PunkStarChik's blog: "Book Of Shadows"

I went to the casino earlier today. Spent a little over an hour there....didn't win big..boo. Broke even liike usual. I think I only played with 20 bucks and came out with 38 bucks. Oh such a big winner. At least I didn't lose all, right? Grabbed some seafood for lunch. Yum. Went to a German store. Been a while since I've been in there and grabbed some groceries. Prices have changed since I been there last, a lot more expensive. But their meat is sooooo good.

I don't know what I'll be doing the rest of the day...

Moving went pretty smooth. Not even a drop of rain. It rained the day before and after I moved, which was nice. I had a few people helping me. Kari unpacked for me. Myke was there for a few hours until he had to go back to work. Turtle was there for a couple hours but wanted to go home early. Randy came and helped which was nice. My dad even helped and brought his good son over to help bring in a couch and help mount my tv onto the wall. I had bought a 32 inch flat screen tv. Yay..so I have a nice tv in the living room...a old tv in my bed room that was given to me.

I have the net and cable set up today. It's been way too quiet without anything and I been real bored. I am waiting for the ex to move his stuff out. I asked him when he planned on getting his crap out..he said he wasn't sure...either monday or tuesday. I told him, to get his stuff out by Tuesday night or I will be tossing it. He has all this time to be packing and moving shit over. I need time to clean up the place before I go back to work next week. The lease is up on the 30th and I will only have a couple days to clean...vaccum, shampoo the carpets...etc etc etc. I won't have time next weekend because I will be going back to work.

I just have a few more things to pick up at the other place. I decided to just give my wedding dress to goodwill along with other things. Him and his gf have been over at the other place. I really don't want to be there cleaning and picking up the rest of my stuff while they're there. There is still a lot of steam going between us.

He is a real dumbass for getting his chick a job where he used to work and where Myke works at...knowing that Myke and all them are not fond of rich now and his chick. Myke is some type of manager at that store...and I guess Kari and Michael are going to try to give his gf hell there. RIch had gotten one of his other friends a job there...and he was a poor worker. Who knows how well his gf will be but she better be on her best guards cause the others just want to give her hell. I will not be a part of that. But he is still taking a risk for getting her a job there.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately. not Because I'm in a new place. It will take me hours to fall asleep. Last night, It took me 3-4 hours to fall asleep and I was hella tired. Yesterday, it took me over 2 hours just to take a nap and I was real tired. I was looking up on the net on my phone why my sleeping has been so off the last couple weeks....I tihnk I might have some type of chronic insomnia.

It will take me hours to fall asleep. I will toss and turn a lot. I will wake up a lot of time during the night and have a hard time falling a sleep. I am tired throughout the day. My eyes would feel so heavey but I can't sleep. I actually started to cry last night because I just wanted to sleep and I couldn't.

No other sleeping pills out there have helped me sleep but the ones I had gotten from the doctor before. And I can't see the doctor until my benefits kick in, which won't be until Jan. It really sucks. I can't drink warm milk that people would suggest because milk upsets me. I have some Earl Grey and some teas but that hasn't been helping.

My eating habits has still been off. I haven't been able to weigh myself cause I left the scale at the other place. I"ll be picking that up today. I just don't want to deal with the ex and his chick. He's already been texting me where things are...."where's my skateboard?"...."look in the closet"....fucking look harder.

"where's my comb?" ...how the fuck would I know..maybe you left it at your gf's house. "where's my red leather tote bag?" You mean my DAD"s tote bag?? I tossed that...he tinks it was his but it wasn't and kept going on how it was red, leather, had two zippers, velcro on it...t was under the sink upstairs...blah blah..well this bag was BROWN..had one zipper with no velcro....

I had taken a lot of DVD's that weren't mine because I had told him before...that I wanted to know which dvd's were mine and his before I moved...did he? No....so I took what I wanted......same with the computer stuff....he didn't get back to me...so I took whatever. He was late again on giving me the money he owes me...he said he left it in the house for me to pick up...so it better be there.

