PunkStarChik's blog: "Book Of Shadows"

Tears running down
Always to weep and frown
Crying to sleep each night
Not strong enough to be a knight
Wishing for the pain to disappear
And never again to reappear

If only when I took the sip of death
Would of took away my last breath
But something held me back
To get back onto my track
I tried and tried
To die of suicide
But they want me to stay
To live for another day
I can't take much more of this pain
I don't have any more strength to gain

Farewell my good friend
It's time for my life to end
I know that this is wrong
It's just that my faith isn't strong
You have always been grateful, you see
That's why you'll always be a part in me

Farewell my loving family
As my spirit slowly drifts me away
I know that I should talk this out
But I feel that there's nothing to talk about
Dear mom and dad I love you so
That's what I want you to always know
You'll always be in my heart
Now it's time for me to depart

As darkness now spreads around
I can no longer feel my feet on the ground
Feeling as light as a feather
Being in that cold, dark, lonesome weather
As my life starts to flow away
I begin to feel the pain starting to decay

I see my family with their cheeks so wet
All dressed in black and shook hands as others met
I see my friends holding on to each other
Shedding their tears to one another
Everything is so sharp and clear
Do they see my standing so near

Looking over to my left, I see a white coffin
Everyone gathers around for the funeral to begin
A priest stands up in front of them all
He begins to start the funeral
Seeing myself in that big white coffin
Knowing that I had died of depression
I know that my wish had come true
So why do I still feel so blue

Everything now is becoming a blur
I'm becoming to be a lot sadder
Darkness soon spreads around once more
As if I had been locked up inside of a door
Here I am again in the darkness of no where
All left alone for no one would care

Or that's what I had thought
Until they showed me their pain that they brought
I feel that I had made a great error
I am all alone again, but this time it's forever

-written by me

I remember back upon that day
That was suppose to take my life away
Burying my face into my hands
For no one would understand
Of how this pain inside of me
Was killing my soul so painfully

I stood up and wiped my watering eye
Hoping that this would help me die
Sprinkling some poison, I took a sip
It made me gag and it numbed my lip
I tossed the cup away
And thought of another way
I continued to cry
For I just wanted to die

I took a knife and brought it to my wrist
Stabbing the silver with a painful twist
Soon, a fountain of red started to appear
My soul was finally starting to disappear
Feeling so weak, I fell to the floor
My eyes began to feel heavy and I felt so sore
I fell asleep with a smile upon my face
My heart was beating with such a fast pace

I kept on passing out and waking up
Due to only that one sip of death's cup
My body couldn't stop shaking
Everything in me was aching
I started to cry
For that I did not die

They put me in a wheelchair
And I watched people laugh and stare
To the hospital and onto a bed
A nurse looked at me and said
"It hurts me so to see you this way.
Trying to commit suicide to take you life away."
I saw that she was about to cry
So I looked away for I just wanted to die

Hooked to a machine, they pumped me and out came liquid so black
I cried because I was too weak to fight back
The doctors tried to get me to talk
But I had nothing to talk about
I kept my mouth shut and continued to cry
For I just wanted to die

-written by me

Thoughts are filling my head inside
Knowing my soul had died
Thoughts of saddness and pain
No more strength to gain

A walking and breathing suicide
Unknown to others of what I hide
Tears leaking from my eyes
Of images that I truely despise

Looking at myself in the mirror
What I have become is a true error
How can people put up with me
Why can't they see what I see

Tired of feeling this way
I say that I am okay
Filling of blue of hate
This is how I rate

I had taken the day off today to get the divorce papers but I was feeling real depressed to where I just layed in bed for over a day. Not even coffee in my system. I just laid there. I wrote in my diary a few times to vent out some feelings that I wouldn't say online for people to read. I weighed myself at some point today and I had lost 4 lbs in just a couple days. I remember talking witha co worker a couple days ago, she said I look like I lost weight, I told her my weight and she said I still need to lose more.

I'm not taking that as a insult. She's also trying to lose weight and I'm still not a healthy weight at being 5 foot. I know that I am not considered obese anymore though...which is good I guess..although when I see myself in the mirror...I see see the fat image in mymind. I still consider myself fat and ugly...but I'm working on it.

Rich finally gave me rent money but he is short. 4 days late on rent and I had to pay for most of it. He told me he got overdrated on Friday which makes no sense cause we got paid on Friday and he makes a little more money than me. I texted him today saying he was short and he said he only has 100 bucks to himself..to feed himself for 2 weeks. Yeah right. He says he will give me the rest on the 20th..he'll leave it in the car. Okay..well he better. I just want what he owes me.

