DEElirious's blog: "Whooo thought i would loose my blog cherry......lmao"

Well what to say about a father who pins fault on you when you were not old enough to understand what was happening. I know what to say. I hope it haunts him how he treated me and that he doesnt rest good until he admits he was wrong. almost 19 years and still he refuses to admit what he did was wrong. So without further adue (spelling?) here is the story A child no more then 8 or 9 my dad walks in catching my half brother, who is like 5 years older then me, touching and fondling me. Being so young i was unaware that it was wrong. So what does dad do he spanks both me and him. Time passes and the same things keep happening. Mainly when everyone was asleep he would sneak in my room and do it all over again. out of fear of being punished i kept it all to myself. When i turned 16 it finally stopped because he stopped visiting dad. So today at 26 i finally tell my dad how he took my life away from me because i was scared of every man alive. I was afraid to get into a relationship for fear of them "taking" sex from me when i say no. Fear of getting in trouble if someone looked at me wrong. I told him that he had no right to punish me for something that wasnt my fault and his exact words were "maybe it was your fault" how could he be so cold, so heartless. I mean at 8 or 9 how is it your fault that someone does you that way. I have seen therapist after therapist trying to get over this. It had started going away till he says all that he said tonight to me. I mean i was just getting over the thought that i had done something to deserve such sick treatment. that i was bad thats the reason my half brother did such things to me. then with my dad saying that everything came back like a ton of lead onto my shoulders. Nothing could hurt as bad as what he has said to me. Then on top of that he tells me that my fiance should go back to knott co and stay out of his face. Im thinking WTF my fiance never goes down there. they never see him.

Well i dont know where to start or how to start how hurt and confused i am by my fiance. He says he loves me yet he cant seem to find 5 minutes of his time off work to just spend with me to work on us. He wont talk to me nothing. Last week i sprang my ankle and had to risk worse injury by walking on it early because he wouldnt help me. Need i mention how dangerous it was seeing how i live on the second floor of an apartment building? so i had to suck up the pain from the spain and do everything. Then when i bring up him coming home from work and jumping on here till 5 am he says "your making something out of nothing" now im thinking WTF? how am i doing that just cause i ask for 5 minutes dont get me wrong i know he wants "david time" but ya know what "david time" isnt keeping this relationship together. Its me that keeps us going cause i wont quit or give up. Stupid of me I KNOW like last night i texted him this kinda "naughty" message and he couldnt even say anything to me about it. I mean he thinks eats dreams drinks and breaths sexual thoughts so shouldnt that have been something he would want to hear? I dunno what to do we are suppose to get married in july but how can i do that when things are getting almost as bad as the man i just got a divorce from. If i had wanted a marriage like that i wouldnt be divorced now would i. I dunno someone PLEASE shed a light on this and explain why he is like he is. I mean if he didnt want to get married then why the hell ask me and why stick around leaving me to believe he wants something he doesnt. And i know it just could be that he is like that. Maybe he wasnt brought up to be loving like i was brought up. When i was growing up my parents also showed that they loved each other. Why cant i have that too. I just want to be loved by him like he said he loves me. OK so this sounds selfish and im not saying im perfect but atleast i show him i love him. I do his laundry i cook for him when he has time off work. I cater to his every need. Hell WHEN we take a bath together i even wash him dear Lord how much more could one man want. I refuse to ask him for anything because there are just somethings that should be common sense ya know like a few minutes of alone time just the two of us. Or showing that he cares in the least would be a start. well i guess i better shut up cause i doubt anyone will take time to read this. Anyways till next time......