I think ill grab something to eat in a bit...grab the other shit...stufff I still need to bring over...stuff to goodwill...dresses...wedding dress, some furnature, oriental rugs.....I am so sore still...I am tired too...I only slept a couple hours last night.

Well i got the moving part done pretty much....just have to finish up and clean up..I know he's not going to help clean so I have my mom to help me clean as much as we can from the stains he left in the living room. I just don't want to owe a  lot for that place....when he messed up a lot of it.

After a while....the divorce papers..

It's real lonely...i feel completely alone.

I start moving in less than 12 hours. Just finishing a few things up then heading to sleep. It's suppose to rain also...bah! Maybe will get lucky and the rain clouds will go somewhere else..

Until then...I'll be back whenever!

Bye bye!

Tomorrow afternoon (Thursday) I will be moving out. I'm real excited. I've been waiting for this day to come for a long time. I've had most of my stuff packed for quite a while and I been packing up most of the other stuff. I will be doing my big move on Thursday and will be doing the rest of it over the weekend and getting myself settled in. I had takin days off of work to get this all done. I wanted to get this all done before Thanksgiving.

I bought myself a new tv. A 32 inch flat screen tv, with a built in DVD player in it. Didn't know that was possiable but hey, that was nice...I didn't have either of them so that works. Money well spent on that. Since I didn't have a tv, I went and got myself one...The TV's here are my ex's and his mom's and I can't use those. Plus I needed a tv to get Comcast set up in my home as soon as I could lol..Im also going to be using my brother's old tv so I can have one in the bedroom that my ex never wanted. I will never get why he never wanted a tv in the bedroom.

I got the key for my new place today (Tuesday)...nice place for one person and two cats. I can't wait to use my fireplace. We have a fireplace here but my ex blocked it with his entertainment center, so it was never used. It's just going to be So nice to use the fireplace again. Mittens always liked the fire place at our old place. She will be one happy kitty.

I got a couple guy friends to help me move. Two for sure that I know of. One I'm not too sure yet and I think Kari may help but she can't lift too much. My dad will be giving me one of their couches for my new place...godly ugly scary looking couch but it's a couch for now. I won't complain.

After I move and get settled in, that's another step done. Thankfully. Still got that car issue to work on and then filing for divorce. I've been waiting for so long to get out of this place and be on my own, away from him. Just one more night here....just one more night. Perhaps I will have a bit more better of sleep at night.

So, I don't know when Ill be getting my net back...so after Wenesday, I won't be on the net for until whenever.

Well ain't I just a dummy for breaking my memory card for my phone. I was trying to do something with my phone and I guess the memory card popped out,..so when I went to close my phone case, cause i was trying to switch batteries, I accidently closed it on the memory card, I think..or some how it got bent. It could still go in the phone but couldn't read. So me bein a dummy trying to carefully bend it back so I could save what I had on there but I bent it too hard and SNAP... well that sucks. I had certain pics in there, and vids that can't be replaced...Oh well I guess. That isn't the first time I lost pics though...It be a sign, I swear..or im just clumbsy

Work was blah..nothing exciting there. I didn't want to go home after work ,so I went out and did a few things. Came home...did some other stuff and yea...exciting.

Soooo tomorrow, I go talk to Irene...sign some papers, I take it...then maybe I can check out my new place. I need to get an idea of much smaller my new place will be and how to decorate. I guess I'll be moving to a different place than what was said before which is going to suck a bit more if I can't really find anyone to help me move. I know dad and his "adopted" son will help but need some other buff dude but that guy. He helped me move last time...he's like my age I think, I forget his name. Then dunno about my brother and his bf and my two coworkers.. Maybe Ill just invent some magical pill, feed it to my cats so they can help me move...they're gonna be stuck in the bathroom while the moving goes on. Poor babies.

I gotta get a new memory card....i think ill go to the book store to see if i can find some self help books. Just need something to help lift up my spirits I guess...I dunno just give me some ideas or inspiration I guess.

