you know, they say that waiting is the hardest part of moving on. i'm not really sure who exactly said that but i want to smack the shit out of them. it seems i've been waiting all my life for something that will never get here. i know this is only fubar and we're all here to have a good time but i'm on here now and i need to write so bare with me.
i've had a reasonably good life since being on my own since 18. i've never been to jail, i don't do drugs, i put myself through college and i have a good job because of it and managed to make a handful of good friends over the years. to most people, that is success in and of itself. but life has always had a sense of humor (albeit sometimes a little morbid) about my relationships.
trust me, i won't put you through each and everyone of my failed love stories but a few of them truly do belong up there in the Hall of Fame. probably the worst one was when i was with Paul (those of you who really know me i'm guessing are having a good laugh at what i just said).
Paul and i we're together for 2 years, the first year was just as it should have been....hectic and full of sex. it was a few months into the 2nd year that things began to spiral out of control. see, Paul had a drinking problem...actually he didn't have a problem so much as he was really REALLY good at it. and the worst part of it was that he was good at hiding it until i finally caught him piss drunk outside our door with the front door key on his face. yes, i said on his face.
but me being the way that i am, decided to stick with him because i was going to help him. i wasn't just going to abandon him to fight his demons alone. that day i found him laying outside was the day everything changed. he no longer felt he had to hide his addiction from me which made it even more real for me.
i had never gone through something like this, my family was pretty straight-laced, blue collared hard working citizens. "AA" for me meant a battery so dealing with this disease was going to be a challenge for me. i did everything in my power to help him but the bottle got the better of him.
see, we went our separate ways after he checked himself into rehab for the 3rd time. he said he wasn't good enough for me and that he wanted me to move on. i still don't think i really have moved on from that experience because of what happened to Paul.
the reason i say that is because after i found out that he had been sneaking around getting loaded, i made him the promise that if he ever started to drink and couldn't hold back that he was to call me and i would go get him. no matter where, no matter what time of the day it was, i was going to be there for him.
that being said, a year after we had split he fell off the wagon again. this time no one was there to "catch" him. a mutual friend of ours called me to tell me the news that he had been in a car accident and passed away due to being drunk behind the wheel. my heart still holds a lot of guilt because of that.
because of that story, it brings me to my current realization....being used. seems that a lot of stuff in my life has not been to my benefit. more like my loss than anything: time, money, patience and self worth. i try to bring positive people into my life but every once in a while one of those lil bastards sneaks in there and decides to play on my weaknesses.
i can't get into every detail of what i mean because i might as well start writing my autobiography. but just know that it isn't narrowed down to one specific event or person rather just the last 9 months in general. everything from almost loosing my life due to an unforeseen health complication and then having my most recent boyfriend leave because that was "just too real" for him to handle. to my job where i am constantly going above and beyond what is asked of me and getting no recognition or gratitude from it.
i'm just tired of being used...at least put a lil something back in. it often makes me wonder why i work so hard at stuff in the first place? i just really wish that if i am ever on the other end of a bad situation that there is someone out there that is willing to....
well this is a good place to stop for now, after all it is 3:15am and i have to be up in a few hours. feel free to comment, please no bashing but i'll expect the worse.
gn
