I suck at life but im wicked cool wifey ...'s blog: "um yeah"

My eyes bleed from her beauty, yet the pain is not enough to make me look away. After all these years of wondering, will my princess be the one that stays? My heart is locked up for protection, all because the many years of neglection. Pain flows thru me like the endless night, yet my dark princess has shed some light. What happens when dark worlds collide? One never knows if the pain will subside. And though I'm not ready to give away the key, It's dangling on a hook for all to see. She rules with a dark embrace, Still I wonder if she will vanish without a trace. I am at her beck'n call, Still leery that I may fall. Her kingdom is endless like the sea, Will she know when to be my security blanket or when to uncover me? The jester I could be, For her entertainment when she's in the mood for laughter and glee. My Dark Princess, I bow before you on a humbled knee, To show you I need you wickedly.

I am a beautiful disaster. I am a wonderful chaotic ball of nothingness. I am a breathtaking mistake that you will surely regret. I am a soulful heartless bitch who takes pride in others pain. I am the useless reminiscence that haunts your nightly thoughts. I am so far from emotional attachment that I’ve become numb. I am longing for the one who doesn’t exist. I am happily miserable. I am jovially dismal. I am filled with emptiness, yet I have everything to give. I am an attractive calamity. I am a beautiful disaster, therefore, no one will have me.

ass hat- n. when someone has their own head so far up their ass they are wearing it as a hat.

Sometimes you just have to use someone's words to describe how you feel........ Black then white are all i see in my infancy. red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me. lets me see. as below, so above and beyond, I imagine drawn beyond the lines of reason. Push the envelope. Watch it bend. Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind. Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines. Black then white are all i see in my infancy. red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me. lets me see there is so much more and beckons me to look thru to these infinite possibilities. as below, so above and beyond, I imagine drawn outside the lines of reason. Push the envelope. Watch it bend. over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind. Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind. Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line. Reaching out to embrace the random. Reaching out to embrace whatever may come. I embrace my desire to I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow to feel inspired to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral to swing on the spiral to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human. With my feet upon the ground I move myeslf between the sounds and open wide to suck it in. I feel it move across my skin. I'm reaching up and reaching out. I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me. what ever will bewilder me. And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been. We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been. Spiral out. Keep going. Spiral out. Keep going. Spiral out. Keep going. Spiral out. Keep going. Spiral out. Keep going.

I sit in wonder. Why does everyone make life more difficult than it has to be? Should I explain? Probably not, but alas I must. People always need the forever ongoing reassurance that their life is as bad as they make it out to be. Yeah I typed that right. Reread that sentence again if you must. Its sad but true. I know this cause at one point in my life I could have been one of those people. Not really sure and no one ever really told me about myself, like I do for so many people. LMAO Anyway, people who always seek approval to be upset over their small meaningless problems. Talking to people that never listened, and I realized that they just waited for their turn to speak, so they could they me about their problems. Now I no longer wait for my turn. I am going to speak outta motherfucking turn. Stop your fucking whinning!!! Return to reality. Who's reality you ask? The reality that is in the world around them. Am I suggesting to rest the world's problems on your own shoulders? No, not at all. Just fucking pay attention to not only your surroundings, but things far from you. Then slowly as your selfishness fades you will see that your problems mean shit compared to others. Why care about others problems? Good question. Why in the fuck should we care about yours? Not worry per say, just comes to terms that ppl do have it far worst than you so quit your fucking bitching and moaning. Ppl seek attention and empathy far too much. The ones starving or sick deal with serious problems and hardly ever complain. They only hope for help and hold their arms open wide at the sight of it. They don't want you to feel sorry for them. I am drowning in my hatred for ppl that piss and moan about stupid mother fucking shit. Goddamn, get the fuck over yourself. You didn't get what you want, get over it. Your love one left you get over it. Self pity should only truely be given by ONESELF. Quit looking to me for it. Stop crying and become pro-active. Stop looking to me for sympathy cause guess what...you aren't fucking getting it from me. (Wipes forehead) Goddamn I feel better. :) (For no one really just bitching about the stupid ppl in the world)

So if you saw the pic and came to see what this is all about... This necklace that I WORE is the wheel of fortune. It represents the constistincy of change. To indulge a little further, it means that nothing in this life is for sure, except that of change. Well just now at 10:31, this symbol I have wore for a year decided that I have changed enough and fell off. It is almost a year to the freaking date that my ex and I went our seperate ways. I guess I didn't notice how much I have changed over this last year until this moment. The is no clasp on this charm it literally wore thru the thick circle of metal. Wow at this moment I can't really describe how I feel except for happy surrounded by sadness. This feeling has my hands shaking because I am unaware of the lack of uncertainity that lies ahead for me. To sum it up...I have come full circle. (Sighs)

