tayled's blog: "Views From a Scattered Mind"

i went in today to have a consult with the surgeon that will be doing the biopsy. i got back from the Docs a bit ago. i go in to have the biopsy on the 4th. on the 20th i go in to have the port a cath that they put in my chest to receive the chemo meds through, to have it flushed as it needs to be done on a periodic basis. i was able to see the pet scan.. the cancer is in my neck, my chest(not my lungs) two spots in my abdomen and in my groin.. theah is a spot in my back as well. This is not as bad as the first time. The spots are much smaller. The reason for the biopsy is that my Onc Doc says that this particular type of cancer doesn't go into the lymph nodes of the torso... the surgeon says that it will show up theah as it has metastasized(stage 4 cancer)and it he believes it will still show up as squamous cell cancer. shrugs
i had some trouble to day at the docs. i called ahead of time to get directions to wheah the appt was(to make sure i had the right building) and the dude told me to go to the main building and ask for directions from the information desk.. asshole... i did that and no one was at the information desk when i got theah, when she did show up she didn't know her ass from a hot rock and sent me in the wrong direction... i finally reached the right place saw the surgeon had to go up to surgery to set things up and when i asked for directions again he kept pointing to the papah and saying you go theah... i was so confused, it seems to be happening to me more and more lately. i wish i had someone i could take with me but theah is no parking neah the hospital, my room mate can't go in with me cus he can't walk that much. i don't really know that many people neah wheah i live. It was so frustrating for me all i managed to do was walk around in a daze crying.

tay

04/06/10

I want to get back to writing and I think this is the best way to start. Getting back to writing my journals/blogs. The weathah has been off lately… off = not sunny. Today the weathah is bettah in being sunny but still a bit chilly. I listened to the rain last night… a sound I love along with the sound of a train in the distance… So much going through my head lately… wheah do I want my life to go from heah. The cancer is back but I am relieved that going through the chemo isn’t neah as bad as I thought it would be so my quality of life is really pretty good. I loose my hair and I sleep a lot but I do ok. Need to keep up with my stretches and exercises so I can get back to things quicker once the chemo stops. I have the option right now of going to be with a couple but I can’t really do anything theah until this round of chemo is done... I don’t want to change horses in the middle of the stream… lol So much to think about I have to make some calls this week to the inhumane services to see about getting put on food stamps, to get a bus pass and to qualify for section 8 housing.  I am taking all this really well this time… the return of the cancer… at first I felt like I was deciding between living and dieing but I can do nothing more then LIVE to die would be to give up and I won’t/can’t do that. I know things will work out.

I have been toying with a story in my head… funny how most of them seem to stem from kidnapping and rape… sometimes I feel like I am a bit obsessed with it… I know the reality of it is much harder then the fantasy of it… oh to have a bit of both worlds. To be kidnapped and know that you will not be hurt/damaged/harmed in any way though pain and suffering will also be a part of it… so many facets of a single idea. Guess I need to think more about it… lol fantasize about it more… lol

I have anothah fascination with motorcycle clubs/groups… one day I will get to at least party with some… lol hmmm is this one of those things wheah I need to be careful what I wish for??? LOL

 04/07/10

I went for a walk today… I like to walk up to folsom wheah the light rail comes in and the Mathah Field Road comes in… theah is a bunch up theah I like to sit and watch the cars, the people, and especially the motorcycles. Grins

The birds are all out singing and cheeping, theah are flowahs in the cracks of the sidewalks even, the trees are all budded out if they don’t have leaves… sighs I love this time of yeah. I keep hoping I will get a chance to party with some bikahs… my room mate keeps telling me it is dangerous… I might get hurt.. you know hang gliding is dangerous too…. So is going for a walk in the city… I don’t want to stop myself from doing anything just because I might get hurt.. sighs I wouldn’t be in the lifestyle I am in if I was all the worried about that.. lol Ok a walk and now a nap.. I am tired.