Lo's blog: "Time-less"

"How have you been?" I stand before her, my back to her couch. It is decadance really. Everything flowery and soft as down. I raise my arms and balance on my tip toes. A smile curls my lips. She sits quietly in her chair. Her leg folded properly over her knee. Her foot never taps as mine does. I scowl at her light green loafers. She smiles at me softly, knowing whats to come. The scowl turns into a smile as I feel myself falling backwards...my hair flies as I fall. My giggle turns into a low moan as her couch ebraces me. Squishy. I sigh. Kick up my feet. And clear my throat. "Fair to middlin" She laughs softly and nods her head at me. "Alright." she pauses "Care to expand upon that?" I smile at her "Nope." She sits back, clearly flustered. "I come here for your couch really. No offense. I have 5 bucks care to sell it to me?" "No. I certainly do not." I think she frowned at me. I squinted my eyes at her to be sure, but she quickly pasted on a smile. I can hear the tick tock of her clock. My eyes slide shut.My fingers rest on my belly. "Love!" She exclaims My eyes snap open and I frown at her. I am so insulted. "What of it." "Let's talk about it. You are in love yes?" She scoots forward on her chair. She just loves sinking her claws into my heart. "I am in love? With whom...pray tell." I wave my hand at her and punctuate my words with a scowl. "Last we met...." She stares at me. I stare back. "When you fall in love, everything is happy...balloons and butterflies that swirl about your belly..." My fingertips move over my stomach as I ramble on. "Then real life happens." I close my eyes to block out her frown. "Real life." She states.....dryly. "MMhmm." I nod and sink my body further into the folds of her couch. "How long have you been married?" I murmmer, my eyes still closed. "22 years." There is a smile and a sigh in her voice. I smile back and ask softly "Do you love him with everything inside of you?" Her hands raise over her heart and I swear her eyes glazed over a bit. "With everything." I lay there quietly, the clock ticking in time with my heart. Slow and steady. I can feel her staring at me. Her eyes fall heavily upon me until I speak. "What happens then..when he does not love you back with everything inside of him?" Her eyes meet mine. "That. Is real life." I close my eyes again.

A song plays in my mind this evening. I hum beneath my breath. Standing there, beneath the stars, the moon shining over me. I lift my face to it and laugh. And once again..my lips vibrate on the song. My arms raise and my hips move, softly at first. My smile turns into laughter. The grass is cool beneath my feet, I stand on my tippie toes and move my body. It is as if I am making love to the wind... Becoming lovers with the cool breeze. It tickles my skin like the soft lips of a man. My hands raise and I unpin my hair. Once my hair was bone straight, but now it twists and curls about itself. I can feel it move against my hips as I move them to the music. My fingers thread through..My hands bury themselves inside the warmth of my curls. I lift it and bare my neck to the breeze. My feet tap against the ground. My back arches and I turn my body in circles. "Hey Lady" I turn and Maria watches me. I laugh and move about her. My hips moving, my arms raising. "Dance Maria." I laugh and move my body. She laughs and stares at me, a smile across her face. I move away from her, and back beneath the young ash tree that I planted 6 years ago. Its leaves blow and sway in the evening...much like my hips. My eyes close and my teeth bite at my lips. I open them again and Maria is gone. I smile and humm again...the song never leaves my mind, it is one I have never heard before this night.

I am not a religious person. Not so much as I once was. I use to pray everyday... multiple times. I have always had a hard time praying for 'things'...but I always am thankful for the good things that happen in my life...And I pray because I am thankful for them. It has been a very long...road since I decided that I needed to start living for myself. It started with a whisper to my bestfriend. A slight hesitation of words, and then a spillage of them. It felt so good to tell another person my thoughts and feelings. I know without a doubt that If I had never spoken of my marriage with Dawn, I would still be married to my Ex. I know it. She gave me courage and love...unending and without judgement. I have stepped out on my own two feet...a feat...I have never attempted before. I have encountered various barriers. Various heartbreaks...each one significant. I have also experienced multiple blessings. I ended my 13 years as a stay at home mother by enrolling in my local collage. I was nervous and scared, hardly excited. It was what needed to be done. A stone for my path...and so I did it. Enrolled one day started the very next. I didn't even have supplies, or the proper books. I wasn't even on the class list. I sat and waited to be added. It was a crazy time in my life. Dawn was there. Always. She is my constant. Marc was there as well. Every evening, when I would get home from school he would smile at me and ask about my day. At the end of our conversation he would lift me up and tell me how I shine, push me forward..always with love and smiles. As I started my first job, at the end of the day My mind would race, my feet would ache...my mind would doubt...but he always kissed them away and smiled into my eyes. How Nutters was I not to see how I shone? His support and love and utmost belief got me through my first semester of school. My first day of my very firt job. He was and is a continued blessing to me. No matter what came before...or after *smile* He guided me through a very difficult time. My sister was laughter encarnate. She was strength and love. She walked me to my very first day of school. She hugged me tight and whispered of how proud she was. She then looked both left then right and snuck into my class to sit beside me, simply so I wouldnt be alone. She left only when she had too, and at the end of my class she was standing outside of my door. Throughout my next semesters she always had coffee waiting. She fed my children and made me laugh...ever single night. She is my blessing. My pride is a most inconvenient thing, especially when I have had to depend on others as much as I have had too. I am trying to do it all alone. I try. I bust my ass. I am not on assistance. I pay my bills as I can. It is hard. And everytime I am rolling along, with a smile on my face...something buckles my knees. Something..something...there is always something it seems. Life as I once knew it seems almost dream like. Staying at home all day, free to write as I chose, free to spend money how I chose too...free to voulanter at my childrens schools, whenever I wished. I shake my head now at the thought. Why didn't I go to school? What was I doing? It is all a different person and a different life it seems. The one thing that keeps me strong...that keeps me going, are my blessings.