scottgraywolf's blog: "weekly giggles"

How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy Pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold Head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold Compress to cheek and check record S for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and Pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air. (You now know why I'm a dog person. Life is much simpler.)

> > 1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. > > > > 2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every > > two weeks or it will digest itself. > > > > 3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle. > > > > 4. A rasin droped in a glass of champagne will bounce up > > and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the > > top. > > > > 5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and > > cannot find a mate. > > > > 6. A duck quack does not echo. No one knows why. > > > > 7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2". > > > > 8. During the chariot race scene in the 60's movie "Ben > > Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance, and > > Heston's wearing a watch. > > (Want to make you watch the movie again) > > > > 9. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong > > parents daily! > > > > 10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because > > he doesn't wear pants. > > > > 11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during > > World War II were made of wood. > > > > 12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four > > moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. > > > > 13. Their are no words in the dictonary that rhyme with > > orange, purple and silver. > > > > 14. The name Wendy was made up for Peter Pan. There was > > never a recorded Wendy before then. > > > > 15. The first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in > > World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. > > > > 16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion > > it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (I > > wonder who was the sadist who discovered this?) > > > > 17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to > > s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the > > opposite of the norm. > > > > 18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce > > Springsteen's "Boen in the USA." > > > > 19. The original name for butterfly was flutterfly. > > > > 20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old > > English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife > > with anything wider than your thumb. > > > > 21. The first product Motorola started to develops was a > > record player for automobiles. At that time, the most > > know player on the market was Victrola, so they called > > themselves Motorola. > > > > 22. Roses maybe red, but violets are indeed violet. > > > > 23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back > > you cannot sink into quicksand. (But I am not going to > > try this one out.) > > > > 24. Both Celery and mushrooms have negative calories. It > > takes more calories to eat them than they have to begin > > with. > > > > 25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie > > Chaplin look alike contest. > > > > 26 Chewing gum while peeling onions will kepp you from > > crying. > > > > 27. Sherlock Holmes never said in the books by Doyle, > > "Elementary, my dear Watson." > > > > 28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington made it illegal > > for a woman to take more than three strps backwards while > > dancing. > > > > 29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified Kosher. > > > > 30. The Guinmess Book of Records holds the record for > > being the book most often stolen from public libraries. > > > > 31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they > > go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages > > them. > > > > 32. Bats will always turn left when exiting a cave. > > > > 33. In Romack Virgina it is against the law to have sex > > with the lights on. > > > > 34. A law in Wisconsin requires that their be a passenger > > in cars after dark. That passenger must run 100 feet > > infront of the car waving a lantern warningfarmers a car > > is coming so the cows and horses will not be scared

Adult: 4 Jokes! These jokes may or may not be adult jokes! "Ham And Eggs" Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering. One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry. Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?" Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well, then go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs." =============(Plus)=================== "Women And Sex" 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none. Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women. Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't. Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree. Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts. National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels. In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation. Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented. White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls. Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't. Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians. Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record. Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date. Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate. Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex. White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex. 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner. So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lives with her single mom, shouldn't be too hard to get. Happy hunting. ===================(Also)====================== Subject: XXX LOL's: Not So Clean LOL's! A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!" *--------------------------(And)------------------------------* *Being on Welfare* A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi, you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bull shitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Married 30 Years . . I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 15 " black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 29 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a king-size bed, and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping every night with a 60 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up to your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 30 year old blonde, and she would make absolutely sure that I would be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 15" TV. I just love older women. They know how to solve a man's problems in a hurry. Do You Have a What? A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again". The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina"....... "Yes" she says...... The man replies.. "Good! Would You Mind Telling Your Husband To Leave My Wife's Alone And Start Using Yours ?" Lecture "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man. Insane The Jokester told Jon, "I called the local insane asylum the other day to see who escaped from there recently." "Really? Why do you wonder about that?" "Well, SOMEBODY married my ex-wife last month" New Diet Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."

