Gizmo's blog: "Trucking"

"ROOSTER CRUZIN CASKET"

I was running across I-40 a few years ago when I came up on one of those "Casket Haulers" out of Batesville Arkansas. We got to talking and he was telling me about all these new "Customized Caskets" you can buy now to be burried in and thats when I started thinking.

I then came up with the idea of the perfect "Rooster Cruzin Casket".

It's a "CHROME CASKET" that comes with "Dollies" under the front equiped with 8 small Go-Cart tires for the tandems to give it that trailer effect. The Funeral will be held at night because it comes with LED lights on the sides all the way around at the top and the bottom. It also comes with a set of "LED Break Lights" on the rear that remain on. It has a small lighted license plate that says "I'm Back-Out"!. It also comes with a "CHROME" Road King or Astatic Mic ( your choice ) that goes in one hand and "CHROME" Cell Phone for the other.

There are three super charged 12 volt batteries that go down in the corner of the vault ( sitting on a 3/4 inch piece of plywood of to keep the batteries form being drained ).

There are also LED lights on the top of the casket that are flashing when they are lowering it down in the vault that keep flashing "I APPRICATE IT"--"I APPRICATE IT"--"I APPRICATE IT" . The Casket also comes with a little slot that is on top of the lid down by your feet. This is for all the people who still owe you money so they will have one last chance to make things right and get even with you. There is also a small sign there that says "NO CHECKS PLEASE"! After a few weeks when the batteries loose their charge, "The Ride Is Finally Over".

This way a Driver can actually "Live The Life" a few final weeks "In Peace".

On the "Head Stone" it has LED Lights that say

"OUT OF HOURS & OUT OF SERVICE"!

''BUSINESS CARDS"

Years ago when I was living in my Truck there was always somebody walking up to my Truck with something to sale. Well I ended up having these Business Cards made up that I would hand out. I had a stack of them that I kept up there on the dash and when somebody would walk up to my Truck I would roll my window down, hand them one of my cards, and then roll my window back up.

The Card Read;

"A CARD JUST FOR YOU"


( on the other side it said )

NO, I dont want to buy any "Fake Jewelry".

NO, I dont need my "Wheels & Tanks Shinned

NO, I dont have any ''Spare Change"

NO, I dont want to buy any ''Commercial Company''.

and NO, you can't use my ''Damm Radio''.

Today I would have to add one more to the card.

NO, I don't want "Idle Air".

"LUMPERS"

Years ago I was Drivin' for this company out of Indy and I was up there in Syracuse NY picking up "1638 Cases Of Cookies" going to Bruno's Warehouse down there in Birmingham. It was one of those "Hot Loads" had to be there so I ran straight through and made my 2:00 AM appointment. I bumped the dock, went in and gave them my paperwork and was fixin' to go back out to the truck and go to bed when they told me that I was going to have to unload my trailer. I told them I was not going to unload my trailer and that I had just ran over 1,000 miles straight through just to get them their "Hot Load".

They then told me about their "In-House Lumper Service" that they would unload the trailer. So I had their "In-House Lumper Service" come and check out my load and they said they would unload the "1638 Cases Of Cookies" off the floor for $175.00. So I called the office and the office said they would only pay $80.00 for a Lumper. Receiving then tells me about this little building outside the gate that is an "Out-House Lumper Service" and it would be cheaper if I can get a Lumper from out there. So, I go out there and the cheapest I could find anyone to do the job was $110.00.

By this time I was tired of messing with it. I went right back to receiving, told them to give me back my paperwork and "Release Me From Your Dock". They asked me where I was going. I said I was going back to the Truck Stop over there on Finly Street. I told them I had just got fuel over there about 20 minutes ago and this gal jumped up on the side of my truck and she said,

"She Would Do Anything For $40.00"

I'll Be Right Back!

"FINDING A PLACE TO PARK".

THE NEXT TIME YOU DRIVERS PULL INTO A TRUCK STOP LATE AT NIGHT AND YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A PARKING SPOT THERE ARE A FEW THINGS YOU CAN DO.

1. GET ON THE RADIO AND SAY THAT YOU JUST DROPPED THIS LITTLE BLOND OFF AND SHE IS STANDING ON THE ON RAMP. TELL THEM SHE IS NOT FAMILAR WITH THE TRUCKS AND SHE DON'T LIKE TO TALK ON THE RADIO. IF A DRIVER COMES BACK AND SAYS HE JUST WENT BY THERE AND DIDN'T SEE HER. JUST SAY WHEN YOU DROPPED HER OFF SHE WAS HEADED FOR THE TREES TO USE THE RESTROOM.

