Mistress Angel's blog: "Basket Momma"

I was just thinking the other day while I was on my route how my life had been dealt. When I was younger I had a special friend whom I really thought I would get to grow up with and share special times in our lives throughout school. Well I got some special times but she had to move away and go through a lot of stuff without me. Well many years later that special friend returned to my life and shared a lot of special moments with me and even changed my life for the better. I got a divorce from someone who was abusing me and she helped me see the dangers and stuff that I was too close to, to see... My life now will continue to change and I will be able to find myself again though I have changed and so did she I still see my best friend and soul mate for who she was back then and who she is today. For if it wasnt for her and her family I would probably be dead right now. So I thank her and praise her for the things she has done for me and my children. All I had to say was that I had enough and she stepped in to help me and told me what to do. Life is still a challenge for me. Some days I don't know what to do. I don't have someone hounding on me and telling me what to do and how to do it or if I have done it wrong or calling me names and saying that I am stupid or a bitch or getting beaten and cheated on. I couldn't do anything right. I feel special now because my special friend came back to me after about 16 years or more. For her and her family I want to say Thank-you. For all that you have done for me. Thanx for keeping me on the right track and for many tracks to come... Thanx.....I Love U All for your help and support..... Tess

Being a Mom is never easy. Were always checking and making sure things are safe for our children. Keeping up with the housework, being a bus driver when our children need to go to practice or a christmas program or to a friends house. Keeping the other half happy (That in it self can be the biggest job).... Being a friend is never easy, till u get to know them so well that u can feel what they are doing over 1,000 miles away. I have a soulmate friend whom we share these feelings. Like I said nothing is ever easy. She feels my feelings whether I am sad or happy she feels these things. I love my friend to death she is so part of me but I feel her pain and anger sometimes and it really makes it hard for me and her because thats where mixed emotions come in and we are tangled together. My Job is never easy either. I am a bus driver and its for little children under the age of 4 and they are a challenge everyday. Trying to keep them inline and working with them to know there name and place to sit on the bus and when to be quiet and knowing where they live. What teacher they have. And how to talk language wise on the bus is very hard for them to learn. Parents around here behind closed doors can really make my job a challenge. Boyfriends, Well that is a whole nother ball park. Trying to make them happy as well as trying to keep yourself in check and in a good mood for them is something else. You try to do something good and they end up making you look like a big J.A. But on the other hand they can be gentle and kind and try to show you the way they think is right. Take it into consideration but don't believe everything they tell you because you can switch it around and take advantage of the situation and make it your own. Sex is a good example for that one. But yet again I am still learning even after 11 years I thought sex was one way and yet he and my girlfriend told me a bunch of new ways that I never knew existed. Like I said "Nothing is Ever Easy.... Make good use of your time, cause time is all we got. So use it wisely, and all good things will come back to you in its own sweet time. Just remember we all can't downshift that quick, so don't break the shifter....

I woke up late this morning again. I got the kids up and started getting them ready. Everything went well with getting them out the door and on the bus. I came back in the house and did my situps, laundry, dishes and other odds and ends just to keep myself busy. My friends got off to work and I went to work myself. I got back from my run and I had 3 different messages from my soon to be x. I was almost floored by what he had said to me over the phone. I still feel nauseated. Now I am really stressed...I feel panicky. I am lost and really hurt by what he had said to me it is cruel and not fair. My son and daughter got home and I get a hug from one and not the other. It really sucks, especially when I am the one they blame for all that is happening to all of us. I am really tired and stressed and the only way I get any rest is when I am working and then I am on auto pilot. I think there is hope for all of us yet, just as long as we work together.

