Pepper's blog: "words in prose"

i lay awake at night..
my body screaming its need....

i know it is wrong to want so much...
especially when it is a want that cannot be self-satisfied....
it is painful.....
it tears you up.....

it draws blood...........

it triggers all kinds of wrong emotions....
anger for not being lucky to have such things...
depression.....
sadness.....
all kinds of things...
and sometimes they spill.....

the need rages in me...
the need to be beaten into submission -
literally....
the need to be sexed into unconsciousness.....
the need to hit peaks of intensity of sensation.....
the need to be restrained into
immobility.....
to feel the peaks and valleys of energy play til
exhaustion....

the need to get out of my own head...
not for a few minutes fleetingly...
but...
for some extended time....
to leave myself as not even sleep will let me....

sometimes this need takes over...
and i want to hurt whoever is in my way...
it is obsessive...
it is unhealthy....
it is insane...
but, it is there....
and it is true......

it is the reason why i clamped down my sexuality....
my desire....
it is not something i can provide myself with,
and i have no right to demand it of
anyone else....
i become like a rapist -
only i want to force someone to glut
me with sensation.....

the need makes me violent...
irrational...
unstable....
DARK.......

Dangerously heated..animated

unsated, i want to scream, cry....
rend....
tear.....

knowing that someone who might slake my need has given this gift to another..
when i hunger breaks all my bounds of rationality..
i become less than civilized....
I am red....
i rage......

other than denying it entirely..
i do not know how to deal with the
need.....
it is like vampiric bloodlust...
it is driving....it is
demanding...
it is nearly insatiable.....

and i have no right to expect anyone to accommodate it.....

How can one stave off pure hunger?
I hide....
I chant....
I smile.....
But you do not know what rages....
BELOW..........

*hanging head...watching the tears drop*

what does one do, when you are afraid to touch yourself for you
fear that in your need you will draw your
own blood in frustrated desire?

I bleed.................

i harbor no desire to tell of my childhood
not because it represented me as a victim
of everlasting humiliation or presented pain
but because i am no longer actively part of it.....

i have this massive conviction of mind
that some great event has taken place
to forever change the coarse of my life
and it stands clearly altered before me.....

with the result that everything
that has happened is now unimportant
to awaken tomorrow to cross a huge bridge
built at great height to lead me where life does.....

not because i choose to live there
but because my life has transpired there
without consent, without me having previous
knowledge, lead by forces not for me to judge.....

what does it matter what transpired
already, fate asks? yesterday was but a
day that is forever lost, a time of no matter
for me great things are yet to have become.....

Somewhat passionate

she rings the merry toll

singing out from the hilltops

whats hidden deep below

And with but a wisp of sound

Crimson skin set aglow

(still not finished)

Emotion

Arisen

In a soul

Open

Bare

Laid out

before

those eyes

Filling

Minute

Holes

Blooming

A flower

In those eyes...

I am One

I am None

I am Me

I am You

I am Lost

Time

Patience....

I wait

Craving

Touching

Myself

Wanting

I feel

TIME

Patience

I tell

Myself

Meanwhile

I dream...

A litany of hopelessness
overwhelming and enveloping

tormenting, taunting
these haunting questions

so confused, lost...

cursing my mind
restricting my soul

life in a tortured soul
hauntingly unanswered

nothing to ever be quite the same
an innocence lost, my innocence
the truth i was so determined
not to dig for, has been unburied
it doesn't only hurt, it left scars so deep
that life makes me have to deal with

yet i cannot help but feel
saddened by these memories
meaningless and pointless as it is
to beat myself up over this dead weight
trying to dole punishment out on myself
for something his crude love did to me

not loving me should have been enough
but to cause so much pain on the young
with feelings of abandonment and helplessness
at a life that stays darkened and sad
forgotten and lost in this chaotic world
how do i find myself with a broken soul?

i see great suffering in the world
i see the way of accident and blundering
and what we have created
i am not blinded by the illusions
i hear the cries everywhere of pain
and i know my loneliness
i know my own desire
would you be what i am?
drifting timeless, alone
listening to the carnal voices of the world
thirsting for love and understanding
anguish, unknowing, and unseeing
i know that which we created is void
and yet i do nothing
could i be what you are?

What is it

this thing.

Staring inside

Out..

What is it

this thought.

blinking

knowing...

what is it

a dream

in a window

unseen

what is it

this smile

dreamy, light

sighs