2. JUST PULL YOUR TRUCK UP ON THE LAST FUEL ISLAND, POP YOUR HOOD, GO INSIDE AND TELL THEM YOUR SPLITTER BROKE ON YOUR TRANSMISSION AND THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY CALLED THE OFFICE BUT THEY SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT 3 OR 4 HOURS UNTIL THE MECHANIC GETS THERE. "NO PROBLEM"!
YOU JUST GO BACK TO YOUR TRUCK AND GO TO BED. WHEN YOU WAKE UP, JUST GET OUT AND CLOSE YOUR HOOD AND THEN DRIVE OFF. THEY ARE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU LEAVE. ONE TIME AT THE PETRO IN KINGMAN THEY LET ME SLEEP 8 HOURS BEFORE THEY EVEN CAME TO THE TRUCK AND WOKE ME UP. I WAS SURE GLAD THEY FINALLY WOKE ME UP BECAUSE I NEEDED TO GET GOING.

3. IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE THERE VERY LONG YOU CAN JUST PULL UP ON ONE OF THE MANY "DISABLE PARKING SPOTS". WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE TRUCK, JUST "LIMP" INTO THE TRUCK STOP AND NOBODY WILL SAY ANYTHING. I USE TO CARRY A "CANE" WITH ME. DON'T FEEL BAD EIGTHER BECAUSE A LOT OF THESE TRUCK STOPS HAVE 5 OR 6 "DISABLE PARKING SPOTS" AND HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MORE THAN 1 OR 2 ( AT THE MOST ) DISABLE DRIVERS PARKING THERE AT THE SAME TIME. IT JUST DON'T HAPPEN.

4. IF YOU WORK A LOT AROUND THE MID WEST DO THIS. YOU KNOW HOW ALL THESE DRIVERS PUT THEM "TRAIN HORNS" ON THEIR TRUCKS. WELL I LIVE IN OKLAHOMA AND I PUT ME A "TORNADO SIREN" ON MY TRUCK. WHEN I PULL INTO A TRUCK STOP IN THE EVENING AND KICK THAT "TORNADO SIREN" ON, I GET A FRONT ROW PARKING SPOT EVERY TIME.

A FEW YEARS AGO I PULLED INTO THE PETRO IN KNOXVILLE AND I HAD JUST LEFT THE FUEL ISLAND WHEN THIS DRIVER CAME OVER THE RADIO AND SAID THEY WERE CHECKING PAPERWORK UP ON TOP THE HILL. WELL IT WAS ABOUT 2:30 IN THE MORNING SO I DROVE AROUND BEHIND THE "IDLE AIR" ON THE BACK ROW AND I WAS LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO PARK TO DO SOME PAPERWORK REAL QUICK. I ENDED UP PULLING ALONG SIDE THE CURB BESIDE THE ENTRANCE TO "BLUE BEACONS" DRIVEWAY. THERE WERE A FEW TRUCKS IN LINE TO GET THEIR TRUCKS WASHED AND WHILE I WAS SITTIN' THERE DOING MY PAPERWORK THESE DRIVERS WOULD PULL UP THERE AND SAY,

"HOW ABOUT THAT BLACK PETE"!
"ARE YOU IN LINE TO GET YOUR TRUCK WASHED"?

I'D SAY, "YES I AM DRIVER BUT I CAN SAVE YOU SOME TIME IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A COUPLE DOLLARS I'LL LET YOU GO IN FRONT OF ME".

I MADE $16.00 JUST SITTIN' THERE DOING MY PAPERWORK!

"RACE ACROSS ARIZONA"

I WENT BACK OUT ON THE ROAD FOR AWHILE BACK IN 2004 RUNNING MILITARY LOADS FOR "ALAN FARMER" OUT OF TUSCALOOSA ALABAMA. I WAS PULLING AN "RGN" TRAILER AND FOR YOU DRIVERS THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS IT MEANS "REMOVABLE GOOSE NECK". IT'S WHAT A LOT OF YOU DRIVERS CALL A DOUBLE DROP. THIS TRAILER RIDES ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND. I HAD LOADED AT "MARINE CORP LOGISTICS" THERE IN BARSTOW OFF DAGGETT ROAD AND WAS GOING TO CHARLESTON SC. I LOADED 12 CRATES THAT WEIGHED ONLY 1,030 LBS. EACH THAT WERE "BIG ARMY TENTS" GOING TO "OUR TROOPS" IN IRAQ.

