Julzzzzz's blog: "my skribblings..."

I cannot believe you hurt me this way

I relive that same pain every single day

I really believed that I would someday be your wife

And now I just relive the empty fact that you are no longer in my life

Daily and nightly many tears flood from my eyes

I feel as though I am drowning in your giant sea of lies

I cannot believe that none of it was real

For if I did, just for one moment, I know with no hesitation that this broken heart has no chance to ever heal

You tell me to believe, you tell me to hope

But when I look around, all I see is an empty noose at the end of a dangling rope

Once upon a time, I thought all my wishes were finally coming true

Yet here I am, lost, blindsided completely out of the blue

I knew your heart. I knew your soul

Or so I once believed, before you tore this gaping heart hole

I want to forgive. I want to not hate

But sometimes I contemplate if it’s just too damn late

I once called you "prince", you once called me "angel"

Yet here I am, desperate to be saved, in a forever long personal hell

I re-live that yesterday, over and over, it continues to hover

But you had already moved on, moved out, and belong to another

I do not regret you; I know I never ever will

But I cannot seem to swallow this jagged little pill

My heart is in pieces, never to heal to its former self

And if I can find a way to ever glue it back together, it will be sitting on a high dusty shelf

I once thought knew you, I was so indescribably sure

Yet here I am, laying wide awake again...without the hope of a cure

The first time I met you, I could not possibly look away

I would’ve done anything for you, for us, but you decided to stray

I still cannot believe that you aren’t here right next to me

All of the pain that I feel, I wish you could just feel and see

I used to be filled with unbridled pride over 'us'

And now what I feel compares to being hit by a bus

Deep down I know the "what, when, how, and why's" probably don't matter

Yet I cannot evade the festering thoughts of the latter

You know me better than anyone else ever could

I let you in freely, no hesitation, when I probably never should

I hope you’re happy, I hope you are well

As I still sit here, in silence, with little resemblance of my former shell

I still reach for you, at night, to feel you next to me

And then I wake up, and realize it was all just a dream

I try to have strength, I try to stand tall

But I’ve been pushed down so far, further than I realized I could ever possibly fall

All those songs have new meaning, they all have new light

I listen to them all, back to back, every single night

I will love you forever, this I know without doubt

I just hope someday I can understand how your decision ever came about