You find humor in other people's stupidity...
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...
You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
You have the bladder capacity of five people...
You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...
Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
(Oh wait, that's only if you're a NEWBIE to EMS ;-)
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of:
migraine
lower back pain
toothache (3rd time to ER, but can't make it to any dentist appointment)
(choose one of the above),
and has a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol)
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-Xanax-emia"...
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...
You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire...
You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable...
You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ...
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...
You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer", or a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit"...
You have ever answered a "lost condom" call...
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"...
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...
You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls the E.R. and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...
You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc , triage nurse, or partner as a "shit magnet" or "angel of death"...
Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion...
You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
You believe the ER waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain...
You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset("You've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...
Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I'm a virgin! How can I be having a baby"...
You have ever accused a patient of faking a seizure, only to watch him immeadiately come out of the seizure long enough to deny faking it and cuss you out, then go back into it...
You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine...
Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...
And finally, You might be an EMS professional if you find any of this funny!!!!
AND IF YOU'RE NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AND ARE OFFENDED THAT ANYONE WOULD FIND THIS FUNNY, THEN PAUSE AND THANK GOD THAT SOMEONE DOES, OR THERE WOULDN'T BE ANYONE ANSWERING THE DOOR WHEN YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL!
