The depth of my grief over loved ones lost this year is deep.  My heart aches & there is no relief.  I see my beautiful niece and my sister trying their best to make their way in this world without my brother in law.  My heart breaks when I hear my sweet niece ask what is the purpose in loving someone or something when they will be gone before you are ready.  I have no words of comfort to offer them.  My heart weeps in agony over the things they are having to learn to do for themselves now.  It seems so unfair, so unjust, that after everything they have been through in their lives, they are left without the husband and father that devoted his life to making their lives wonderful.  My sister counts the days since he passed. My niece declared herself man of the house and has taken it upon herself to attempt to do the repair jobs around the house that her Daddy used to do.  They are getting by day by day.  Watching them as they attempt to live a normal life and set up a normal routine makes me sad and angry.  I am so filled with anger over the fact that they even have to go through this.  An insurance company decided that my brother in law didn't need to have surgery to fix a hole in his heart that was a birth defect.  That birth defect is what caused his death.  In effect, the insurance company killed him by denying the surgery that his doctor and surgeon both said he needed to have.  That insurance company ripped their family apart by denying his surgery.  I am fearful about the future for my niece.  Having lost her father at a time in her life when she needs his guidance.   The next 10 years from 13- 23 are important years in a young girls life.  The time when she needs her father the most is when she grows from child to woman.  

I am tired.  More tired than I have ever been. I have been adrift for months.  The waves crash over me in this stormy sea and most of the time I do not know up from down.  I fight my way back up to catch some air just as another wave crashes.  I am drowning & I know it.  I have long since given up praying for mercy, guidance, and rescue.  Having given up hope that someone up there is rooting for me.  That somone will help me.  I have not completely lost the will to fight but I am tired.  Constantly hammered by wave after wave & storm after storm.  My strength and my will power are fading.  I clutch at the tattered remains of my life vest as I struggle to find the will power to keep me afloat. There is noone looking to rescue me.  As always, I am all alone.  I close my eyes and I start to sink downwards into the dark abyss.  No one is looking for me so why am I hanging on?

I spend too much time lost in my own mind contemplating the meaning behind the actions and words of others. I stay confused and waiting for someone to disabuse me of the notion that between us is no emotion. That when all is said and done nothing is all that we will become. I know that I should not but I can not help but dream. Dream of a life. A love. A home. Dream of truly living instead of just barely getting by. Dream of a day when I will be allowed to be free to spread my wings and fly. Not held down, weighted by the words that dreams are a waste of time. Dreams never do come true. That is what I have been told. You have to find something you can merely be content with while you grow old. Do not sing. Do not dream. No one wants to hear your stories, for better ones have already been written. Do not dress or act or speak this way just trust me and do as I say.

That is not love you feel you are only smitten. He will use you and abuse you. The next one will control you and own you and this one, huh, well he is not good enough for you. Be yourself but only if it complies with the view I have of you in my mind. You are too patient and too kind. You always wear your heart upon your sleeve. Baby that is why they are always in a hurry to leave. Be chaste, be virtuous, practice monogamy, but keep in mind those rules do not apply to me. Tell me all that you think and feel. You can trust me bae, baby, dear I am for real. You talk, you think, you play too much for me. That wasn't part of the deal. I will treat you to silence and leave you wondering what I think and how I feel. Do not put words into my mouth to replace the ones you never hear. My friend I love you much and you must be content with that my dear. Do not move, do not change, stay right there. I draw comfort from knowing that you are near.

You remind me of my ex, the bitch, the slut, the cunt. I'm so sorry I didnt realize that my words were sharp like knives and could cut you deep. Never leave me. I want you to need me but not too much. I need you to be strong enough to care for me when I am unable to do so myself. I can not, I will not, I do not for my own reasons. Things will be better now it was just a rough season. I may not be perfect but I strive to be. Why is it that you must fight me? I only have your best interests at heart. The world is harsh and cruel don't go out there and be a fool. Come here, hide with me. No one can hurt you when hiding in the dark. Oh look she's trying to take a stand. She must be seeing another man.

You are smart and you are witty. Its too bad that you aren't that pretty. Less than average that is what you are and that is what makes you better by far. I've dated women who were too pretty you see, all they ever did was hurt me. You should be grateful I'm not like those other men. I'll never beat you or mistreat you. You never have to worry that I will cheat on you. I'm too lazy, hell, I didn't even have to pursue you. Take care of me now and someday I will remember to take care of you. Don't expect anything of me. You must be content to simply be here with me.

If I had, if I could, you know that I surely would. I can't. My back, I don't feel good. I am sorry that you are feeling sick but could you at least do for me your little trick? I am willing to do anything for you as long as you will listen while I lecture you. I am sorry did I offend? It's just that you are like one of my guy friends. I don't like it when you dress classy. You know I prefer my women a little trashy.

You spend too much time with your friends and family. Do you want our relationship to end? I've told you this a hundred times. Do not get angry or speak your mind. One of these days you will cross the line and I will have to do what I must. I'm afraid my dear you have lost my trust. When I look at you I feel no desire. I'm sorry dear I'm much too tired.

Of all these words I have been forced to hear, none have been to ask me what I truly want. It feels as if I am only here to play a part. I am not asking for a perfect life. I just a man who will hold my hand. A man who will dry my tears and help me to face my fears. One who will not seek to change me to suit him. One who will help me to be comfortable in my own skin. Im not asking to be a wife. I'm just looking for a happy life. Someone who will be proud of me for who and what I am. Someone who will not make me one of many. A man who is not afraid to have me in his life. One who is strong and confident enough to know, no matter where I go, that for me his arms are home. A man that does not depend on me to be his soul source of happiness. A man who will allow me to use my voice. A man who will respect me and that I can respect in turn. What I really want is a man like my Grandfather who loved my Grandmother with a whole hearted devotion. Who will love me without fear of the emotion?

The Willow Tree and Me

By Rachel L.

I am strong like the willow tree. I will bend but I will not break. You can come to me for shelter and peace. I will stand strong. I will stand proud. I will strive to do so gracefully. My arms are here to hold you close when you need to escape the world. I have known my share of heartache and always have a ready ear. When you find yourself needing comfort you can find it here with me. I can dance in the wind and the rain. My roots go deep. I am constantly growing and renewing. I am bound to this world by life and by death. I see the pain mankind inflicts upon each other and it causes me to weep. You can take parts of me and use them and they will bend to your will but you cannot break me. I may not stand tall, I have a lot of things that weigh me down, but I stand all the same. I am a weeping willow tree. The spirit of nature lives within me.