Mistress Angel's blog: "Basket Momma"

You know when u go to sleep at night your always thinking about the things that happen that day. Well I went to sleep last night and I had a dream after dream after dream about sex with different people and I was satified with everyone but one...And you know what the dream ended up being real. I jumped out of my skin they were so real... I had goosebumps. My skin was shiny with sweat and I tell you it was so awesome...I was wet below and I was laying in a pool of sweat.... It was wonderful when I awoke....

I have been just living the paswt 11 years in a small little world where I really don't exist. I merely just had sex which wasn't really loving and had 2 children and one miscarriage. I love my children very much but their father has many issues. ( he is an alcoholic)Trying to come out of it though. Tough going though. Right now my friends and family stand by me 110% whatever I choose to do. I am not saying I am perfect. Because I am far from it. I try to do the right things for the ones that I love, but it always seems like my best isnt good enough. They are always telling me that I need to look after myself too. You know I take care of myself just not mentally. My friends are trying very hard to boost my spirits so that I might try to find myself back and be the happy go lucky girl I once was. To my friends I am very grateful... Especially the ones who are really really close. I thank them for helping me in many more ways than one... Sometimes I feel like I am just a lost cause the way my husband at times words things and does the looks when he don't approve of what I am doing. I try hard to fight back but no energy left. Its gone... I pray to God to take him away, just for a little while and make hime see what I feel , and hear and see what is going on in my world. I am invisible to my son he dont listen to me and dont care. But yet my daughter loves me to no end but has her moments. I hurt a lot lately but AI hope to find my self confidence back and me as a whole. Thanx for listening you have been a wonderful audience.

Today I had a pretty bad start to the day and I got on my bus to pick up my children for headstart and I was a wreck. I just didnt think I could focus. I picked up my aide and everything was still not focusing. I picked up my first child and he came on and looked me straight in the eye as I said good morning and he came up to me and gave me a hug and said ms. Teresa I really love you your the best bus driver I will ever have and I just wanted to burst into tears. I love my children on the bus they always tell it like it is and I can't ask for anything better because they always know when your feeling good or bad and they always have those questions for u. That just made my day. I always look forward to my bus runs. The children always seem to make my day. I hope that I live to see these children grow up and someday I just might graduate to a bigger bus. Thanx for reading this everyone.

I have never been to a hillbilly funeral before and 1 day ago I finally got to go to one. It was really different. No one was crying in fact everyone was eating and dancing and playing lookin at pictures and remanecing. This was just so unreal. Usually when you go to a funeral everyone cries and talks and boohoo's and the family stands in a line while all of us walk through and give condolences. This was just out of the ordinary weird. Like everyone was happy that this person has past on. I wonder if they just pushed his body down into a revine. Just kidding I know that they cremated him and he wanted his remains to go to newyork city but his wife said that aint gonna happen. Then she went in to the house by the church and grabbed a cup of coffee for me. It was a really weird day for me. I really felt sad though, her husband used to give me crap about sex all the time in town when I would see him and he is an ex alcoholic. He was a nice guy when I met him I am glad that I didn't know him when he was an alcy.

Today I woke up with a Fuzzy feeling. I really didn't know what today would bring since the husband was up before me, and the rest of the household. My friend had 3 loads of laundry done before I got up and 3 pots of coffee gone too. So she made another pot for me and handed me a cig from the tray that we roll on. My husband started in on me again this morning and just started bellowing about everything. He said that he was going to scrap out the jeep because it wouldnt start and he also said that he was sick and tired of being a sobber one he would rather drink and be drunk. This really hurt my feelings again. Whats new right? Well yes your right this isnt new but something hit me this morning and I really think that it was reality. I been hurt so bad for so long that I didnt know how to feel, I mean really feel. So I really haven't been talking a whole lot today and the kids even wonder whats going on inside momma's head. But I kept reasuring them that momma's ok and that things were fine. After this I was in the bedroom folding clothes and the children come in and start telling me that they love dad but they want him to leave for a while. Ya know that I understand this. I told them yes I know and this will happen in time. Like next week. I dont really know if he is going to jail next week but I do know we lookin for rehab places to get him into. He put the woodstove in today, I think he knows the judge might put him away for a bit since he didnt go to all his aa meetings and he was supposed to get 15 applications in before the court date. So anywho I dont know what is going to happen he is pissed at me right now or still because I can't go to his court day. I have to work to keep this family going. Its not that I don't want to go its that I don't want to lose my job over it. I love my kids and I know that they love me but sometimes it seems like I lose feeling with them when they think they got to have something and I can't give them what they want. And guess what the day really aint over yet....

Today started out kinda good. Husband got me a cup of coffee and then after an hour it just seemed as though he went down hill. He just kept getting really cranky and touchy and I dont understand if it is the withdrawls from alcohol or if its me. I try real hard to be a good person and a great mom but it seems like he really don't care anymore. He is always making really rude comments and he never seems to care what he says anymore to me or the kids. All he is concerned about is himself. I wish that he would just leave at times just so that I could find myself again after 11 years of hardship. I won't say that I didnt have good times, I did but it just seems like the bad over rules the good. I hope that things take a drastic turn here soon. I feel like I am in a bad soap opera and can't get free. I need some help I keep crying out but ya know my friends keep telling me advice on what to do but I am the one to do the dirty work and I really don't know why I am still in this situation. I told him to leave 3 different times and yet he is still here. He hit me once but the kids weren't around so I took a walk away from him and he left me alone for a bit. I know why he hit me its because I didnt want to fight anymore. I am only 36 years old and I don't understand why I am always on the go. Today he told me that he was going to take my motorcycle and and the truck to the scrape yard so he could get some money to put on his fine but he didn't, he surely threatened though. I hope that he will start acting right tm.

I have been married for 11 years as of 7-26-07. I have 2 children. But I will start from the beginning. I got married in 1996, bought a house or should I say tried to buy a house, and got pregnant all in the first year of marriage. Thought that things were going good but soon to learn that I was married to a person that I really didnt know. I put up with a lot of verbal abuse for many years and sometime it got physical. I thought about leaving him many times, but always came back. My friends tried to help me but I really couldnt see it. I guess I was just begging for more. I know this sounds like a sob story, but I am starting to wise up. I always wanted good sex, time to myself, time for the children and at least have some time to spend with my husband. My life isnt what I thought it would be but at least I have learned patience, and be really out going as long as I know my children are ok and I try to listen as long as I am not being yelled at. I can actually say that I know what love feels like because my best friend from way back found me back and showed me how to really feel again. I do have really good friends I just need to do things in a pace that I can handle..