"What things on your Resume really means"
1. I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
2. I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
3. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
4. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
5. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
6. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
7. I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
8. I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
9. I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
10. I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
11. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
12. MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
13. I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
14. I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
15. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
16. I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
17. I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
18. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
19. I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