i dunno what else to do i have told him how his lies hurt me and i have told him things have to change. BUT no change and he doesnt act as though it bothers him that im hurt.what is a girl to do. I know alot of people say to leave him. I think about that myself everyday. I just wish he could see that others see the way he treats me and they see they hurt i feel because of it. Just to let you all how our relationship works.....i wait on him hand and foot. I take his supper to him i pack his lunch. I talk to no guys without his knowledge of it. I dont delete cookies or hide anything i do on the computer. If we take a bath together i wash him off. What else could a man want in life??? I have even paid the bill so his lying ass can stay on the internet. He wastes money and i dont complain. Up untill the last couple months i paid the rent for him a place to stay ALTHOUGH it was my apartment. well ok and here is how is side of the relationship is....he gets home between 4-6 am sleeps till 330 that evening gets ready for work and leaves on the weekend he sleeps all weekend if he doesnt have to work and plays the video game or is logged on here the when he is awake. He didnt even so much as say happy birthday ON my birthday. He got a card the saturday after but didnt sign it. he doesnt kiss me other then what kiss i give him on the cheek when he goes to work. His i love yous dont even sound like he means them but he swears he loves me. so now you been the judge. what do you think? should i stay or should i go.

well i didnt tell him but he hurt me on valentines day. He had the gift he was suppose to get me built up to be untoppable. It would have been a nice gift but it could have been topped. I only wanted on thing ( i wont say it cause he knows deep inside what it was.) but the point is why say and build things up if u arent going to follow through with them. If you forget then its the same as not doing anything IF you have it built up to be something its not. I will admit the gift he told me he had planned to get me was nice. But he knows i wouldnt have had any time to myself to enjoy it. I have 3 kids so where do i get time to enjoy anything dealing with a spa package. Just like at xmas he talked about how he was going to get me a ring and have our daughter give it and a note to me asking me to marry her daddy. I was so looking forward to that then it never happened. Looks like i would be use to him not following through. and something told me when he kept saying how good of a gift it was that i wouldnt get anything. i mean i didnt get him much just a card but i would have loved a card.......hell i would have love being woke up with a kiss and an i love you but didnt get that either. ah well just thought i would get this off my chest i mean as i have said many times before he wont read this so im not worried about what i say. and if he does oh well. he will learn not to say something unless he knows for a fact he can follow through with it.

Ok well its 11:42pm my time and im bored to death my kids are away for the night and the love of my life had to work its not right. SOOOOOOOO now what do I find myself doing? sitting on cherrytap and myspace doing NOTHING! So i got to thinking. What would i want more then anything in my life at this very moment? and to my suprise....I DONT KNOW. I mean should everyone know what they want in life. I mean i know somethings but i wont put them in here incase someone reads this and thinks im being a pushy GF. But i mean i just dont really know what i want for my life. I want to go to school. I want to raise my family and well i have tried both of them but they just clashed majorly. Maybe what i need to do is just sit back and let life happen. Drop hints here and there to whoever is in control of things but otherwise just let it happen. I mean i think i have alot of things to be thankful for so why complain and worry about what can or could happen. LMAO this is going no where fast. Its running in circles or so it seems. Just rattling on about nothing but trying to unload things at the same time. I could sit and compain about how my day was but what good would that do. It wont change anything that happened. It wont make the wrongs that has been thrown at me the last couple days right. It wont take the things that i was accused of and make them dissappear. And its definately not going to change the world. oh well i guess i will end this and find something more constructive to do. Take care all and good night.

If im not good enough move on leave me alone and stop my hurt. I have gave you almost a year and a half. and you have gave me nothing but pain. I gave you a child but you dont care. I have you a home and you want to throw it away. What does it take to make you see. I cant love you anymore then i already do. WAKE UP!!!!! If you want to see the women of the world then do it somewhere OTHER then my home. I gave you every part of me and you broke it. you know that i was cracked (emotionally) when we met. So i guess you saw that as an opening to finsh breaking what was left of me. I dont know how much more i can take from you. The broken spots cant be fixed. The man i fell in love with is no where to be found. I miss him and i realize he wont be back. And i cant see "US" coming back either. I hope when you see this you start to think what you just threw away. I hope the next woman treats you like shit like you have me. I also hope that whatever comments are left are harsh and unbareable for you to read as though u will even care what anyone thinks of how things are with us

