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What are you waiting for?
Well, I know my previous blogs have been pretty damn depressing but that is where I was in my life when I wrote them. Now? Not so much. I finally got to go home to Virginia and I had an amazing time. It is what I needed to get over a really rough patch I was going through. I met some amazing people while I was home. People that made me realize that there is life after heartbreak. I also met back up with an old boyfriend of mine, courtesy of Facebook, and after spending alot of time with him have rekindled an old flame. He makes me feel amazing...loved, wanted, cared about...all the things I have been missing in my life lately. Right now we are 500 miles apart but that should be changing in the not too distant future. I'm finally going to be going home for good and I can't wait. I went up to VA this last weekend and spent it with him and this weekend he's coming down to SC to spend the weekend with me. There's not a lot of people I would drive 500 miles for but he makes every mile worth it.
I'm happy. That's what my friends wanted for me so I hope this news makes them happy. I may end up losing some friends over this and it actually kinda scared me to even say anything about it here but I've got to be honest. I'm sorry for anyone that may not take my news as well but all I can ask is that you please be happy for me.
I got into a discussion today with my sister. She feels I should move on in my life. That I deserve a chance to be happy. She thinks I am just hanging on to someone who in a way was never really mine in the first place. That's not exactly true...he was mine for awhile and then we became more friends (FWB) then BF/GF. I accepted what he was willing to give me because I was just so crazy about him. I have had boyfriends...plenty of them in my 44 years on this earth...but I can honestly say none of them have ever treated me better than he did. Why wouldn't I want to hang on to someone that great. Sure, he wasn't perfect. He made mistakes. But his mistakes were nothing compared to my exes. His mistakes didn't involve police reports or hospital visits. He rarely drank, didn't do drugs, held a job, and took good care of me. He inspired me to be a better person and I can honestly say that in the 2 plus years that I spent with him I grew up A LOT. It's really hard to move on from someone who did so much for me. I feel like letting go is giving up, it's failing. What am I failing at? I'm not exactly sure but it just doesn't feel right. I know the time will come when I have to take a step away but I have to make that step when it feels right to me. I think deep down inside I will know when to let go. For now, I have to do things my own way. I just hope that my family and my friends can respect that and realize that I really do know what is best for me.
I'm writing today from the guest bedroom in my sister's house. Seven and a half years is how long it has been since I have been back to Virginia. It feels good to be back and it came at a time where I really needed a distraction from what is going on in my real life. I can stick around with my family for a little while and give my emotional state a chance to heal a little. I saw my doctor yesterday before I came up here and was prescribed Lexapro. It won't start working right away so being around my family will give me a some stabilty while it takes effect.
My sister wants me to move home. Back to Virginia for good. I do miss my family but I don't know if Virginia is even home anymore. Home is where the heart is and right now my heart is over 2000 miles away from me. I don't know how long it is going to take to heal from this broken heart because what I feel for him is true, strong, and deep. I'm not in any rush. I need to get myself to some state of emotional stability before I even consider a future romance.
My heart still hurts but at least here, amongst my family I know I am safe, loved, and most definately wanted. I don't feel second best or like a burdon. I love my family with all of my heart and I am so glad to be here. I think that if I can't be with him right now then I am exactly where I need to be.
What do you do when it doesn't get easier? Time is supposed to heal all wounds right? Bullsh*it! Time just makes things worse and worse. 2,160 miles away from me...that's how far you are. 34 hours straight driving...and you know what? I would do it just for one more kiss from you. Just to be in your arms one more time.
I've made some friends on here that are making things a little more bearable. They are showing me that I'm not alone and people do care about what I'm going through and how I'm feeling and I can't begin to thank them enough for that. However, they aren't you. No one is ever going to be you but you.
I've been thinking. It's scary when that happens...especially in the frame of mind that I am in right now. I can wait for you. She had to. Of course she didn't know that you were with me which I'm sure makes it alot easier. I have to wait knowing that you are giving her the love and affection that should be mine. Are you worth it? To me the answer is undeniably YES.
What do I do when I can't have you? I surround myself with pictures of you. I hold my breath waiting to hear that I have a text message from you on my phone or even better, I hear the Sons of Anarchy theme playing and know that I will get a chance to hear your voice. I know that calls and texts are going to to become more spaced apart. I know it's hard to call someone on the phone who can't make it through a conversation without crying and making you feel guilty. How long before that alone pushes you away? How long before I am just waiting in vain and you decide that you are better off without a friend like me in your life? Or how long before your "dirty little secret" is found out and you are FORBIDDEN from having any kind of contact with me? How long can I live with the illusion that you are still a part of my life? How long can I hold onto this hope? I don't know the answer to that but I do know that this hope I feel is the only thing keeping me going from one day to the next. I just need to make it to the 6th when hopefully my doctor will prescribe me something to numb my feelings. I need an escape and a medically prescribed one is my only option.
I keep waiting for things to get better. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting... I keep waiting for these feelings to fade away. 44 years. I've lived with myself for 44 years and can't ever remember feeling this emotionally and physically torn down. I have been through so much in my time on this earth and yet this is what I am going to let finally break me down.