MY LOAD WAS A LITTLE OVER 12,000 LBS. AND WAS SITTIN' LOW TO THE GROUND. I WAS IN A 379 PETE ( THE ONE ON THE FRONT OF "THE REALITY OF TRUCKIN' CD" ) IT HAD A 550 CAT, 18 OVER AND I WAS CLIMBING THAT LITTLE HILL OVER THERE IN ARIZONA AROUND THE 46 YARD STICK RIGHT BEFORE YOU GET INTO KINGMAN. I WAS JUST CRUSIN ALONG AND WAS ON THE PHONE TALKING TO "DOLLAR" AN OLD COW HAULER FROM HEREFORD TEXAS WHEN ALL THE SUDDEN THIS "BIG PRETTY CHICKEN TRUCK" CAME CRUSIN BY ME. WELL AFTER HE MOVED BACK OVER IN LINE AND WE BOTH CLEARED THE TOP OF THE HILL WE WERE COMING UP ON THE "TA" THERE AT EXIT 48, WHEN THAT DRIVER GOT ON THE RADIO AND SAID;

"ANY OF YOU DRIVERS GOING EAST BOUND AND NEED THAT FRONT DOOR, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP UP WITH ME COME ON LETS GO"!

I WAS STILL ON THE PHONE AND O' DOLLAR SAID;

"WHAT WAS THAT"?

I SAID, "O' THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE "CHICKENHAULERS" THAT THINKS HE'S GOT A FAST TRUCK".

AT THIS TIME WE ARE GETTING READY TO GO BY THE "TA" AND HE GETS ON THE RADIO AGAIN AND SAYS;

"ANY OF YOU DRIVERS GOING EAST BOUND AND NEED THAT FRONT DOOR, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP UP WITH ME COME ON LETS GO"!

WELL AFTER HEARING HIM CUSSIN' ANOTHER DRIVER I DECIDED TO GET INVOLVED.

THAT'S WHEN I PUT MY PHONE ON SPEAKER PHONE AND I TOLD DOLLAR TO LISTEN TO THIS.

I GRABBED MY MIC AND SAID;

"JUST WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY DRIVER, DO YOU THINK YOUR TRUCK RUNS OR SOMETHING"?

HE COME BACK AND SAID;

"I KNOW MY TRUCK RUNS".

I THEN SAID;

"WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO". I'LL BET YOU A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL THAT YOU CAN'T GET ALONG SIDE ME AND TELL ME THE NAME ON THE SIDE OF MY TRUCK!

HE SAID;

"WHERE ARE YOU AT"?

THATS WHEN I SAID;

"I'M UP HERE IN FRONT OF YOU AT THE 51 YARD STICK GETTING READY TO GO BY THE FLYING HOOK"!

HE SAID;

"DO YOU HAVE ANY PROTECTION"?

I SAID;

"WELL HELL YES I GOT PROTECTION". AFTER TELLING HIM FIRST, "I HAD THREE CONDOMS AND A GLOCK", I THEN TOLD HIM SURE I GOT ALL THE PROTECTION A MAN NEEDS SO JUST COME ON UP HERE.

AND THAT DRIVER DONE JUST THAT, HE TOOK OFF AND WENT ON UP THERE.

NOW NOT REALIZING I WAS BEHIND HIM ALL THIS TIME I STAYED ABOUT A MILE BEHIND HIM AND HE WOULD RUN UP ON THOSE TRUCKS AND SAY;

"IS THIS YOU I'M COMING UP ON RIGHT HERE"?

AND I WOULD SAY;

"NO DRIVER THERE AIN'T NOBODY AROUND ME".

WE WERE RUNNING TRIPLE DIGITS WHEN HE WAS GOING DOWN HILL BUT I WOULD ALWAYS HAVE TO SLOW DOWN ON THE BIGGER UP GRADES TO KEEP FROM PASSING HIM. WHEN WE CLIMBED THAT BIG HILL OVER THERE BEFORE YOU GET TO WILLIAMS I WENT ON AROUND HIM AND HAD PULLED OVER ON TOP THE HILL AND WAS OUT THERE CHECKING MY LOAD WHEN HE WENT BY. NOW I REALLY CAN'T REMEMBER EVER GOING THROUGH FLAG THAT FAST BEFORE BUT TO MAKE THIS LONG STORY A LITTLE SHORTER WE ENDED UP GOING FROM THE 59 MILE MARKER TO THE 359 MILE MARKER IN JUST A LITTLE OVER 3 HOURS. IT WAS A NIGHT TO REMEMBER I GUARANTEE IT. ME AND DOLLAR STAYED ON THE PHONE UNTIL OUR PHONES WOULD GO DEAD OR LOOSE THE SIGNAL AND WE WERE REALLY JUST "HAVIN' TOO MUCH FUN"!

