I am not a religious person. Not so much as I once was.
I use to pray everyday... multiple times.
I have always had a hard time praying for 'things'...but I always am thankful for the good things that happen in my life...And I pray because I am thankful for them.
It has been a very long...road since I decided that I needed to start living for myself.
It started with a whisper to my bestfriend. A slight hesitation of words, and then a spillage of them.
It felt so good to tell another person my thoughts and feelings.
I know without a doubt that If I had never spoken of my marriage with Dawn, I would still be married to my Ex. I know it.
She gave me courage and love...unending and without judgement.
I have stepped out on my own two feet...a feat...I have never attempted before.
I have encountered various barriers. Various heartbreaks...each one significant.
I have also experienced multiple blessings.
I ended my 13 years as a stay at home mother by enrolling in my local collage.
I was nervous and scared, hardly excited. It was what needed to be done. A stone for my path...and so I did it.
Enrolled one day started the very next.
I didn't even have supplies, or the proper books. I wasn't even on the class list. I sat and waited to be added.
It was a crazy time in my life.
Dawn was there. Always. She is my constant.
Marc was there as well. Every evening, when I would get home from school he would smile at me and ask about my day.
At the end of our conversation he would lift me up and tell me how I shine, push me forward..always with love and smiles.
As I started my first job, at the end of the day My mind would race, my feet would ache...my mind would doubt...but he always kissed them away and smiled into my eyes. How Nutters was I not to see how I shone?
His support and love and utmost belief got me through my first semester of school.
My first day of my very firt job.
He was and is a continued blessing to me. No matter what came before...or after *smile* He guided me through a very difficult time.
My sister was laughter encarnate.
She was strength and love. She walked me to my very first day of school. She hugged me tight and whispered of how proud she was.
She then looked both left then right and snuck into my class to sit beside me, simply so I wouldnt be alone.
She left only when she had too, and at the end of my class she was standing outside of my door.
Throughout my next semesters she always had coffee waiting. She fed my children and made me laugh...ever single night.
She is my blessing.
My pride is a most inconvenient thing, especially when I have had to depend on others as much as I have had too.
I am trying to do it all alone. I try.
I bust my ass. I am not on assistance. I pay my bills as I can.
It is hard.
And everytime I am rolling along, with a smile on my face...something buckles my knees.
Something..something...there is always something it seems.
Life as I once knew it seems almost dream like. Staying at home all day, free to write as I chose, free to spend money how I chose too...free to voulanter at my childrens schools, whenever I wished.
I shake my head now at the thought. Why didn't I go to school?
What was I doing?
It is all a different person and a different life it seems.
The one thing that keeps me strong...that keeps me going, are my blessings.
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