Nickki Hates Your Face's blog: "Bah"

There was a time long ago when I did actually like fubar, but since the coming of all the fuckin' drama and stupid shit like that emo Fu-marriage BS I've since stopped using this site, this is the first time I've even bee on here in months cuz everytime I tried to log on annoying people would (go figure) try to annoy me.

So while I'm not going to fully delete my profile I may take down my naughy pics as this site is no longer any use to me. If this bumms you out or twould still want to view my pics including new ones I can be found on these sites.

I'm on this one more often:

http://www.fetlife.com/ my name there is NickkiH8sYourFace if you do a search on the site you'll find me.

I'm also on this one:

http://www.xpeeps.com/ name there is Nickki Hates Your Face ,as above do a search on the site

Well g'bye fubar I shall keep you for my stash but other that I'm out bitches!

Well sunday the 29th is my 24th b-day and I'm doing absolutely nothing which isn't new I'm use to it. OH but year's gonna be different! This year Draven and I get to be kicked out of the place we're staying 3 days after my b-day all thanks to my grandma who I always *thought* loved me and her crack head loser husband! Let me give you the run down: We've been living with my grandma since april 2nd and planned to stay til I got a job and could afford to move out. Early on we were getting along with granny's crack head hubby, then go figure he smokes crack and goes crazy and thinks everyones out to get him. Then my mom also moves in for while, by this time crack head hubby is always gone pretty much all the time so it's been nice but sometime in late may at 11:00PM! Cracky McRockBreath comes in the house waking everyone up cuz there's some dirty dishes in the sink(which had just gotten dirty but he wouldn't know that cuz he's out smoking crack) So he goes ballistic and wakes everyone up yelling and shit which is fucked cuz both my mom and Draven have to work soon. So Draven's pissed but goes out there to try and talk to him calmly. Long story short mom and grandpa Cracky get into this scream fest and 9 calls were made to police who by that time were standing outside hearing every word of their spat. So he gets hauled off (woo-hooo!!!!) cuz he had a parole violation and the rest of us get on with our lives er so I thought. Not even 2 weeks ago my grandma just drops this on everyone: Crack feind is getting out of jail the 3rd of july and he wants everyone but grandma out of the house! Why you ask? Cuz we gave info to the cops the night he was hauled off. And grandma won't do anything cuz they wish to have a marrage where the husband has final say on everything, and Granny being the spineless lump of flesh that she's become ever since this Crack faggot has entered her life, won't do a god damned thing. In fact I think she's backing him up cuz she said to us: Well people shouldn't have gave the cops info. WTF!? OH I SOOOOOOO FUCKING SORRY THAT I WON'T LIE TO THE COPS FOR THAT CRACKHOLE!!!!(that's an asshole on crack) He takes her money he takes her meds sells 'em for crack and leaves her with nothing it's an on going cycle and she still loves him for why I will never know. And on top of that Draven won't even be here for my B-day cuz he's wrestling in California which I'm happy for him, but yeah it still sucks. So grandma thanks for ruining our close relationship and my B-day I hope it was worth it, you know I would have done anything for you. I guess that's why it hurts so much. And that's only the tip of the iceberg There's lots of fucked up happenings going on but that's all I feel like sharing for now. Well I'm gonna go, smoke a bowl and see what else this crazy world will throw at me, maybe it''l suprise me cuz at this point I've seen it all. Tah ~Nickki

Fuck I thought being homeless sucked but ever since Draven and I have been staying with our supposed friends (who by the way told "us" to move in with them, we never asked) they've been being colder and colder to us. It's like we aren't even people to them they don't even treat us like we're actually there. And we have no where else to go cuz trust me if we did we would but right now we can't afford to get our own place yet. I hate it here they make me feel worthless and like i'm an idiot. And now it's like they're purposely trying to make us feel inferior trying to make us hate it here so much that we'd move out. TRUST ME I FUCKING WOULD!!!! I want to oh god how I want to. I can't stand to stay here anymore with these people they're are so negative. I keep crying at night, I don't even know what we did to deserve this kind of hatred towards us and especially from people who we thoght were our friends. They're sucking out my soul I hope another alternative opens up cuz I truely believe.... this is hell.