ANYWAY, WE CROSSED THAT NEW MEXICO LINE AND PULLED INTO THE SCALES THERE AT THE 11 YARD LINE AND I WAS RIGHT BEHIND HIM, JUST 2 TRUCKS BACK. RIGHT AFTER HE MADE IT THROUGH THE SCALES "HE ASKED ME "WHERE I WAS AT NOW"?

I TOLD HIM;

"I JUST CAME OUT OF THE SCALES DRIVER AND I JUST GOT BACK ON THE BIG ROAD"!

HE SAID;

"OK DRIVER, I'M FIXIN' TO CATCH YOU NOW, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO AHEAD AND GET THAT HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL OUT"!

WELL, I CLEARED THE SCALE HOUSE A FEW MINUTES LATER AND WAS GETTING READY TO GET OUT THERE ON THE BIG ROAD AND HE HOLLERED AT ME AGAIN.

HE SAID;
"WHERE ARE YOU AT NOW DRIVER"? "WHICH ONE OF THESE TRUCKS ARE YOU"?

THATS WHEN I TURNED MY MIC GAIN DOWN ON MY RADIO TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I WAS FUTHER AWAY THAN I REALLY WAS AND I SAID;

"DRIVER I'M ALREADY UP HERE GOING BY THE GALLUP GET OFF AT THE 16 YARD STICK AND I GOT TO GO, SO I CAN'T BE DRAGGIN' MY FEET ANYMORE WAITING ON YOU. IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN SO YOU HAVE A SAFE TRIP AND BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME".

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I HEARD ANYTHING OUT OF HIM BUT, AS I WAS GOING OVER THE BRIDGE AT THE GALLUP EXIT, HE HAD GOT OFF AND WAS RIGHT THERE UNDER THE BRIDGE GOING TO LOVES, OR THE "TA", AND THATS WHEN I REACHED UP THERE AND TURNED THAT MIC GAIN ALL THE WAY BACK UP AND SAID;

"YOU KNOW''

" IF YOU CHASE ANOTHER TRUCK, ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STATE OF ARIZONA, NOT REALIZING HE WAS BEHIND YOU THE WHOLE TIME"!

"YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER"!

NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT DRIVER WAS THINKING AFTER I SAID THAT, BUT "I KNOW HE HEARD ME"!

"GOING OUT WEST"

I road out West with a friend of mine one time. I was "Semi-Retired" at the time and had not drove in a few years but I was driving and needed to get some fuel so I pulled in the Piolt there in Barstow at Lynnwood Rd.. He was asleep and I didn't want to wake him up so I got out of the truck and grabbed that phone and that
O' Gal Said;

"WOULD YOU PLEASE SWIPE YOUR CARD"!

I said now wait a minute. "What the hell would I want to steal my own damm card for"?

''SHE SAID, DO YOU HAVE A HUB"?

I said well hell yes I got a Hub. If I did'nt my damm axles would fall out.

"SHE SAID, DO YOU NEED MILEAGE"?

I said well I've only ran about 1200 miles this week but if you could put a couple thousand on my paycheck it would sure be "Highly Appricated".

"SHE SAID, WHATS YOUR BASE PLATE"?

I said thats that tag on the front of my tractor that tells you what state I am out of.

"SHE SAID, DO YOU NEED A FREE SHOWER"?

I said well I'm completely loaded right now but if you'll sit it out behind the truck stop when I come back through if I have enough room, I'll pick it up.

"SHE SAID, DO YOU NEED REEFER'?

I said "No Thanks". Got Some.

"SHE SAID, DO YOU NEED AN ADVANCE"?

I said well it's been a long time sence a woman has made an advance at me but if you want me to I can make my o'l lady stay in the truck and that way when I come in to pay for my fuel you can show me one of your "Tits" or something.

"SHE SAID, HOW DO YOU PLAN TO PAY"?

I said I don't. I'm a "Drive Off"!

"SHE FINALLY ASKED, DO YOU NEED A TRIP"?

I said, "Bitch" you are a trip. All I wanted to do was get some fuel and you just keep asking me all of these Stupied Questions so I hung up on her, ran out of fuel going down Cojoin, but coasted into the fuel islands at the TA in Ontario!

"WHOOP! WHOOP"!

"JUST A FEW REASONS WHY "YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER"!

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO CONVINCE JB THAT "POON TANG" IS THE CAPITAL OF TAIWAN.

IF YOU HAVE LOTS OF "JEWELERS ROUGE", BUT DONT EVEN WEAR JEWELRY.

WHEN RETIREING FROM TRUCKIN', IF YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT PUTTING A ''CONEX BOARD'' IN YOUR ''HEARING AID''.