I step out of the car at my secret place. The sweet scent of earth is at hand. I love it here. There is something pure that exists here. As I journey towards the path, the warmness of serenity overcomes me. The trees are have not yet come alive this season, yet they are still so beautiful. Bare like my soul, but there still for all to see. I reach the path, I sigh. This is the only path in my life that I truely know where the outcome lies. I venture down the leaf covered trail, listening to the stream that follows me to my right. The scenery is too great for words and the best is yet to come. After a few miles deep into the forest, I reach my destination. There before me stands a 6 story waterfall. It waits to be discovered everytime. As I look to the sky, I can see only the top of the waterfall. In this moment, all is certain. All is obtainable. Clarity is bliss. All my woes and worries are carried away by the wind from this place. The smell of fresh spring water is sweet. Water, the stable of life, waits before me to give thanks. I reach down and cup a handful and quinch my thrist. My mouth is not dry, my thrist is for knowledge is satisfied. This place is the gateway for my dreams, and today my dreams were made. Nature has a way of putting things in perspective. Nothing else matters when you are there. Thank you goddess for letting me be a part of something so grand. As I turn to leave, a bird lands on a log that lies across the bottom of the fall. It looks at me as though to give thanks for me enjoying its home. I smile at him, and give a short whistle. He responds and it brings a tear to me eye. The chills race down my spine and my toes and fingers begin to tingle. He has filled my empty heart with a sense of hope. He flies away and I head back down the path. As I once again reach the beginning of the trees, I stop and turn. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, even if I can't yet understand it. I will miss you, my secret place. :)

A whisper from the wind calls to me. It carries my name throughtout time, space, and darkness. The words, though unclear, reach deep within my soul where only you can go. The tears form and blink slowly from my eyes. Why can only you do this to me? As I teeter on the line of hating you, the utter mention of your name reminds me of a different place. A place I once was, if only for a short time. Sadness consumes me and my thoughts. As I slip further from the fakeness of this world, I remember the something I once was. Can you still see me? The dark shrouds me like a blanket that I wish never to be uncovered from. The safety of becoming numb has protected me thus far. But still I hear a whisper. If it is only but a whisper, why does it bellow out for only me to hear? The pain is an illusion, one that only I can see, hear, and smell. The sense of being able to feel has left me. The sense of tasting you would be too sweet for me to handle. Damn the whisper, it haunts me. I long not to be able to hear its muttered words. Clarity it seems, is a cruel irony. If only my tears would drown me...then I could not hear it, even if it is only but a whipser.

I awake in the darkness. The sound of silence is deafening. I walk blindly thru my thoughts of you. I want you to be there. With my outstretched hand, I fumble for you. If you can see me, I beg of you to touch me. I beg of you to share your light. I have forced my light away from you, with the sickness that surrounds my heart. Darkness, is now the only comfort that I have. Darkness is the only way to make sure you have not gone completely away. If I can not see, then all I can do is feel. I want to feel you take over me, caress me, and comfort me. I want you to shield me from the pains in this world. The pains I can not see in my darkness. If you decide to shed your light on me, be fore warned. My eyes are sensitive. I will beg of you to take me back, back into the nothingness that I know. Bring me to life slowly, for without the threat of death I feel nothing. Darkness equals comfort and light equals uncharted boundaries. Be gentle and uncover your light slowly. Darkness is all I have, prove to me that your light is worthy of unleashing myself into your world. I will stand in the shadows until then. Waiting, watching blindly into the night, seeing only the dark figures dance that I have created.

So once again my goddess has embarked me on a path of confusion. LMAO, what else is new!?!? One day, I will look back on these questions I have had in life and suddenly they will all make sense. Everything happens for a reason, and whenever that reason becomes clear to me, I do believe that I would have lived a full life. Life can be disappointing at times, but you have to realize whatever it was that you thought was going to make you happy, obviously wasn't meant to be if you are now disappointed by it. Chalk it up as a life experience and move on. Um no use in crying over spilled perfume. If things are truely meant to be, then they will happen. Maybe the whole situation I thought about, I thought about it out of context. LOL, it happens. My path has been reset, back to where originally I thought I was headed. I got a little sidetracked, but have picked up the pace, once again. The walls to that part of my heart have been replaced. Lucky, my path ended before the walls were completely down. To rebuild them so quickly after they were long gone, would have made them go even higher up this time. So at least the foundation was still there. Thank you goddess for letting the pain be brief and easily forgotten. You have helped me realize that I was on the right path all along and this short path that ended was a test to see if I was missing anything out of my life. I wasn't...so sincerely I thank you for letting me know that it wasn't meant to be. :) Test passed!!