Gothic Slave's blog: "BDSM"

Above all else He cherishes His slave, in the knowledge that the gift she gives Him is the greatest gift of all. He is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to Him, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift. He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that He may control others. As a stern and demanding Master, He can cause His slave to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, He will then kiss the tears away, without stepping out of character. In times of trouble, a Master will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals. He is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. He would never ask His slave to put Him before her career, or family, just to satisfy His own pleasure. To win His slave's mind, body, spirit, soul, and love, He knows He must first win her trust. He will show His slave humor, kindness, and warmth. He must always show her that His guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust His direction. He is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, He will fight for His lady's honor. He proves to her that He is someone she can lean on, and depend on. When it comes time to teach His slave her lessons of obedience, He is a strong and unyielding professor. He will accept no flaw, nothing less than perfection from His student. Never does He use discipline without a good reason. When He does it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand. He is always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. He is patient, taking time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of Him grows, so will they. He never has to demand ritual behavior by her. She responds to Him out of the want of pleasing Him. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. He understands the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to Him. He is secure enough to laugh at Himself and the absurdities of life. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. His tools are mind, body, spirit, soul, and love. He understands that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other. And both of them know that love and trust are the only bindings that truly hold. ~Author Unknown

1. The outright non-submissive masochist or Kinky Sensualist Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's own bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism). 2. Pseudo-submissive non-slave Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestitism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree. 3. Pseudo-submissive play slave Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers). 4. True submissive non-slave Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct/pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant). 5. True submissive play slave Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant-but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May/may not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions. 6. Uncommitted short-term but more than play semi-slave Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve. 7. Part-Time consensual - but real slave Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominant's property at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time. 8. Full-Time live-in consensual slave Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially of the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage. 9. Consensual Total Slave with NO Limits A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.

Dominant vs. Domineering The two terms, Dominant and domineering, are often misused and mistakenly considered interchangeable. In the first instance, a Dominant is part of a lifestyle. One in which there are certain expectations and responsibilities (unique to each relationship). An important part of that lifestyle is the recognition that it needs to be mutually gratifying. That is to say that the happiness and well being of a submissive is equally as important as the Dominant's. One thing that distinguishes a domineering person from a Dominant is a lack of this recognition. People that are domineering are selfish, and serve their own interests. It's sad to think that being overbearing, loud and demanding might be confused with being Dominant, but the fact is that it often is. Guess that doesn't say much about us Dominants and the image we project. Another way that domineering people differ from Dominants includes an inability to "earn" things such as trust and respect. They demand it. A Dominant understands that trust and respect cannot be commanded, but can only be bestowed upon one that has demonstrated a worthiness of it. Similarly, Dominants value the submission that is offered them by a submissive. They know its worth, and the great strength it takes to submit. In contrast, domineering people "take" submission (though, anything "taken" non-consensually is likely to be abuse). They make every effort to force it, steal it. Submission holds no value to those that are domineering, it is simply a matter of taking by force what they desire. It's always important to recognize that Dominants are humans. They're complete and well rounded individuals, as outlined in my article "What Is A Dominant". And as humans they make mistakes. That's unavoidable. Dominants have the self-confidence to face their mistakes. To own up to them, admit them, apologize for them and make things right. Those that are merely domineering often do not admit mistakes. They portray a facade of perfection that in and of it's self is not credible. They do not make amends for mistakes, nor apologize for them in some mistaken belief that "Dominance" is "never having to say you're sorry". Don't fall into the trap of confusing domineering with Dominant. As a Dominant, be aware of the difference and always avoid taking, stealing, demanding, or forcing what should and must be given freely. Your submissive will give as capable, and while you do wish to help stretch limits (and limitations) and promote personal and lifestyle growth, encouragement and compassion are more powerful and effective methods. As a submissive, watch for the characteristics that might indicate that a "Dominant" is really domineering. Remember that anyone may apply a label to them self. Whether it fits or not is another matter. As a submissive, you are under no obligation to submit to anyone not of your choosing. Don't feel pressured or bullied. Ask for help if you feel intimidated. You have a marvelous and invaluable gift. Give it to someone that's deserving of it.

