In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"
Bob says, "I'm gettin' it on with Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
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I decided to stop worrying about my teen aged daughter's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
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Man: You are awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy.
Woman: Get off my back
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Mrs. Prezocki walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?"
The clerk points and says, "On the wall over there."
She looks and says, "I want one of the red ones."
The salesman says, "No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher."
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A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"
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Little Johnny was sitting on the curb, crushing ants with his finger and saying "God Damn ants"
Father Brown was walking by and saw Little Johnny. He said "Little Johnny you should not be doing that, the good lord has put everything on this earth for a purpose."
"No that is not true Father," replied Little Johnny.
"Well can you tell me three things that have no purpose?" replied the Father.
Little Johnny said "Yes Father. The tits on a nun; the balls on a priest; and these God Damn ants."
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The other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's Club". One of my buddies wanted to impress us so he pulls out a $10 and put it on the stripper's butt.
Not to be out done, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.
Then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the $60 bucks and went home.
