DJ GriZ's blog: "Ideas that sound good at the time"

Imagine three handjobs. Handjobs are never the acme of sexual experience, but it takes some skill to perform one well.

In the first case, the handjob is masterful: no abrasion of soft skin, no unnecessary brutality, everything always lubricated, the giver dextrous, sensitive to subtle changes in response. Kablooey. That is a good handjob.

In the second case, a rabid gorilla enters the room and tears your membrum virile right off. It is moving to tear your face off before it is tranquilized by zookeepers. That is a spectacularly bad handjob.

Both will get some kind of rise out of the recipient: an experience will be had — one of sufficient intensity to command attention.

In the third case, a bearded fop takes a mostly-flaccid appendage and strokes it awkwardly for an unconscionably long time. His efforts lack the violence of the second handjob and the transcendent execution of the first. You lie there. Maybe this will get better. Maybe if I think about something else, something very titillating. Yes, I'll contemplate Donald Rumsfeld. Time passes. Waves break on the shore. The wind blows. Tumbleweeds wheel across the road. Eventually, one realizes one has abrasions on one’s prepuce from too much gentle and inexpert stroking — but one notices these harms only when one emerges from a profound reverie about events and concepts in one’s accounting class. Whatever tumescence one has achieved vanishes with the memory of accounting class.

Nickelback are that third handjob.