Well where do i begin? All week i have sent my bf sweet little things through email and left him comments that mean something to me and come from my heart. What do i get in return...Nothing. Says he dont send me things cause its things he can say to me in person. HAHAHA thats funny because he says he CAN but DONT. I do everything for him and ask for nothing in return. He will even take time to read things from everyone else but i dunno its like when i post something that i want him to see he dont look at it unless i send it to him directly. Maybe i should just start posting my tits maybe that would keep his attention. I mean i cook and take it to him , pay the bills (just now asked for help with them after almost 6 months, wash his clothes. Take care of OUR child. I have worshiped the ground he walks on just to make him happy. So anyways i sent him a message saying that it didnt do me any good to send him things because he doesnt send nothing back (and doesnt say what he could send) anyways so i log on here this morning and find he left me a gift. Instead of sending a flower or romantic dinner or something sweet like that i get strawberries and whipped cream. If it isnt something sexual with him then its nothing. We cant even lay and watch a movie without him slapping my ass or doing other things. I just want one night of romance NOT LIKE IM ASKING ALOT. Hell we dont even kiss unless its a peck on the cheek. I love him more then life but sometimes it doesnt feel as though the feelings are returned. I mean i dont even get full contact lip kisses durning sex. So my question is whats wrong with me? because to me he is perfect. Well anyways im gonna go cause im sure no one is gonna read this. AND i know for a fact he probably wont really read it he will give it a glance over and pass it on.

Well not much has changed since my last post other then i got hired on at the school that i sub at as a teachers aide. I really dont like the job only because the child i work with had ADHD and BD. It sucks cause i cant do nothing although the child hits me and kicks me and stuff but maybe if i stick with her it will get better. anyways i guess i better go and get some house work finished!

Like all the rest if it belongs to anyone on here i will remove it but it fit my love life so well that i had to put it up although i know the one that should read it wont i figured maybe someone else may be in the same situation as me...me and the bf are living together but still i feel alone. Is that normal???? let me know what you think on the topic please What Good Is Love by Sass I waited for your love in hope, That ours would come again, And make me feel the things I felt, When we were one, back then. But time and distance have erased, The things I wished anew, And now I find myself alone, Though I am here with you. What good is love, that does not touch, What good is love, that gives you pain. What good is love, that makes you run, And makes you lost out in the rain. I traveled to another world, Out far beyond the one we knew, I thought that I could live again, And now I find I'm back with you. But what of hearts that beat as one, And what of passion and embrace, Is it too much to ask of you, To make these tears of mine erase. What good is love, that does not touch, What good is love, that gives you pain. What good is love, that makes you run, And makes you lost out in the rain. Too painful this - to journey back, To times of love and laughter free, The times we lay together with A sense of you , a sense of me. So now, I journey on alone, Forever wandering, in my thoughts, And I shall ask you once again, What good is love.

Well i just wanted to talk. I dont have anything special to say. BUT i need to ramble. Kinda like a diary. Today has been the most depressing day i have faced in a long time, sad part is i dont know why. All day i have wanted to cry or hit something but not out of anger. Feels like the world is trying to fall in on me. I have been with family all day. looks like i could find something to smile about. I mean i have 3 perfect (some of the time anyways)kids a man who i love with all my heart a home and im alive so whats not to smile about? I am not sure. Its kinda like if i could just find a hole somewhere and curl up in it where no one could find me I would be so much better off. Im not wanting to stop my life but I want it to hold on and wait for me. I dont want it to end but I do want to feel like im part of it. I dont want anything to happen to my family but I wish I could go 5 minutes without someone yelling for me to do something. I wish I could have 5 minutes without someone I dont want to lose my home but I do with it could clean itself. Am I crazy or does alot of people feel like this? Could someone please answer that for me would make things come into focus if someone would!