THis is a question I've often asked myself.
I guess, to start off with..
I want a place to call my own. Sure, I have an apartment, but I have to deal with nosy, annoying neighbors... I want to build a house somewhere on a hill near a river..maybe in Scottland somewhere..
I want a car...but I think it's ridiculous to have to pay more money for something I already own (Namely the car insurance.)
I want to own my own business. I'm an artist. Most Artists aspire to this..
I'm just...I'm a floater. I get by on a commission or two here and there...
But I'm probably gonna be a floater for some time...I don't have the motivation required to get what I want.
Sure, money to get the things I want should be the motivation...but I hate money...but I have to have it to survive..and that sucks.
I'm an idealist, I guess..believing that everyone should have what they need in life without having to struggle to achieve it.
BUt, then again, there are those who say that life is nothing but one big struggle...
I'm tired of struggling to reach the pinnacle.. I'm just one person, after all, in this big world.
I'm no Bill Gates or Stephen King, I'm no Rembrandt or Picasso...I'm just plain ol' ordinary William Luke.
I have some skills when it comes to drawing..but I started out drawing when I was a little kid..I got seriously into it when I was 15...and now I've started losing interest in the only thing I'm good at...
Do you have any idea what it's like to no longer have the drive to do what it is you are naturally good at? It's the only skill I've ever built upon and now I'm losing interest in it...
I have no other skills unless you count flipping burgers..and who the fuck wants to do THAT for the rest of their lives?
I know I'm capable of so much more than what I've become. I just dunno if I have what it takes to fight the past and bury it.
My past is a big part of my life...I deal with it every day...I have nightmares about it.. I try to put it behind me..but the tumultuous thread of thoughts in my head always leads me back to the past...I could be thinking of something totally unrelated, like, I dunno, an airplane...and I begin thinking of the life I could have had, had my mother decided to stay with the one guy I thought was capable of being a good father (Whom happened to work at an industrial Airpark).
It is then that I slip into a depression that I find it hard to get out of...Like a deep pit with no hand or footholds, no ladder..and I can't dig my way out...
I'm a jumbled mess of emotions. I distance myself from the people who are trying to help me and for the life of me I can't figure out why...
Do I want to be alone? Am I searching too hard for answers?
What will it take to get me out of this slump I'm in?
Hard work and dedication...
BUt I'm apprehensive...what if I fail again? Can I handle having to build myself back up? And if I can...what if I fall again? What then? Will I have the strength to pick myself up off the floor and keep going?
I've often thought of suicide..but I know it would be a life wasted and soon forgotten..
And that's my greatest fear in life. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to live my life in obscurity...I want more.. I know I do...
I'm just too scared to go after it...