Levels of Dominance Author Unknown In the D/s lifestyle you will find there are as many definitions for "Dominant" and "Master" as there are people to talk with. When a Dominant says "I want to be your Master", the words may have a different meaning to the one hearing them than to the one who uttered them. At one end there is the person who only means I want to tie you up, whip you, have scenes and sex with you, when they say they want to be your Master. At the other end of the spectrum there are people who mean they want to become your full-time Master, your protector, your teacher. They only feel fulfilled when they can own your heart and soul. Between the two definitions you will find many gray shaded areas completing the meaning of Dominant / Master. Again you need to examine yourself and give the words true meaning. Once you are sure what the Dominant expects and offers to you, you will be ready to give the gift. When you speak of becoming a Master to someone communicate what that means. If you are the submissive and hear that someone wants to become your Master you owe it to your relationship to know what they mean. Once the words have meaning they will be a basis for the Dominant and the submissive to grow together. As you read the definitions below see which is either most like you, if you are the Dominant, or most like what you are looking for in a Master if you are submissive. If your relationship is to grow you must first compliment each other and fit together at the most basic level of D/s. You will probably find that you fit somewhere between the following classifications. It is up to you to communicate what the differences are. Remember that the inexperienced Dominant is likely to fantasize their ability to be a Master to a greater degree than they can actually be in real life. If you are not the perfect match you should discuss if you would like to both grow to the level of Dominance / submission that will make the fit. As you read these definitions remember there are no right and no wrong answers. They are offered so you may examine what you want in a D/s relationship. The non-Dominant "kinky" lover: This person is not into power exchange and being in control. They only enjoy the heightened sexuality the D/s scene brings to them. They feel "safe" in the scene if both the parties involved are having fun. The normally won't try new things without first being told by the submissive specific things they would enjoy. Their pleasure is from the sexual activity and not from spanking the submissive or being in control. The role playing Dominant but not a Master: This person is normally found on-line. They will be Dominant and appear to be in control. They may be into humiliation and enjoy playing roles. They will have the submissive serve them, kneel, and act as they want the submissive to act. They like to "train" new submissives because they feel safe when their charge has little knowledge about D/s. The Dominant will normally not "force" the submissive to do things or request things that will push the submissives limits. The only time they push is to have cybersex. This type Dominant will brag about the slaves they have had and the slaves they have trained. The role playing Dominant / Master: This person like to play "Master" and likes to feel in control. They will want to have the submissive wear their collar before they have established a relationship. Again, on their own terms, they will have the submissive serve them and their needs. They don't concentrate on the relationship or the submissive's growth. They seldom give the submissive learning exercises, and if they do, they normally give very little feedback to the submissive when the assignment is turned in. They will be in control most of the time but not use the control for growth. The true Dominant non-Master: This type person controls the submissive, but it is usually temporary and within agreed limits. The big difference between this person and the ones mentioned above is they know their power comes from the submissive. This type person is usually turned on by being served, both sexually and outside of scenes. They do not gain satisfaction from forcing the submissive to submit to their way. They usually dictate the scene based on the agreed limits. Even though they seek their pleasure from being in control, the submissive will find it easy to top from the bottom. The true Dominant play Master: This type person also takes control but it is usually temporary and within agreed limits. They gain satisfaction from being served and serviced. Normally they control the scenes and are into bondage and light pain. They usually use a spanking device to the point of pain, but do not go far enough to build up endorphins in the submissive. If there is pain in the scene they indirectly may derive pleasure from being in control and causing the pain, not because of the feelings the submissive may have. This person controls the submissive, but not the scene. The scene will usually end at the same level of intensity at which it started. The Dominant but uncommitted short term Master: This person dominates the relationship but may have agreed upon limits. They want to be served by the submissive. They enjoy this in both erotic and non-erotic services by having the submissive take care of their wants and needs within their agreed terms. This person will only play the dominant role when they are in the mood. Many times they will play the role for days at a time, (the weekend only Master), but they retain their freedom to quit at any time. This time is usually agreed to ahead of time or falls within the limit due to time constraints they can be together. You will find this type person in short term and in long term relationships with their "submissive/slave". They normally have a good reason why they can't enter a full time relationship and they control when they will be Dominant. This type person will usually give the submissive/slave assignments, but rarely questions them if they are not completed and does not give feedback once the assignment is complete. The part-time real Master: They will have an on-going relationship as Master/slave and they think of the slave as their property at all times. They want the slave to grow and distinguish between the slaves wants and needs. The Master will usually rule the submissive's life to the point that they will give them assignments, tell them what to wear, and how to act. They devote most of their time to other commitments, (job, friends, etc.), but the slave has first pick of the Master's free time. This type person will use scenes to help the slave to grow. They know how to control the pain experience so it never advances faster than the endorphins are released into the slave. They constantly watch the bodily changes of the slave during scenes and will push the slave towards subspace. The Master will control the time after scenes to take care of the slave's needs. The full-time live in Master: This person regards themselves as the one who is in control of the relationship and thinks of the slave's well being. Limits in the relationship are considered opportunities for growth and their slave has "duties" to perform within the relationship. They regard the slave as a prized possession and spend their time "polishing" the slave through training. Their day to day role is very similar to the "vanilla" husband, (regardless of their gender), except that their role is keeper of the relationship and well being of the slave. Due to the total power exchange where they accept power over the slave's life, (physical, emotional, and mental), this type arrangement is usually entered into much more carefully than traditional marriage. Normally contracts are signed specifying what the slave's role will be and what time period it will cover. This contract is normally based on rules of D/s, their agreed upon terms, and it will establish areas for growth. The contract may only be broken by the Dominant and may be renewed when the agreed upon time limit expires.