It has become all too clear to me that some of the people I thought were my friends were actually just using me to get shit they wanted. Whether it be art crap I make, pics or whatever, the point is: the moment I was unable to do something for them despite how much I thought I helped them out in the past, they'd just bounce out on me. It sux cuz I actually enjoyed talking to them. I mean whatever I'm use to it but it's still gay. When they got depressed I'd do whatever I could to cheer them up, I thought nothing of it cuz if it's in my power to help people than I will. But the moment I got depressed and needed someone's help to pull me out of it, they had better things to do and acted like I never existed. All I wanted was someone to talk to while I was alone in darkness being torn apart by my thoughts. I guess I didn't need them to help me, but it would have meant the wolrd to me if they did. The sad thing is I'd still give them by help if they needed it. I care too much and the world will never understand me for that. So to all my friends who are friends with me cuz they want to be, I thank you for that. And to those who wanted something in return for being my friend.... you can all eat a bowl of refried dicks!!!! If you want something from me you're gonna have to show me some fuckin' respect cuz I don't owe you anything, and I am not the fool everyone expects to play me for.

In a few days I will be going away for awhile, I don't really know where I'll be going or if I'll even have the internet when I get there. I'm not going to go into details right now although a few of you already know the situation. I guess I'm writting this so I can say goodbye and let people know what's going on incase I don't get another chance. I truely hope that this will be a temporary situation and that I'll be able to get back to my normal life again soon but for now it doesn't look so good and unfortunetly I do not know what will happen. So to my friends goodbye for now and I hope I can be back again soon. ~Nickki

God i'm so bored and fuckin horny right now! Argh! lol Oh well good night all, I guess i'm gonna go to bed and dream about hot fat guys like I usually do *wink wink* lol. Tah for now lol.

Youse guys are all gay and emo lol, peace bitches! I'm out. I'll be back when y'all stop being so emo lol seriously all you princesses need to just pull your fuckin' panties up and buck up lol. Tah for now emos! Ya ain't gonna drag down my day lol *skips off whistling and smiling while giving ya'll the finger*

Congrats, you've stumbled upon another rare blog moment from me, and I'm sorry my blogs are usually very emo sounding but honestly the only time I write this shit is when I'm depressed or drunk. I've noticed my depression bouts are getting worse, happening more frequently and lasting longer lately, though my friends don't know cuz I don't let them know but I'm sure they've noticed that I haven't been around them lately. I never let them fully see this side of me, the side that can't sleep at night cuz if I do my thoughts will tear me apart, so I stay awake and try to drown out my thoughts by doing whatever I can to keep myself occupied til I pass out with no threat of my thoughts catching up to me. I'm always up all night but that's normal for me, but the past few days it's been taking my longer and longer to finally pass out. I'm running out of things to keep my mind busy but it's getting harder and harder not to shift to those thoughts I don't want to deal with. I keep wishing something or someone would find me in these early lonely hours and drag me back to my senses. But for now there's nothing, no one. So I'm left here to sift thru the darkness til I'm able to find the light again. I just want to sleep, to be free of this added stress (which I'm not gonna go into)that's piling up around me and these thoughts that keep chasing me. I wish they'ed go away if only for a moment, I just want some kind of break before I crack down at lose it. I feel like I'm going crazy lately the simplest tasks that should be easy I'm finding diffacult and plagued with self doubt. I wonder if it's all in my head. People have been giving me so many compliments lately but my stupid self hate won't let me buy into them. I often wonder if they're just lying or humoring me, or maybe they assume I'm something I'm not. But I also wonder.... if they really do mean what they say, if they're being truely genuine..... then why can't I see it or beleive it. Is it all just in my head? I stil don't know but I hope to find the answer soon. I don't know where I'm going with this but I guess it's just another way to keep me occupied for a few moments more of peace. But damnit I stil can't sleep. I'm so lost, I hope I can find myself soon. Until then I'll keep putting on my happy face around my friends and hiding this side of me, they don't need to see it. I've never been one to spill out my problems and drag down everyone else around me like some stupid emo kid. I deal with my shit on my own. I guess I just need to vent right now to people who don't know me. I guess in some small way it's helps for now. Well tah until next time, for now I'm off to do the next thing that will keep my mind busy.

These past few days really have been some of the worst days for me in recent time. Just one piece of bad news after the other again and again, and I know how Emo this sounds but atleast for right now it feels like life has no intention of throwing me anything good my way. I really hope that all of this is happening for a good reason cuz if it isn't, then I truly am in for a rough ride in the weeks to come. And on top of all this crappyness, I can feel that a great period of depression might be sneaking up on me. My family has a history of being Bipolar, and luckily I only have a mild case of it (unlike my mom) I don't have dramatic highs and lows but every few months I tend to sink into a deep depression and this one just came at a bad time. It's probably half shitty circumstances and half self doubt and I just hope it doesn't get the best of me. I have been doubting myself lately, and with all this added shit that's been flung my way I just know it's gonna get worse. Also I'm having trouble sleeping which is probably why I'm writing this cuz god knows I'm not a blog person. I don't really know where I was planning on going with this but maybe I'm just killing time and trying not to let my thoughts fuck with my head and let my depression drag me down. But in the end I still can't sleep, and only time will get me thru this.