PunkStarChik's blog: "Book Of Shadows"

Everytime before I eventually fall asleep, I would stare at this little light that I can see outside through my bedroom window. I'd stare at it for quite some time. Thinking. I cried myself to sleep again last night with both my cats on my side. It does make me feel good that they're there to comfort me.

I day dream and think a lot. Not always a good thing but sometimes I can't help it. I try to think of postitive things but they usually lead to negative things. I wish that my negatives would just turn to positives. I'm always real sad at work. Some people can notice it at work, some think I'm just tired.

I wish that I was someone completely different. I wish I was more special. I wish I didn't always have to be the one that has to make the move....sometimes I just wish they would come to me for once. I reach for things but they're out of reach...the other person needs to extend their reach.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I wonder where my life is going to be heading, I feel stuck in a rut. I try to still think positive. Things that used to be my happy thought and make me smile, only turns upside down. Sometimes I wonder if I hope too much and only will have shattered dreams. But if there's something so important to you, wouldn't you not give up?

I feel like a rag doll, tosses around, used and beaten. Only to be picked up, brushed off for a moment and then tossed away again. I'm feeling real lonely, sometimes forgotten and unloved. I know there's people that do care, but there's something that I want of more. Like right now, I have mittens purring away on my lap. She makes me smile. I know I'm loved by her. She always seems to tell whenever I'm down.

I still have a lot of stuff going through my head. I"m hurting, I'm frustrated. Sometimes I wonder if it's best to let several of the things that are burying me down....out from me.

I day dream of life being so completely different. Being someone different. I wonder a lot. I wish that I was someone special.... I want to feel loved and special...not just....yesterday's news.

And now I will get ready for work....another day of wondering thoughts at work. Day dreaming, wondering, thinking...Biting my lip down. Dreading the day to be over and to be with my cats, my happys.... Yeah that sounds like something a old lady with million of cats would do...but, they truely make me smile and wanted. I feel loved by them. They're always so happy to see me.

4:30am....coffee and banana

8:00am....Coffee and Fiber bar

11:30am... Salad with  beets, olives, eggs with ranch dressing, 1/4 wheat roll, Vitamin water. (no java after lunch...sob)

6:30pm...Coffee and 6 slices of turkey bacon

So I went out car shopping again. Looked at one car, test drove it and all. Nice car.07 Nissian. Bit too much though, around 11 grand but it had low mileage...real low. Was there for over an hour trying to figure out payment plans but I really don't think I can afford more than 150. THey kept trying to make deals and all but I still wanted to look around. Seeing how my credit wasn't that great started to get me worried. My credit isn't that horriable but it's not that great. I think the big thing was that house that we used to have, that got foreclosed, which will be haunting me for a long time.I'll go car shopping again next week.

If there was extra days at work, I'll take it. I need it. I've been careful which how I been spending my money as of late. I still make decent money at work, just that now that I'm on my own, I have all these bills and stuff I need to buy, it just worries me. I know I worry too much.

Dad is still worried about Rich's car. I am too. Both worried that Rich will stop doing payments on the car and it would be taken away. So I wouldn't have a car and dad's credit would go bad. Rich could care less if his credit gets even worse than it is now. He's driving a coworkers car so he doesn't have to pay for that. He kept pushing for me to take over his car thinking that I would still be able to have a car and then the whole co signing thing. But he still owes so much on that car and I know he just wants to throw his bill at me so He wouldn't have another bill to think about. He has it so easy right now...it's not that far...But I know in the long run, he will get what's coming to him. All those collections will get to him...and I am still hoping one day he will get pulled over by the cop for driving around with no license.

Dad doesn't get why I'm giving time to do the divorce papers. I know if I said something to Rich about getting together, he probably have a fit and think I keep nagging him. Some things I had to nag him about that had to get done. I do want to get this done and taken care of. Another thing off my back. The whole car deal is really bothering me. I need a car, but don't know how much I can afford with me recently moving out.

Why do I need a car? I don't want to be stuck home all the time. None of my friends drive..which really sucks. I don't want to walk b ack and forth to work in the dark...45 mins. Good work out but I don't feel safe walking in the dark alone. Yeah I have my pepper spray and all..but something could happen like stuff in the past.

Wish I could just win the lottery or at least win a car..ha..that be nice. I enjoy driving. I like to drive and listen to music. Comforts me in some ways. Hmm I dunno...maybe I should just get a bike again and bike around. Maybe I should just give back his car and ill figure out how to get to work and all. I just don't want him to screw my dad over.

I wish I could take a vacation..away from everything...away from everyone. Erase a lot of stuff in my head..all my worries, stress and frustration. No one to hear from, no one to hear from me. Maybe it's something to consider. Although it does feel nice if soemoen does think about me, wanting to talk to me..or whatever..makes me feel good and special. But it's not that important, right?