> RANT: Old People Smell Funny, and Other Life Lessons From EMS > > > Date: 2006-08-29, 2:34AM EDT > > > It's a fact of life. The older you are, the funnier you smell. Everyone > remembers wrinkling their nose at the occasional malodorous burst that your > grandfather would emit from his recliner. We all have that one Great-Aunt > who never quite got the message that bathing in lilac perfume not only didn > t make her attractive, but was also socially inappropriate at funerals and > baptisms. > > Eventually though we're all going to reach the age when our olfactory > abilities are no longer quite up to snuff, and then we too will join the > ranks of the Funny-Smelling-Old-People. In the hopes of brightening the > lives of all of the various and theoretical individuals who will be involved > in caring for us though, let me offer a few ground rules that I've thought > up during the course of my intensive studies of the aged human. > > Rule Number 1: > If you piss yourself, change your garments and/or bed sheets immediately. If > unable to fulfill this task immediately alert your caretaker to the problem. > If caretaker is a lazy fatass NA in a nursing home, threaten to cut some > bacon off that bitch's ass if she doesn't get you some new drawers. > > This may seem like a no-brainer, but when you have no brain (quite literally > as the Alzheimer's disease has put millions of little holes through yours) > you might need a little reminder now and then. This is a bigger problem with > little old men than with little old women. These 80+ year old gentlemen have > worn the same pair of tighty-whities since Churchill was smoking cigars and > fending off Nazis, and by God you're not going to change that habit now. > True, the tighty-whities would now be more appropriately called > tighty-yellowies, tighty-brownies, or tighty-WHAT THE FUCKies, but the > stench of old ball sweat, urine, and last weeks nursing home brand > chili-con-carne is appealing and soothing to the most ancient of men. > > All the same- fellas, change it up every now and then. If for no other > reason than to spare the young paramedic who's come to pick you up off the > floor the overpowering stench of your manly musk. The gentleman I picked up > last night had been on a "Nothing but asparagus, and garlic" diet for about > a week based on the incredible odor that was released every time he spread > his sizeable thighs. > > Rule Number 2: > If you have a colostomy bag, wear it. ALWAYS. > > According to Wikipedia, a colostomy is "a surgical procedure that involves > connecting a part of the colon onto the anterior abdominal wall, leaving the > patient with an opening on the abdomen called a stoma. This opening is > formed from the end of the large intestine drawn out through the incision > and sutured to the skin. After a colostomy, feces leave the patient's body > through the stoma, and collect in a pouch attached to the patient's abdomen > which is changed when necessary." > > I don't know how much more detail I need to go into on this one. The > implications of not following my rather simple directive are obviously > severe, but sadly it's a problem that millions, if not billions of Americans > face everyday. At least it seems that way to me. Letting shit literally run > down your entire body, including into the open, gangrenous wound on your > foot is just bad form. There's nothing at all Christian about doing that. As > a matter of fact, didn't Jesus say "Thou shalt not let shit run down thy > body", or something like that? I'm pretty sure I read that in Gastrocnemius > 13:4. > > Of course if you do let all of this happen to you, you're probably crazy > enough to latch onto the railing of the staircase with your old-lady claw > hands, and contort yourself into an ungodly position. And did you just > manage to get your head stuck between two of the support posts for the > railing? You did? Good. Time to call the Fire Department. > > Rule Number 3: > Do not, at any time, place your nasty old-lady hands anywhere near the > paramedic's genitals. > > "Ma'am, with all due respect- please stop cupping my balls. I don't care if > I do look like a guy you fucked in 1928" Yeah, I'd hoped to make it to at > least 21 before I had to use that line, but unfortunately my chosen > profession will afford me no such luxury. This rule doesn't have as much to > do with terrible smells as the others, but it's still an important > announcement for the geriatric population. Once you top 60 (and I'm being > generous there) it is imperative to the psychological well-being of those > around you that you adopt a perfectly asexual lifestyle. IMPERATIVE. To the > younger folks reading this: work hard in school, and develop the anti-Viagra > Work hard to pass a Congressional measure requiring all old folks to take > said pill. > > Rule Number 4: > Ladies, take care of your teats. Everyone likes American Cheese- nobody > likes Boob Cheese. > > There is nothing worse than boob cheese. It ruins my days, and haunts my > dreams. It stalks me in my nightmares- sneaking up behind me all curdled and > smelling like a septic tank with a yeast infection. It's a known fact that > failing to lift up your titties and clean underneath (especially if they > hang to your knees) will result in the spontaneous formation of boob cheese. > Now before you get all spiritual and assume this is some sort of divine > creation of new life let me assure you that if I didn't was parts of my body > all sorts of little creepy crawlies would grow there too, and I'd have no > part in their creation. > > Now many of you may be wondering why I'm dealing with old lady funbags in > the first place. Well sadly enough a few years ago they decided that > paramedics were intelligent enough to apply a few stickers to a patient's > chest, look at a few wavy lines on an ECG, and determine whether or not > someone was having a heart attack. This would be a good thing, if placing > some of those stickers didn't require diving into the heart of darkness that > is the underside of a 94 year old woman's 37lb breast that you have to start > lifting from below her shin. I kid you not; this woman was scratching her > left nipple with her big toe. > > So there you have it. Rules for not smelling terrible in your old age, and for making the life of your medical care provider that much better. Oh, and really, no matter how bad they smell old ladies are still sweet as can be.