Still no words on moving out yet...still waiting....it scares me a little knowing that I will be even more completely alone..but I will have to live. I wish that I could find some things toget my mind off of negative things. My eyes are real sore from crying a lot. I thought of some things that I could do though..keep my mind busy. Just wish I had someone to be with to keep me company..people to talk to that would want to talk to me. It really hurts when someone tells you that they think we talk too much when they're that one special person in your life right now.

Argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...i feel like screaming but i can't.

agakdgjaeg

dasg

adsga

ga

gaegwe

rger

gerger

gwerg

ehger

her

gaerg

arg

What a crappy day...didn't get much sleep...people just seem to get me all upset and pissed off.

I turned in rent the other day. Last month of paying rent for this place. I should be moving into the other place soon. The lady will be moved out by Saturday, then a simple clean to the place because I guess she keeps it pretty well clean then I can move in. Then step one will be complete after I get all moved in.

I'll be at work the next four days. Sometime on my next days off, I will be going to the court house to get the divorce papers. I was thinking about doing it this week but my mind was all down in the gutter. But next week for sure. Mr...Oh I just have to print out the divorce papers and then yeah...yeah right..it's been weeks..months...is it that hard to print it? Too fuckin' busy being with your damn chick who is barely legal.

Today I packed up more of the kitchen. It's almost empty. Once again, he didn't clean up his shit like he said he would and everything was rottening in the sink. So, me being annoyed with it, I cleaned it all up....cleaned up the kitcen real well too. One more time....If he messes up the kitchen after I spent a long time scrubbing the place, I'm going to rip his head off.

Mother in law has been here since Sunday or Monday, I forget. She's slowly getting her stuff out..I think. I had thrown a bunch of photos into the garbage that I spent good money on last year of me and Rich..you know..those potriat photos...I spent over around 150 bucks for all those pics. I had kept the ones of myself though, but tossed most of them in the garbage. His mom saw them in the garbage...looked at me and said "I'm going to steal these photos" I told her..that I didn't want the photos and I'm sure he doesn't so go for it. Why the hell would she want them? I know she is still upset that things are ending the way the are..but it's the way it is. I want so much to have him out of my life. I should of gone through the wedding, honeymoon and other pics we had and tossed them into the trash instead of just boxing them.

I donated a bunch of stuff to goodwill again. My wedding shoes...not sure what to do with the wedding dress.. I tossed the wedding candle that Rich had made..that unity candle or whatever. I'm going to pawn my wedding ring...it won't be much but I don't want it anymore. It's just a plain silver band...I don't care if I even just get a few bucks from it. I'm sure i'll get enough for a cup of coffee and that will be fine.

I went out to dinner with my mom today. We went to McGraths...a seafood joint. Dad was out with some guy like usual...hmm that sounds bad...no...he does a lot of church stuff and there's this guy, that it seems like he adopted as a son..looks almost like my brother, but they spend time a lot together. I think my dad feels like he's his son or something..since my brother and him aren't close. I wish that my brother would get close with mom and dad before it's too late...anything could happen. I was never close with my dad before, but our relationship has grown, which makes me happy.

Wondering if things in the near future will be worth it all. I wonder a lot....I worry a lot... what if everything goes wrong and my dreams are shattered...

Laying awake at night, my tears run down
Can't smile, sadden with this frown
I think too much
I crave for the touch
My head hurts, my heart aches
Wondering how long it would take
I long for my new life
Or end it with this knife
It's so tempting to end it all
Tear drops of blood and watch it fall
With just one simple twist
With a silver upon my wrist
Or a painful stab into my heart
Draining the pain apart
I try to stay strong
But the devils inside sing me this song
I can't eat....I can't sleep
All I seem to do is just weep
I starve myself a lot
From this saddness that was brought
Only a few things makes my lips curl
Hidden thoughts within this girl
Who am I? What's my purpose?
What makes my life still exist?

-writen by me

What's it like?
To be able to wake
With the sun, as it begins to rise
With no sadness, pain and tear drops in my eyes
Sitting up from my bed,
From my shell that covers itself in darkness
Not wanting to move, to breath or to smile
But to feel just hopeless
I push myself and I rise out of my shell
And out into the cruel life
That seems to burn like hell

What's it like?
To be able to smile
As I see myself in the reflection
Of a mirror that smiles back to me
That forms without any satisfaction
How could I smile back at that dreadful creature
It disgusts me and tears me apart
For this creature that's so devastating
That bears a sad dark lonely heart

What's it like?
To feel beautiful for just one day
Like a rose that grows so beautiful
Instead of a dying rose of decay
As my pedals fall off, one by one
Tearing me apart until I am none
I shed my tear till my eyes go dry
I ask myself and wonder "What's it like?"
For I will never know why

- writen by me