Today is my birthday and I am having a day. I got up late because I hit my alarm 2 times because I just couldnt get up the energy to get out of bed. I got out of bed at 5:30 and now I am late. The kids were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I told them all that I was sorry. They all told me Happy Birthday and I wanted to burst into tears. My emotions are starting to get the better of me. I feel really moody today because I have so much to do. I had a bus meeting this morning at 9:00am and then I had to do my bus route and then come home to clean house and make phone calls just to keep my household safe. I found out from my attorney that I needed to take pics of his stuff before I move it and then have him sign it when he comes to get his stuff. I didnt move the jeep yet for I have no keys and I didnt move the motor yet because its too heavy and I don't want to break the intake trying to get it up off the floor. But I did manage to move all the rest of his stuff out of the barn and I still have to put the rest of his clothes into boxes yet. I also talked to michelle from sylvia's place and she said she would get in touch with his probation officer to let her know what is going on so she can talk to him about his ppo also. Like I said I am having a day. I really am surprised that I actually made it through the day. I was really waiting for him on my lunch hour. I really wanted him to come so I could really do some damage. But you know that would just really bring me down so I just did some more exercise and just kept busy... All in all it was a pretty good day....

Wednesday is my birthday and I have a lot of friends who care about me and make me feel like I am just packed full of energy everyday. I hope that my friends are enjoying themselves...What am I saying I know that they are... Anyway my brother sent me a card for my birthday and I have been going through a lot and I really don't want to celebrate my birthday this year but everyone seems to think that I do... So I went with the flow and boy did I flow. Anyway my brother never sent me anything like this before so I want to share this with all of u... A SISTER IS A LIFETIME OF LOVE.... A Sister is a part of your passt... Someone who shares the same memories, the same values and traditions-- A sister understands where you've been. A Sister is a part of your present... Someone who makes life's successes seem all the more important, life's disappointments more bearable-- A sister knows and appreciates who you are. A sister is a part of your future... Someone who is always on your side, no matter what changes and challenges lie ahead-- A sister celebrates all that you can and will become. There's an indescribable comfort in knowing someone remembers who we were, accepts who we are, and believes in the person we will be tomorrow. No one does that better than a sister. In spite of the ways we're differnt, we've created a strong, caring relationship that's grown over time. We take turns leaning on each other when difficult things happen, celebrating the good stuff, and laughing at old memories. Having a sister like that is something to celebrate, especially because she's you.... A Friend for Life!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday, Love My brother and sister inlaw.

When u know that you are trying to make things better and nothing seems to go right I just look to my soul mate for support. I don't have to say a word because she knows how I feel and I don't ever want that to change. I love her so much that I dont know what I would do without her. She holds me when I cry and trys her best to tell me things will be better. I had a really bad morning my son made it really hard for me to even get up enough energy to go to work. But again she was there to tell me that I could do it. I needed to do it. But the energy was not there. My son really put me down, he called me every name in the book and told me that I was fat that I couldnt lose weight and that I was a bad mom and I wouldnt let him see his dad and I was just speechless. I didnt know what to say, I felt like I was on the playground being bullied. My friend was a savior today. My son will come around. But I think that he feels alone and I try to make him feel like he is wanted and loved but yet he keeps pulling away and I cant read him like I used to. I really miss my little boy he is growing up so fast. I dont know what to do anymore I feel like I am left out of the loop. Some people tell me what to do to help the situation but I have been in a different loop for so long that I dont know how to react so I just do what come natural to me. I hope that I will be the good mom again someday....

I'm so glad to have real good friends. Today was really hard for me. I had to go put a ppo on my husband again. This time I had help with writting it. But the lady I talked to was the same as last time. She was really nice. My best friend came with me so I know I would be able to tell her the full truth. This time I went back just a little further to a time I really prefer to have left alone. I went back and told her about him getting upset with me because I walked away from during a conversation and he came after me and back handed me and I lost my footing and hit my head on the house. And another time when he slapped my ass so hard that I couldn't sit down and said that I deserved it because I smart mouthed him. Then another time he slapped my glasses off my face because he didnt want me to see anything when I was trying to clean and get things done. He didnt love me just thought that I could get stuff for him. He thinks that I am a bitch and a cunt. I do have one but that is besides the point. He always talked down to me like I was nothing, and well at the time I felt that way because anything that I did wasnt right. Anyway for the kids I am glad to make this choice. I am done. Thanx for listening......

