Lady T KKS SBABHAC Member's blog: "Funny Things"

1-Skin signs tell all 2-Sick people don't bitch 3-Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing. 4-About %70 of the battery patients more than likely deserved it. 5-The more equipment you see on a EMT's belt, the newer they are. 6-There is no rule six, insert your own. 7-When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say. 8-All bleeding, seizures, falls will stop....eventually. 9-All people will eventually die, no matter what you do. 10-If the child is quiet, be scared.

Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it? A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it. Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland Coliseum? (or any other request for directions) A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here. Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital? A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in. Q. Do you like you like your job? A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job. Q. Do you make a lot of money? A. Not enough by a long shot. Q. How come the Police come to the call with you? A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my ass kicked by an irate bystander/family member/patient. Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do? A. Beats the hell out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or anything! Q. Have you ever seen a dead body? A. Yes, in all the various states of decomposition and putrefaction. I've even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet. Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar B Q) A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a stress case and might crack. Q. Do you have any spare change? A. Take a hike, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change. Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital? A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you promise to quit bugging me. Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie Paramedic)? A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner. Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital? A. No. Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital? A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back. Q. How come AMBULANCE is painted BACKWARDS on your front grill? A.There is a device on motor vehicles that is known as a rear-view mirror, some people have even been known to use it to see what is behind them when they are driving. Q. How fast will your ambulance go? A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely. Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor). A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive. Q. Can I have a band-aid? A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need? Q. What happened? (at a minor fender-bender auto accident). A. Plane crash! Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath). A. Plane crash! Q. What happened? (at a plane crash) A. Shark attack! Q. What does EMT stand for? A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for? A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money, thanks. Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen? A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing. Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you sorry you asked? Then of course the tables can be turned when I ask a stupid question....... Q. How old are you (to a little kid) A. 6! Q. When will you be 7? A. On my birthday!!! Q. Are you always this much of a smartass? A. No, I am usually much worse, but the medication is helping. Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby? A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop. Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus? A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-cal instead of cash payment. Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient). A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine. Q. Did you look for ID? A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle. Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim). A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once! Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code). A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic. Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms? A. Only if they use your pen. Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right? A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz? Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain). A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere. Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department). A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose? Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment). A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire. Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your ambulance? A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.

You find humor in other people's stupidity... You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm... Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you... You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants... You believe a good tape job will fix anything... You have the bladder capacity of five people... You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio... Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change... (Oh wait, that's only if you're a NEWBIE to EMS ;-) You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac... You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see... You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance... You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of: migraine lower back pain toothache (3rd time to ER, but can't make it to any dentist appointment) (choose one of the above), and has a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol) You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer... You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis... You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-Xanax-emia"... You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce... You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered... You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire... You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable... You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ... You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate... You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer", or a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit"... You have ever answered a "lost condom" call... You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"... You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis... You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"... You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably... You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls the E.R. and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"... You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc , triage nurse, or partner as a "shit magnet" or "angel of death"... Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion... You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form... You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience... You believe the ER waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain... You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"... You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset("You've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")... Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"... You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I'm a virgin! How can I be having a baby"... You have ever accused a patient of faking a seizure, only to watch him immeadiately come out of the seizure long enough to deny faking it and cuss you out, then go back into it... You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine... Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission... And finally, You might be an EMS professional if you find any of this funny!!!! AND IF YOU'RE NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AND ARE OFFENDED THAT ANYONE WOULD FIND THIS FUNNY, THEN PAUSE AND THANK GOD THAT SOMEONE DOES, OR THERE WOULDN'T BE ANYONE ANSWERING THE DOOR WHEN YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL!

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!" Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady,the Crisco is in aisle D." The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband." The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?" The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?" "Lard ass."

1. Never walk without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. 3. Messy desk Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 4. Voice Mail Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. 5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy. 6. Leave the office late Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays. 7. Creative Sighing for Effect Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. 8. Stacking Strategy It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best). 9. Build Vocabulary Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive. 10. MOST IMPORTANT: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!