell him when and where I'll be so he can be there at the surgery. I don't know what to do. He wasn't there for most of my childhood, having decided seeing me wasn't worth the child support payments he had to make to keep joint support. He even went so far as to try to take my inheritance from a friend of the family that I received when I was 8, forcing my mother to put it in a low-yield trust that he couldn't touch. I'd written him off and out of my life since he chose not to meet my youngest child. *sigh*

I found a lump in the other breast this morning.

The surgical oncologist feels that it is safe to wait for my mastectomy until after my cruise on Feb. 1-6. So I'll be able to make it through the holidays, NYE concert, and cruise without worrying about pain or only having 1 boob or being lopsided or anything. And I shouldn't have many problems getting the surgeons I've already seen, so I should be able to avoid extra consultations. The only downside is now I don't get to wear a "cancer survivor" tshirt on the cruise :P And there's still a chance the cancer will grow and become invasive by then... but this "blessing" by the oncologist is taking a HUGE load off my mind. If anyone's curious about the cruise: Ships & Dip V

That much of my problem stems from loneliness. I have few ppl to share this with and they're all here. My closest RL friends have other things to worry about - I've always been the one to help THEM through their problems; maybe they just don't know how to listen, I dunno. My hubby is so consumed with stress from worrying about being the only breadwinner and keeping the kids under control that he has nothing left for me. I feel like I'm taking care of everyone and there's nobody left to take care of me. The last couple years of my life have been some of my happiest. I was finally feeling somewhat attractive for the first time since I started gaining weight. All of that is changing now that I'm losing my best physical feature. People say I should be happy that I get to live. But I can't work now and make my kids happier by getting them things, and I can't make my hubby happy with my appearance. And I can't keep him happy by keeping the house perfect because I'm soooo tired all the time. Those that TRULY know me and understand me know I'm all about what I can give others. I might be alive, but I'm losing the things that make me happiest. It stings every time I see someone asking to see boobs in their status or in a blog. I know I won't have any to show. I can't play with the rest of the crowd. I know you all know there's more to me than my boobs, but it seems like the only time I'm wanted around here is when I'm showing them. Especially when I'm all emo like I am now. People say I can come to them if I need to talk, but don't realize how against my nature it is to seek people out. I feel like I'm intruding and if you want my company you'll come to me. I don't really know where I was going with this. I just needed to get stuff off my chest. Sorry it's so long.

Well there's bad news and worse news. The bad news is, I have too much fat in my abdominal area, plus too many stretch marks to be a candidate for a natural tissue reconstruction. So I'm going to have to have an implant, which won't happen until after they place a tissue expander to make room for it. They won't be able to make an implant big enough, so I'll then have to have my other breast lifted and reduced to make them match. The worse news is, the soonest opening my plastic surgeon has is end of January. Which basically means after my cruise, so at least I'll probably make that.. but meanwhile I stress about whether the cancer is invading the rest of my body. Oh yeah, and this also means I don't get the free tummy tuck. Which my hubby had the balls to say he was bummed about. Well... I *was* happy, for a day...