I've have just now had a thought while writing this. When I was 21 I met a guy named Robert in a bar. I know, big surprise there. I guess the surprise is that he didn't buy me a beer, he bought me a hot chocolate. :) This guy was everything I didn't like in a guy. He was tall and skinny (don't mind tall being 5'9" myself), had a beard and drove a pickup truck. Plus he was 32 at the time. He was so totally not my type at all and yet him and I were just drawn to each other. No one wanted us together and that was fine by us. Oh my God did we fight. We were both so stubborn and hard headed that everything was a challenge. We couldn't stay together but we couldn't stay apart either. About a year into our relationship he was diagnosed with diabetes and had to take insulin. We lived in a townhouse where we also had custody of his two children. His ex-wife who didn't like me (she considered me bleach blonde bimbo, which she proceeded to write on my car) decided to make things difficult and take him to court so that I couldn't be around his kids. There was an easy solution to that problem that she probably hadn't even bothered to consider. We got married. Can't say we did it for the right reason but I do not regret it. I loved him, he loved me...I had no doubt about that. But being stubborn we butted heads and ended up separating. I moved in with a lady friend of mine from work. Robert and I were still going to see each other but when he stood me up to go to the circus I got mad and went out. I met a nice guy and him and I started going out. Robert was nice enough to have divorce papers served to me on my birthday. We ended up divorced only to find out later that all I would have had to do was tell him that I didn't want a divorce and he wouldn't have gone through with it. Pride gets in the way of a lot of things. 3 years later him and I are back together for a little while. It's weird how that happened. I had just gotten back from a birthday party at which I had gotten quite drunk. I still can't drink Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum because of that night. The guy that I was living with was really freaking me out and scaring me. Violence was not unfamilar in our relationship and he was in some kind of strange mood that left me feeling uneasy. I drove up to the grocery store at the end of the street (and no I shouldn't have been driving), called information and got Robert's new phone number. I hadn't spoken to him in years. He answers the phone and tells me that he will send a cab for me but I proceed to drive myself over. I got there and it was like we were never apart. I never went back to my old place. What I didn't know was that he had been seeing a girl named Shelby for a few years. She called him while I was there and he ended things with her right then. When she asked why he put me on the phone. All I had to do is tell her my name and she understood. This was a man who made no secret of his feelings for me. For 10+ years Robert and I did the off and on relationship. I always knew that no matter what happened in my life there was one person who would always have my back and be there for me....until...I got a phone call from my step-daughter to let me know that he was in the hospital. Complications from his diabetes. He was in a coma. I was remarried at this point but I still went to the hospital to see him. My husband understood. He ended up being taken off life support and passing away. My heart broke and I felt so guilty. If I had been with him he would have taken care of himself. That was my thinking. It is believed by his family that he committed suicide.
I understand this now. When I was 40 I was diagnosed with diabetes. I know that I will have to take insulin shots every day for the rest of my life. I also fell in love again in 2012. I spent 2+ years living with him. It was a strange relationship in that it was really one-sided for the most part. There were times when he told me he loved me but that was lies. Even though it wasn't a two-sided love affair he was great to me. He became my best friend and someone who believed in me. He is such a major part of my life that now that he is no longer in it my life seems empty and hollow. He is still my friend but now I am like a dirty little secret from his girlfriend. Thats where he went by the way...back to his ex. I was alone when I met him but I wasn't lonely. Now that I am alone again I feel like the lonliest person in the world. This is where I finally understand Robert. What reason do I have to take care of myself. So I can just feel this pain day after miserable day? Why not just let nature takes its course? I can sit back and do nothing. Then I can just be another statistic...another complication of diabetes. My family won't feel like they've failed me because they definitately haven't. And I don't have to continue on with this miserable exsistance of mine. I keep telling myself that he will be back. That what he thought he wanted isn't what he wants and he will realize it now that he has it. I know that's not true. He feels about her like I feel about him, not that I think either of them deserve it. He's not coming back.
There's a poem by Sid Vicious in a book written by Nancy Spungen's mother that Sid wrote for Nancy after her death...all though it's written by a guy for a girl the sentiment sums up my feelings right now.
What do you do when the tears just keep coming? They stop as long as I am not thinking but I haven't figured out how to shut my brain off. I don't drink (much). I don't do drugs. I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore. I have no artificial distractions left. No quick easy feel-goods. I actually went to a party last night. Why? Because I just wanted to be around other people. When it came time to leave for the party I decided I didn't want to go but I went anyway. I'm glad I did. Today I went out with an old friend. At least I am not just sitting around my place waiting for things to happen. That's a lie...for the most part I am just sitting around dwelling on what I can't have anymore. All I have to do is think about him and my heart breaks and the tears fall out of my eyes.
Am I an awful person because as much as I want him to be happy, I want him to be happy with me. How long is it going to take for him to realize that him and I belong together?
I told him today on the phone that he had to respect the fact that I never gave up on us even though I know he would like me to. I told him I can't give up because the day that I give up is the day I have no reason to keep hoping. And what is life worth without hope?
I'm not sure what to do. I feel so alone right now. I feel like I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I've lost my best friend, my rock, a giant piece of myself. I don't look forward to what tomorrow brings. I know what tomorrow brings. More of today. I just keep thinking what is it going to take for things to get better? Time? I don't think so. My heart is broken, my health sucks, my family is far away. I have no friends I can turn to, no shoulder to cry on. I sit in my room and cry. I sit in my car and cry. I walk through a store and cry. I have never felt as alone as I do right now. I think I could be in a room full of people and be all alone. I'll be totally honest because you know what, I don't know any of you people that might be reading this. If I wasn't such a coward I would just say f*ck this and end it all. I can't do that though because as long as my mom is around I know that there is someone out there that cares about me and would miss me. This isn't a cry for help. I'm not gonna do anything stupid. I just need some place to get these feelings out so that they don't just eat me up inside.