I started going back to the gym yesterday. It felt good to be able to work out again. I can't recall the last time I been at the gym. Maybe my weight loss will go faster with me working out lol since I haven't been working out at all with all the weight I lost. Yesterday, I was putting on some old clothes I had. Jeans that are way too big for me..more clothes for goodwill. I was finally able to wear the pair of pants that my mother in law got me many years ago. Yay!! I texted her and told her that I was finally able to wear them...they're not even tight. I think sometime soon I'll be going down another pant size. I would look at myself in these certain pant size and be just amazed. I never thought I'd be able to lose the weight that I have and I'm still going.

DId some christmas shopping. I think I might try to hit the mall again tomorrow or next week. I even decorated my place with some xmas stuff. Wish I was tall enough to put christmas lights out, but I can't even reach what i want to put up, even on a chair. Bah...

Bah, gotta go back to work tomorrow. Noooo!! So got the old apartment completely cleaned out. It looks real good. I asked the landlord how the deposit thing wil work and she said some will go to me and probably some to Rich. I really hope that he doesn't get anything out of it because he doesn't deserve one penny for leaving me all that crap to clean up and he didn't even help clean. That would be real unfair. My parents helped clean the place which I'm real thankful for because I didn't have much time to clean cause I had to go back to work last weekend, since Rich took forever to move his crap out. I treated them to dinner at some Italian place a couple nights ago.

Now my goal is to find myself a car. I did go car shopping the other night with my dad, just to get an idea. I'm not too picky with a car, just one that's manual, reliable and whatever..and most of all, something that I will be able to afford. It's going to be hard to tell what I can afford since I just moved out on my own and paying bills on my own. But I need to get my own car soon so that I can give back Rich's car. Dad is real worried about that...him being the co signer still.

Worried that Rich will stop paying for the car, even though he's always late on his bills. But he may think that since he's not driving it and we don't live together, why should he pay for it? He's still wanting to give me the car but I will not take it. I'm not going to take over his bill. He still owes over 8 grand on that car. He's had that car for about..hmmm 5 years now? Cause it's a 05 car and he bought it brand new. I'll go back to car shopping sometime next week on my days off. I just hope I can afford something..I know after a while I will be tigheter on bills.

My brother told me he was talking to Evan's gf online today, Evan is Rich's room mate now..and she's been bitching about how messy Rich is already. Not flushing the toilets, leaving his trash and shit all over the place. Yep...sounds like Rich. She says it's good to have Rich around to help on the bills there and that Rich has a car..I think that's the only reason. Sometime soon, she'll see how bad he can be. They won't allow him to bring his gf there all the time too. Awww poor baby.

I enjoy living on my own. It's real nice. I don't have to worry about a lot of things and it's so much cleaner. Walk around nude any time I want ha ha ha ha..My cats seems so much happier. Real nice...just can't wait to get my own car and get that divorce going. Letting things cool down a bit before I find time to get together with the jerk to sign the divorce papers and give him time to save up  money for the filing...It will be 115 each. I just want it over with....then I will change my last name back to my old last name.

Got a few hours of sleep last night and spent most of the day cleaning up the other place. Rose was in town, which was good. So for a couple hours, we loaded up the car with her stuff that Rich never picked up and dropped them off to her new place. Spent the last hours taking out tons of trash and cleaning the place. Vaccuming, cleaning out stuff, shampooing the carpets, cleaning the walls...etc etc. Was getting to worn out to finish so I'll go back there for a little bit of time after work Saturday then Sunday after work I should be able to finish it all up. Was there doing that for about 6 hours. My back is sore.

I have a bunch of other stuff to donate to goodwill. I'll drop some of that stuff to Goodwill after work. I hadnt grabbed anything to eat until 7pm. I got to work tomorrow...ugh...but I should be able to get some sleep tonight, hopefully, with how tired I am. Right now I'm just relaxing with some coffee.

Uuugh I just want to strangle my ex!!!! I texted him again today when he would be getting the rest of the stuff out of the old aparement cause when I went there early in the morning, 2am...it was still a mess. He told me to get off his back about getting in there to clean. I told him he had to get his shit out by tuesday night..did he? No.... Did he come back last night to finish? No....

He went on telling me how he only had two days to pack up when that's total bullshit because he knew beforehand that he had to be out of there. He was too fucking busy being with his gf and his friends....He goes to his friends house at least one or two times a day to hang out and do his nerd shit..when he could of started bringing stuff over there..but no..he's the fucking last minute man.

Now I'm getting real pissed and worried because he's taking forever to get that stuff out and that's leaving me less time to clean. why is he being such a fucking lazy asshole? I so fucking hate him...