Then I hope that nothing fucks up with the credit union place...hopefully dad or the nerd won't cancel the meeting. I just can't wait to get all this shit done and I don't have to deal with him anymnore....well hopefully...Im sure other things will come up later on in the future..

There's something that' sbeen on my mind most of the day like usual...dunno if it's good or bad but just not the same how it used to be.I guess Ill find out

I went through some photo albums...picked out photos of memories that I didn't want and of him. The only pics I kept of him are ones with some friends and my cats when they were kittens. 139 photos. I only had 3 albums..I don't know where the wedding album is at....I found the honey moon album...I tosses some pics of him out from there but just taped up the album with tape and kept the rest. The photos...are being tossed in the garbage. His mom isn't here in town to dig into the garbage again to retrive any photos...Im sure he will see the pics or I will leave it in there for him to see...just wonder what he'd think..probably nothing which is fine.

And now i lay myself to sleep, wondering if I will actually sleep. Will I just lay there awake?

Just gonna do a few things before bed like usual....it takes me 1-2 hours to actually fall asleep. I hate it. And knowing that I have to be up at a certain time doesn't help cause I'm waking up almost every hour still. Wish I had something to say good night to, other than my cats.

I got a note on the door when I got home from work. Short note saying to go to Irene whenever I can. It's going to have to wait until Monday because I work all day the next two days. I'm hoping that it will be the paper work that I could do for the other apartment. I had seen that the people that were living in the one I'm suppose to move into are finally out. So, I'm looking foward until Monday. I thought she was going to call me, but maybe she lost my number. Just hoping it's good news.

Was talking with a coworker a bit today. He was asking how I was doing and if I needed help moving, him and Judha could probably help me out. I don't really want them to know where I live, especially Judah, but since we have the same work schedules, they might be some help if I can't get Michael and Matt to help. Dad and his little "adopted" son said they could help. I just need some man muscles to help carry the furniture. I'll probably end up moving the boxes on my own first.

Yesterday I met the ex at the cell phone store...He looked annoyed or tired but I didn't care. I didn't want to pay for his cell phone anymore. Now I'm on my own phone bill. I save 70 dollars. Later on, after more things get taken care of, I will be changing my number.

Monday after noon, going to the credit union place to see if Rich could finance his own car. Whatever it takes, I just want my dad off the cosigning. I don't want him to screw my dad over like he's screwed me over with many things. Then if that all goes well, sometime after that, I will be getting my own car. I will be opening up a loan with them and will be going car shopping.

After that....and after I get moved and settled...I will be nagging on Rich to sign the divorce papers and whenever he can help pay to file. I just want it done and over with. Tired of having to asking him to get things done and him just ignoring it. All important things that needs to get done. That's why I will keep nagging him and bothering him. He's ignored them way too long. I hope that some day he will realize that he can't keep ignoring certain things because it's going to kick him in the ass....again. Like him ignoring the taxes the last couple years and he freaked out when it was being taken out of his paycheck...not mine at least..ha... Same thing with a phone bill he had a long time ago that was over a grand....He's got a couple collections also. His last car that he hasn't paid off either. he is just so stupid with his money, careless. Wel I can't wait until he finally fucks himself over again...maybe he'll start using his brain.

Just a few steps down...slowly.

.....................................................................................................................

If all things goes well....then I hope it goes well....one thing that i almost took out of my life but didn't. I'll wait....still

I sit alone and wait for the day
For all this saddness to burn away
It seems to be a endless date
I continue to wait

At nights, I would lay there awake
Wondering how much longer it would take
When my life will finally be straight
But I will still wait

So much I want to give up my time
Being covered in this filthy grime
Is my near future a fake
I will do my best to wait

Positive words are said to me
Wondering if it's just a jar of potpourri
Hidden seasons of love and hate
How much longer can I wait

His sweet words do make me smile
Hoping it would last for a while
That it's not a dream of fate
I continue to wait


-Written by me

11/10/09

Why does it hurt so much? A lot of things I just will never understand.