Ok, here I go again. This time is a little different. I have more people helping me through this. Finally I think that I might be able to find my smile again. Though I don't down shift that quick. The divorce will be final in 2 weeks and a ppo put out tm. Everything is starting to come together to a head and working and talking is seeming to help a bit. I need the children to talk a little more when they start feeling bad about what happened. I plan on making some appts so they can get into a little sessions so they can talk or vent to someone who will not take it offensively and not hold it against them. Like me. My daughter is doing pretty good so far. Though she does act up some times, but its not as bad as her brother. I think that this time will go a little better with others here to help them along. I hope. Positive influence is always better and I think they can give it to them. My best friend tells me it will only get better, but I keep telling everyone that it doesnt make it hurt any less....I really hurt right now and I am always going to wonder what went wrong or how could I have changed things to make it better. But I won't blame me or the friends and children because it was his fault for the stuff that happened and he made his bed now he can lie in it.... Ya know I know things will get

Today I had to go in for personal trials. Had to get up early for this also. Knowing today wasnt going to be a good one because of the dreams I had the night before had come true. The kids got up good and got off to school. My friend took me to the doctor and everything went well only because she was there to help me through things that I couldnt do myself. When we go back I had to go on a bus run. So I went. I got a phone call soon after asking me if it was ok for my soon to be ex to be there with his parents so he could get some of his stuff. I told her yes, thinking and praying that he would be gone when I got back but to my surprise he was still there and wanting to see the children. I let him stay for a bit but it was my understanding that his parents were going to come back and pick him up and well I ended up taking him back to where he came from. He so tried to use the kids against me one more time and I just couldnt stop crying. I had to stop the car on the way home just so I could pull myself together. He made me feel like I was the one who made everything bad in our marriage and I know that its not me its all him... But yet he still gets to me in my dreams. The hitting and punching he did to me, and of course I did it back to him because I needed to feel that back, just so maybe he wouldnt do it anymore boy was I wrong on that one. Its came back twice as bad. I used to have bruises from hell. It has not been the best marriage. I got two great kids out of it but the rest was just all a shame. I need to finish this later guys. Sorry I need to sleep for a bit then I will finish this one.

I dont know what is going on now? I am sort of in limbo. This weekend was supposed to be a good one. I was supposed to go have fun with my friends and it just seemed like a nightmare. Ok let me start from friday. Friday I had to go to a meeting for work which happens every year. So I did go, but when I got back I needed to go into holland to get my sons ds from my mother before she left work so I wouldnt have to try to go all the way out to bfe to get the darn thing. Then I went to do some shopping and I had to pick up my best friends husband because he was coming in for the weekend. Well this is kinda where it started. Her hubby was really late coming in and my husband was drunk and that wasnt good. My husband kept bugging me and asking the same ?'s over and over again. I told him the same things over and over and finally said enough is enough and I called my friend who was watching her son play in a sport at school. After she got done with what she had to do she came to me and we had dinner together mind u her hubby had a surprise for her and didnt want her there. So anyway when everything was all said and done my husband was supposed to leave on sunday morning and ended up being afternoon. Oh that sign I was talking about, well last week wednesday I got a letter in the mail from my lawyer saying that she wanted me to come in and talk to her and sign a paper to send in to the judge to dissmiss my divorce but I didnt want her too so I called her today and finished up the stuff I started to end the beligerent mouth and threatening stuff he was trying to put on the table for everyone to see. Now he doesnt have a pot to piss in and no one to blame but himself. I did say me but my girlfriend just slapped me. Anyway now we are all going to try to have a happy ending out of it I hope......