Felica called me today.... an old friend I guess. Felica is married to Emory....Emory is related to Rachel...who is going out with Rich. Felica tells me that her and Emory are still not happy that Richard is with Rachel. He took Rachel's virginity. Felica didn't think that they would last this long because she's so young and all into guys. I haven't talked to Felica in a long while...good to hear from her.

He just pisses me off.....I just want to go over to that place..get rid of that shit myself since he taking forever..maybe beat the living shit out of him for being such a fucking asshole.

So I had given my ex until Tuesday night to get his shit and his mom's stuff out of the old apartment. Did he? No... I went back there later on in the day to see what he moved out. It didn't look like he did much at all...It's even more of a mess. It looks like he just took all his electronics and furnature out and that's it. He told me that he'd probably come back later in the night to pick up the rest or by early afternoon tomorrow.

I told him I needed that stuff out as soon as possiable cause I need to clean that place. I can't believe how much he has left. I can't even clean one room. I had my old bedroom all cleaned up and he threw shit in there. Ugh..grrr I just want to strangle that man. If he doesn't get all that stuff out after tomorrow..that only leaves me Friday to clean, since Thursday is thanksgiving and I'm helping my dad cook since mom will be working most of the day, then I'm going over to Kari's to help her.

I won't have time to clean Saturday and Sunday cause I'll be working and I am way too tired to want to clean after work..12 hours of working..yeah I'm not gonna be in the mood to clean after work. What the hell is wrong with that man? He kept telling me to calm down cause I keep telling him I need to get into that place to clean. I was calm texting him..but really...what the hell is going on in his head.

Monday is when the lease is over...I can't do all that cleaning and getting rid of his shit if he left stuff there on my own. I'll be going back there tomorrow and he better....he better get that shit out...Maybe I'll just pack up the stuff that he leaves, if he does and dump it in the front yard of his new place.

He tried getting me to take his couch. First he told me that he was going to take it...cause well, it's his bed and he paid for it...one of those rent a center things...he paid over a grand for that couch. Spendy..yeah. Nice couch, but not after he put a dent in the couch for sleeping on there and something with the backing of the couch.

I told him that I already got myself a couch and he says "well I don't know what to do with it" I told him well figure it out or Good Will it. It's not my problem. He says "That just seems like such a waste" I guess he found someone to take the couch. Which is good cause I would be even more pissed if he left it there for me to deal with.

It just...wow I just can't believe that he didn't do much. I may have to ask for a extention to clean the place...my landlord is pretty nice but I'll have to see how things go. My manager wanted me to work on Friday but I had to pass on that because of the whole apartment thing and I can't afford to take more PTO off this weekend from work.

He just pisses me off. He is so fucking lazy and careless...selfish bastard. I still hope that one day he will get pulled over by the cops with not having a valid drivers license. I hope that he screws himself over badly. One day it will all come to him. He's the type that would ignore anything that's important, unless it's about his dick or his nerd crap. Big bill to pay? He ignores it. Owing on taxes? He's ignored it the last two..three years? That fucking pissed me off that he ignored the taxes this year when we owed. I told him that we had to get it taken care of....no he ignored it..and what happened? Money got taken out of his paycheck....serves you right. Same with two other huge bills that he ignored....got taken from his paycheck. I'm sure I will owe on my next taxes and if I do...I will pay for it.

Yea yea..I bitch about him a lot...just need to rant away. Mean for me to say, I just want his life to be miserable. He's hurt me too much...I'd like him to have hurt in him. One day...it'll get to him and maybe he'll learn from his stupid mistakes....we all do..I just hope it gets to him hard.

I'm wondering when my new life will actually begin or has it begun already? I feel so proud of myself when I get one thing accomplished that i've been wanting to be done but I am wondering why I am still down. I'm happy that I've lost the pounds that I've lost, amd still wanting to lose more cause I still feel that I'm a whale.

I'm happy that I"m finally away from that asshole and living on my own, but yet..I'm lonely. Real lonely. I talk to my cats a lot...I feel like I'm gonna be some insane person...heh...I'll talk to people online...every now and then I'll hang out with some friends, but...I still feel so lonely and hurt inside. I am wondering how long this feeling will last.

I'm trying to erase things from my life that wouldn't bring painful memories. Whether it be the times with my ex or other things. Sometimes I'll think of things or things would come into my mind and I have to yell at myself to get that thought out of me. Afraid of being hurt, bad memories or whatever.

After I get the other home cleaned up...that's one thing that will be off from my mind...I have some things that I want to do to help me focus on other things. Goling back to the gym, drawing again even if it's doodling, I want to pick up painting....I have the supplies..just never started. I've even day dreamed of just being in a white room, painting my feelings away.

People tell me I should take a vacation...maybe I should but I feel so lonely and money is such a bitch right now...course there's camping but it's too cold for that...I dunno. I don't even know what I want anymore. I want things in my life...some things I push away. The things I want in life seem so much far of a reach and unreal.