Carebear's blog: "a funny"

SMART ASS ANSWER # 6 > It was mealtime during a flight on an Airline. "Would you like >dinner?" > the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my >choices?" > John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. > > SMART ASS ANSWER #5 > A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check >tickets. > As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he >opened > his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, >"Sir, I > need to see your ticket, not your stub." > > SMART ASS ANSWER #4 > A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but >she > couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, >"Do > these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "no ma'am, >they're > dead." > > SMART ASS ANSWER #3 > The cop got out of his car and the kid w ho was stopped for speeding >rolled > down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. >The > kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop > finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. > > SMART ASS ANSWER #2 > A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when a sign came up >that > read, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right >ahead of > him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. > Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks >to > the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, >huh?" > The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out >of > gas." > > And my personal favorite.... > > SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006... > A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now >class, > I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might > consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a > death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses > whatsoever! A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand >and > asked, "what would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from > complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to > laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles > knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "well, I >guess > you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

'Grandmas are Moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown~ What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, And they give me a million dollars worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret~ Grandparents never have children, only "grand" children. ~Gore Vidal~ When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash~ Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day And now the day was complete. ~Marcy DeMaree~ Grandmas' never run out of hugs or cookies! ~Author Unknown~ Grandmas' hold our tiny hands for just a little while, But our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown~ If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first ~Lois Wyse~ My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret~ My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Henny Youngman~ Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip~ You do not really understand something unless You can explain it to your Grandmother. ~Proverb~ An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret~ The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, Which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Dave Barry~ Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown~ Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley~ A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown~ One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby Around the finger of a Grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove~ It's amazing how grandparents' seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown~ Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a Grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie~ Grandparents' are similar to a piece of string-handy to have around And easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown~ A Grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. ~Author Unknown~ Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb~

>Fourth Place: > > > A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow >goes into her breast. > >They are both quite startled. > >The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your >breast, I know you'll forgive me." > >She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >----------------------- > >Third Place: > > > One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing >his wife's arm. > >The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist >appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." > >The husband, rejected, turns over. > >A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. > >"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >------------------------ > >Runner Up: > > >Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a >number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he >had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the >pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to >talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to >overcome the compulsion on his own. > > > >One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once >that something was seriously wrong. > >"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. > >"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put >my penis into the pickle slicer?" > >"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. > >"Yes, I did." he replied. >"My God, Bill, what happened?" >"I got fired." > >"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" > >"Oh...she got fired too." >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >----------- >Winner: > > >A couple had been married for 50 years. > >They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, >"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast >table together." > >"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a >jaybird fifty years ago." > >"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." > >Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. > >"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples >are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." > >"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. > >"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

A very loud, unattractive, and very ugly mean woman walked into >Wal-Mart >> > with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through >> > the >> entrance. >> > >> > The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. >> > Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" >> > >> > The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! >> > Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think >> > they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid? >> > >> > "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just >> > couldn't > believe you got laid twice."

A very loud, unattractive, and very ugly mean woman walked into >Wal-Mart >> > with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through >> > the >> entrance. >> > >> > The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. >> > Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" >> > >> > The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! >> > Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think >> > they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid? >> > >> > "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just >> > couldn't > believe you got laid twice."

1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? >2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? >3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box? >4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose? >5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller >machines? >6. How did a fool and his money GET together? > >7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan? >8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? >9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? >10. What's another word for thesaurus? >11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? >12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam? >13. Why is abbreviation such a long word? >14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? >15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? >16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes? >17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? >18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn? >19. Does fuzzy logic tickle? >20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? >21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special >Olympics? >22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? >23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? >24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? >25. What was the best thing before sliced bread? >26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? >27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? >28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? >29. Is it possible to be totally partial? >30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? >31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights >off? >32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound? >33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain >silent? >34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? >35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? >36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? >37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? >38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? >39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? >40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already >there? >41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken >bird!"What's another word for synonym? >42. So what's the speed of dark? >43. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? >44. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is >expanding, what is it expanding into? >45. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge >of everything outdoors? >46. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery >is >dead? >47. Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk >down >the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will >phone >the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!" >

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!" > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > The Earth Is Full - Go Home. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Illiterate? Write For Help. > ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Honk If Anything Falls Off. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, > But is Miles From The Next Exit. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed > Person. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Fight Crime: Shoot Back! > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) > If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph > Also Are Timed For 70 mph > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Guys: No Shirt, No Service > Gals: No Shirt, No Charge > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My > Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Ax Me About Ebonics. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Boldly Going Nowhere. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Heart Attacks: God's Revenge > For Eating His Animal Friends > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Honk If You've Never Seen > A Uzi Fired From A Car Window. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He > Admits He is Lost? > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > And Lastly: > > "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME >REASON

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog – and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital? I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

BITCHOLOGY When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch. Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it. B - Babe I - In T - Total C - Control of H - Herself B = Beautiful I = Intelligent T = Talented C = Charming H = Hell of a Woman B = Beautiful I = Individual T = That C = Can H = Handle anything