IF YOU'VE EVER THOUGHT OF HAVING THE "OIL CHANGED ON YOUR CB ANTENNA".

IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND THE FIRST THING YOU HEAR IS,
"ANYBODY WANT TO BUY A BLANKET''?

IF YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A "WINEO" AND A ''LINEO''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER ASKED ANOTHER DRIVER IF HE HAS EVER SEEN AN "ASSHOLE WRAPPED IN PLASTIC". THEN TOLD HIM TO LOOK AT HIS DRIVERS LICENSE.

IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT HAS A DIFFERENT MEANING WHEN HE SAYS, ''I'LL CALL YOU FROM MY CELL PHONE".

IF YOU THINK MCT MEANS "MEXICAN CHICKEN TRUCK".

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL A "THREE STAGE JAKE BREAK" FOR A PUSH LAWN MOWER.

IF YOU'VE EVER ASKED FOR A "JUMP", A "BUMP", AND A "BUTTON FOR YOUR PUMP".

IF YOU'VE EVER SOLD A RADIO THATS BEEN "PEAKED & TWEEKED'' MEANING, IT'S BEEN TURNED UP AND COMES WITH ''SQUELCH MONSTERS''.

IF YOU LIKE HEARING WORDS LIKE ''SALINAS'', ''NOGALES'', AND ''HUNTS POINT''.

IF YOUR ''MUD FLAPS'' COST YOU YOUR WHOLE PAY CHECK.

IF YOU HEAR THE WORDS JB HUNT AND INSTANTLY THINK "TINKER TOYS''.

IF YOU PINCH YOUR WAITRESS ON THE ASS, WITH YOUR WIFE SITTING "RIGHT NEXT TO YOU".

IF YOUR SENTENCES BEGIN WITH ''UH'' AND END WITH ''COME ON BEC''.

IF YOU HAVE "MORE ALTERNATORS" ON YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAVE BATTIRES.

IF YOU TELL YOU DISPATCHER, YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIVES IN FONTANA AND HER NAME IS ''LUCY''.

IF YOU THINK "SWIFT DRIVERS'' "AINT REAL SWIFT".

IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE MEANING TO THE WORD ''CRANKSHAFT''.

IF YOU CAN RELATE TO ''TWO STICKS'' AND ''TOOTH PICKS''. YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER THAT KNOWS A''BULL HAULER''.

IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND BOTH OF YOUR BACK POCKETS ARE FULL OF ''MILE MARKERS''.

IF YOU THINK CDL STANDS FOR ''CHICKENHAULER DRIVERS LICENSE'' OR ''CHICKENHAULER DELIVERING LOADS''.

IF YOU THINK CB STANDS FOR ''CHICKEN BROADCASTER".

IF YOU THINK TRIPLE C MEANS, ''CAN'T CATCH CHICKENTRUCKS''.

IF YOU THINK THE WORD CHICKEN MEANS, A ''CHICKEN HAULIN' CAT KICKIN' ENGINE''.

IF YOU THINK CRST MEANS, ''CHICKEN REJECT STRAIGHT TRAILER''.

IF YOU DRINK RC COLA BECAUSE IN YOUR OWN MIND THE RC STANDS FOR ''ROOSTER CRUSIN''.

IF YOU DRINK CC AND COKE BECAUSE TO YOU THIS IS A ''CHICKEN COCKTAIL''.

IF YOU ARE LISTENING TO YOU POLICE SCANNER AND START TO FEEL BAD BECAUSE THEY DONT SAY "B-BOY "C-CHICKEN''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER USED YOUR RADIO TO ''JUMP START A HARLEY''.

IF YOUR IDEA OF A "COOK OUT" IS ROASTING HOT DOGS AND MARSHMALLOWS ON YOUR ''CB ANTENNA''.

IF YOUR MICRAPHONE DOES LOTS OF ''BUNGY JUMPIN''.

IF YOU ARE ASKING FOR "LUCILLE'' AND YOU'RE NOT IN A BAR IN TOLEDO.

IF YOU MAKE A ''LINE'' ON YOUR LOG BOOK "WITHOUT EVEN OPENING IT".

IF YOU SAY, YOUR JUST LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WONDERING IF THERE ARE ANY "FRIENDS OF YOURS HERE".

IF YOU HAVE ''STRECH MARKS'' ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR FINGERS.

IF YOU HAVE EVER CHECKED YOUR WEIGHT ON SCALES CALLED ''TRIPLE BEAMS''.

