Congrats, you've stumbled upon another rare blog moment from me, and I'm sorry my blogs are usually very emo sounding but honestly the only time I write this shit is when I'm depressed or drunk. I've noticed my depression bouts are getting worse, happening more frequently and lasting longer lately, though my friends don't know cuz I don't let them know but I'm sure they've noticed that I haven't been around them lately. I never let them fully see this side of me, the side that can't sleep at night cuz if I do my thoughts will tear me apart, so I stay awake and try to drown out my thoughts by doing whatever I can to keep myself occupied til I pass out with no threat of my thoughts catching up to me.
I'm always up all night but that's normal for me, but the past few days it's been taking my longer and longer to finally pass out. I'm running out of things to keep my mind busy but it's getting harder and harder not to shift to those thoughts I don't want to deal with. I keep wishing something or someone would find me in these early lonely hours and drag me back to my senses. But for now there's nothing, no one. So I'm left here to sift thru the darkness til I'm able to find the light again.
I just want to sleep, to be free of this added stress (which I'm not gonna go into)that's piling up around me and these thoughts that keep chasing me. I wish they'ed go away if only for a moment, I just want some kind of break before I crack down at lose it. I feel like I'm going crazy lately the simplest tasks that should be easy I'm finding diffacult and plagued with self doubt. I wonder if it's all in my head.
People have been giving me so many compliments lately but my stupid self hate won't let me buy into them. I often wonder if they're just lying or humoring me, or maybe they assume I'm something I'm not. But I also wonder.... if they really do mean what they say, if they're being truely genuine..... then why can't I see it or beleive it. Is it all just in my head? I stil don't know but I hope to find the answer soon.
I don't know where I'm going with this but I guess it's just another way to keep me occupied for a few moments more of peace. But damnit I stil can't sleep. I'm so lost, I hope I can find myself soon. Until then I'll keep putting on my happy face around my friends and hiding this side of me, they don't need to see it. I've never been one to spill out my problems and drag down everyone else around me like some stupid emo kid. I deal with my shit on my own. I guess I just need to vent right now to people who don't know me. I guess in some small way it's helps for now. Well tah until next time, for now I'm off to do the next thing that will keep my mind busy.