FRIENDS:Will stand guard while u take a piss. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will shine a spotlight on you while your drunk ass is taking a piss in the bushes. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points. FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...that shit was fun " FRIENDS: Cry with you. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: laugh at you FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place. FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team. FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will buck up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out. FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night. FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste. That's alcohol abuse!!!" HAHAHAHA !!!! FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long. FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore". TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will say "okay, just one more..." and then 2 minutes later "okay, just one more!". FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you. TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will knock them the Fuck out!! FRIENDS: Will ignore this TENNESSEE FRIENDS: Will re-post this to ALL of their KICKASS TENNESSEE FRIENDS!!

Safe Cyber Sex: Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc., are out of the room at the time (preferably out of the house, and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present, or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can heard. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer. (It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company.) As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor; there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., "oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though. "Oh baby, you have such a big coke" (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). "That's it, baby, show me that beautiful clint" (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial, "oh, fork me hard!" Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works, and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out." Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyberorgasms, too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or thank you because you truly had a wonderful time.) If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say "HUH? I never got your message." Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.

#1.) *Oh Boy* An old maid was complaining to the police about an obscene phone call. "And for an hour and a half, that terrible man was saying the filthiest things he wanted to do to me... " *----------------------(Plus)------------------------------* R LOL #2.) One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. What the hell?" he said to himself as a lit tle "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Rose," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow." *----------------------(Also)--------------------------* R LOL #3.) Three old women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first one recalled shopping at the grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for 25 cents. The second woman nodded, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a 20 cents a piece. The third woman chimed in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about" =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+(And)+=+=+=+=+=+=+= "At The Hospital" A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, "Oh God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, You could make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen." ~*~*~**~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this. (Especially anyone who has baked for church events.) Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot about it until the last Minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it. While drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But, when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect! Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy this cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother. Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think of her? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. That night Alice was lying awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time there. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a real snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because Alice was a single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa. Having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay away. The meal was elegant; the company was definitely upper crust Old South...To Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw it being brought in. She started out of her chair to rush to the hostess and tell her all about it, but before she could get to her feet the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" "Thank you", said the snobby hostess, "I baked it myself!" Alice sat back and smiled, "GOD IS GOOD". ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom: Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall (because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood." Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim. Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood." Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

Chipmunks Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says "I am going to sit by this tree". Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, "Whatever happens, don't say a single word". So the man sitting by the tree agrees with the other two so they start walking somewhere else to sit. Then just as they were about to sit down, they here the other guy scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree. Confused, the two men said, "Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened." The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, "When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn't scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn't scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pantlegs and said to each other, "Do we eat here or take them to go?" The Sick Skunk A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us and get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs, it's nice and warm there." "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose." December 28th Please read this carefully! I don't want this to happen to you! Don't go to the bathroom on December 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the butt by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business. I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who is a drug dealer who sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked. So it must be true.