IF A REAL NICE LOOKING GIRL IS GIVING YOU A PHYSICAL AND ''BUMPING THE DOCK'' COMES TO MIND.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL ''STYRAPOME GAS CANS''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SEEL ''CORDLESS EXTENSION CORDS WITH A GROUND WIRE''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL A 7 BAND RADAR DETECTOR WITH ''X-BAND, K-BAND, KA-BAND, "WITH FOUR RUBBER BANDS''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL ''ANTIQUE DIGITAL GRANDFATHER CLOCKS".

IF YOU HAVE A ''NO LOT LIZZARD'' SIGN ON YOUR TRUCK BUT, LET THEM IN ANYWAY.

IF YOU THINK LOT LIZZARDS CUT THE STRING OFF THEIR TAMPEX JUST TO KEEP THE CRABS FROM ''BUNGY JUMPIN''.

NOW IF YOU THINK THEY USE THIS STRING FOR "DENTAL FLOSS"!

WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE SPECIAL, AND YOU OFFER TO TAKE THEM OUT TO A "MOVIE" AND THEN TO A "LATE DINNER", AND WITH PRIDE, YOU TAKE THEM TO THE "PETRO THEATER" AND THEN WALK THEM OUT THERE TO THE "BUFFET";

IF YOU PROMISED TO TAKE YOUR WIFE OUT FOR DINNER ON HER BIRTHDAY AND YOU ORDERED "CHICKEN WINGS'', "FROM A CHROME SHOP''!

IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN A "BEAR IN THE AIR" WITH A SET OF PORTABLES.

IF YOU HAVE "MORE POWER" COMING OUT OF YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAVE UNDER YOUR TRUCK.

IF YOUR TRUCK AND YOUR RADIO BOTH, "DO TRIPLE DIGITS".

IF YOU GO DOWN TO A LOWER CHANNEL AND BREAK FOR "THE SPACE SHUTTLE".

NOW IF HOUSTON COMES BACK AND SAYS "DRIVER, "THEY ARE ALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW".

IF YOU HAVE LESS THAN "2 POUNDS OF AIR PRESURE" IN YOUR DRIVERS SEAT.

IF YOU "WASH YOUR TRUCK" MORE THAN YOU WASH YOUR CLOTHS.

IF YOU THINK "CHICKEN WIRE" AND "WESTERN UNION" ARE THE SAME THING.

IF YOU'RE IN THE LEFT LANE 60% OF THE TIME AND SPEND THE OTHER 40% "TRING TO GET OUT THERE".

IF YOU THINK "COLONAL SANDERS" IS ONE OF THE MAIN LEADERS OF OUR COUNTRY.

IF YOU KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT WHAT STATE "KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN ORIGINATED IN".

IF YOU HAVE A REEFER ON YOUR TRAILER AND "REEFER IN YOUR TRAILER".

IF YOU THINK "MIRICAL GROW" MEANS "REEFER FUEL".

IF YOU RECEIVE WITH AN "AUDIO KING", TRANSMITT WITH A "ROAD KING", AND SLEEP WITH A "THERMO KING".

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO GET SAVED AT "CHURCHS CHICKEN".

IF BOTH YOUR TRAILER AND YOUR SLEEPER SOMETIMES "SMELLS LIKE FISH".

IF YOUR AT HOME AND YOUR WIFE TELLS YOU TO GO OUT TO GET SOME "OLIVE OIL" AND YOU GO TO "POPEYES CHICKEN" AND ASK FOR HER.

IF YOU GO TO A LUMBER YARD TO TRY TO BUY A "CONEX-BOARD".

IF YOU'RE AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE GETTING A CHECK UP AND YOU "PULL OUT YOUR OWN THEMOMETER".

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLARD ON YOUR RADIO, "HEY BOBTAIL, DID YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TRAILER LIGHTS".

IF YOU ARE BEHIND YOUR TRACTOR PUTTING GREASE ON YOUR 5TH WHEEL, AND IT REMINDS YOU OF "A GIRL YOU USE TO KNOW".

IF YOU HAVE A "WIFE IN YOUR TRUCK" BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE SINGLE.

IF YOU ARE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD AT NIGHT AND AN "AIRPLANE MISTAKENLY LANDS ON YOUR TRAILER".

IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN ASKED TO "DIM YOUR CHICKENLIGHTS".

IF YOU LOOK FOR A "NICE QUIET FLATBED WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN" TO PARK NEXT TO.

IF YOU'RE RUNNING WITH ANOTHER TRUCK FROM JOPLIN TO PITTSBURG PA. AND YOU VOLUNTEER TO RUN THE DOOR IN MISSOURI AND INDIANNA, AND YOU VOLUNTEER HIM TO "RUN THE DOOR IN ILLINOIS AND OHIO".

IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUND IN K-MART AND YOU SEE ONE OF THOSE "BLUE LIGHT SPECIALS" COME ON, AND WITH OUT THINKING YOU REACH UP FOR YOUR MIC WHILE LOOKING DOWN FOR A MILE-MARKER.

IF YOU'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR SO LONG THAT WHEN WATCHING THE FLINTSTONES "WILMA STARTS LOOKING GOOD".

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO CONVENCE SMOKEY BEAR THAT YOU WERE TRING TO PICK UP A CIGARETTE THAT YOU HAD DROPED ON THE FLOOR AND "REALLY DID'NT REALIZE YOU WERE GOING 107 MILES AN HOUR".

IF IT COST YOU MORE THAN "$35.00 IN VELCRO" JUST TO CHANGE TRUCKS.

IF YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT PUTTING "CHICKEN LIGHTS" ON YOUR WIFE'S "KIRBY".

IF YOU HAVE "MORE TOYS ON YOUR RADIO" THAN YOUR KIDS HAVE IN THEIR TOY BOX.

IF YOU HAVE MORE LIGHTS ON YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAD ON YOUR "CHRISTMAS TREE".

IF YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS "CHROME".

IF YOU GO TO WORK FOR "DICK SIMON'' AND DONT PICK UP YOU FIRST LOAD BECAUSE YOUR DISPATCHER FORGOT TO SAY ''SIMON SAYS''.

IF YOU TRY TO CONVENCE JB THAT UTAH HAS THE BIGGEST RANCH IN THE WORLD AND THATS WHY EVERYWHERE YOU GO IN THE STATE YOU SEE THAT
''RANCH EXIT''.

WHEN YOU SEE A SNYDER TRUCK AND INSTANTLY THINK ''DAY CARE CENTER''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLERED ON YOUR RADIO, BREAK ONE NINE FOR SOME LOCAL ''NIMFO''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLERED ON YOUR RADIO, ''TRUCK WASH, DETAIL SHOP, CHANNEL 22''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HAD ''SWINGIN' MEAT, LOADED IN YOUR SHINNEY HINNEY''.

IF YOU DRIVE DOWN EVERY ROW OF THE TRUCK STOP BEFORE YOU LEAVE, ''AT 2 MILES AN HOUR''.

IF EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH YOUR MOTOR BUT FOR SOME REASON YOU KEEP SAYING ''ROD NOCKER''.

IF YOU ASK FOR A RADIO CHECK 3 OR 4 TIMES A DAY, ''EVERY DAY''.

IF YOUR NOT A CARPENTER BUT YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO BE PUTTING DOWN YOUR ''HAMMER''.

IF YOU THINK THE NATIONS CAPITAL SHOULD BE ''CHICKENDALE ARKANSAS''.

IF YOU HAVE AN ESCORT ON YOUR DASH AND HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO HAVE AN "ESCORT IN YOUR SLEEPER".

IF YOU THINK THEY DONT CIRCUMSIZE DOT IN TEXAS BECAUSE IT GIVES THEM A PLACE TO PUT THEIR ''SCOAL'' WHEN THEY ARE EATING BREAKFAST.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TOLD ANOTHER DRIVER THAT HE HAS PROBABLY HAD HIS ''FROOT OF THE LOOMS'' ON FOR SO LONG, ''THAT THE GRAPES HAVE PROBABLY DONE TURNED TO "RASINS''.

IF YOU HAVENT SEEN A WOMAN FOR 2 DAYS BUT FOR SOME REASON YOU KEEP SAYING ''DO IT BABY''.

IF YOU THINK THE FCC STANDS FOR ''FEDERAL CHICKEN COMUNICATIONS''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER ASKED A FELLOW FEMALE TRUCK DRIVER IF SHE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN ''GOING 50-50 ON AN ORGASIUM''.

IF YOU HAVE A 10-2 SPREAD ON YOUR TRAILER AND SOMETIMES YOU "10-2 SPREAD SOMETHING ELSE IN YOUR SLEEPER".

IF YOU CAN REMEMBER YEARS AGO BEING IN EL PASO ASKING FOR ''BLACK MOLLY'' BUT HAVING TO SETTLE WITH A "COKE AND SOME ''M&M'S''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TOLD ANOTHER DRIVER THAT THE BUMP YOU JUST HIT WAS SO BAD, IT KNOCKED EVERYTHING OFF THE FLOOR "BACK UP ON THE DASH".

IF YOU'VE EVER DREAMED OF PUTTING "CHICKEN LIGHTS ON YOUR ''HOUSE''.

IF FOR SOME REASON EVERY TIME YOU GO OUT WEST YOU ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE "LAST MINUTE TO LEAVE".

IF YOU'VE EVER TOLD AN ''ARROW DRIVER'' TO STOP AT THE STATE LINE IN ARIZONIA ON I-40, BECAUSE YOU SEEN A SIGN AT THE 359 THAT SAID, ''FREE ARROW HEAD''.

IF YOUY HAVE AN UNDECTABLE RADAR DETCETOR, A SCANNER, A DEPT FINDER, A TRAILBLAZER, A FLORESENT TUBE, BELONG TO LEGAL PAID SERVICES, HAVE A $50.00 BILL BEHIND YOUR DRIVERS LICENSES, AND STILL HAVE A "TICKET IN BOTH YOUR LOG BOOKS".

IF YOU THINK THE REASON THEY PUT SCREENS IN ALL THE ''URNALS'' IN THE TRUCK STOPS NOW IS TO KEEP THE STUDENT DRIVERS FROM EATING ''THE MINTS''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO SELL A "BUG SHIELD", TO ANOTHER DRIVER IN A ''CAB OVER''.

IF YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN AT HOME IS HELD UP WITH A "LOAD LOCK".

IF YOU HAVE A DOG NAMED "MUD FLAP" OR A CAT NAMED "SHRINK WRAP".

OR, IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TOLD THAT ANOTHER DRIVER CAN'T SEE TO BACK IN, SO COULD YOU "PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR BUMBER".

''YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER"

"OKC PETRO"

I was at the Petro in Oklahoma City the other day and this Driver was on the radio saying that he had just bought him a "Brand New Truck". He was telling everyone that he will sure be glad when he gets his

"New Truck Broke In".

So, when he went into the Restaurant to eat,

( That's Right Drivers )

"I Broke In His Truck" 

 I grabbed his "CB Radio" and then went in the Truck Stop and found him. I walked over to him and said,

Hey Driver, "Do you want to buy a Radio"?
He looked at it and said, "Well I got one just like it." I then asked him, "What did you pay for the one you got?" He said, "Ah Hundred Dollars."

I said, "Well I'll sell this one for "Fourty". He said, "Okay, I'll take it but I got to go over to the ATM machine to get the money."

I said, "Well hold on a second". I said, Here's your ATM card. I put your Pin Number on the back for ya." I said, "While you are gone, Do you want me to "Catch Up" your log book?" He said, "Sure Go Ahead."

So, when he left I opened his log book up and

"POURED "KETCHUP" IN IT".

"ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE"!

BACK IN THE EARLY 90'S "TA" BOUGHT THE OLD 76 TRUCKSTOP ON THE WEST SIDE OF OKC. WELL WHEN THEY WERE REMODELING, I WENT IN AND TALKED THE RESTAURANT MANAGER INTO TAKING ALL THE PHONES OUT OF THE BOOTHS AND REPLACING THEM WITH

"CB RADIO'S".

HE THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT IDEA AT FIRST BUT IT ONLY LASTED FOR A "COUPLE DAYS" BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW THEM DRIVERS ARE.

"WHAT BOOTH YOU IN ASSHOLE"?

"WHY DON'T YOU MEET ME AT THE BUFFET"!

"PULL THAT BOOTH OVER".

I WOULD ALWAYS TELL THEM IF YOU WANT TO FIGHT AND ARGUE, LETS GO DOWN TO CHANNEL 15.

"I'M UNDEFEATED ON 15"!

''I'LL PUT YOUR RADIO IN A ''FULL NELSON''!

''GALAXY 66''

I HAD A BRAND NEW "GALAXY 66" STILL IN THE BOX HERE AWHILE BACK SO I WENT AND FOUND ME A "SWIFT DRIVER", TURNED THAT BOX UPSIDE DOWN, TOLD HIM IT WAS A "GALAXY 99", AND HE GAVE ME $450.00 FOR IT.

THAT SAME DRIVER CAME IN THE CB SHOP THE OTHER DAY AND SAID HE TRIED THE SAME THING WITH A "GALAXY 88" AND HE SAID HE TURNED IT UPSIDE DOWN BUT IT DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

SO ANYWAY, STEVE AT THE CB SHOP WENT AHEAD AND SOLD HIM A "GALAXY 33".

HE WENT DOWN STAIRS AND HOOKED IT UP AND WE HEARD HIM AS HE WAS LEAVING TOWN, HE SAID "HOW ABOUT IT",

"ANYBODY GOT A COPY ON THIS BRAND NEW"

"GALAXY DOUBLE E"?

==================================

"GUIDE LINE"

"ATTENTION ALL DRIVERS"

THE "YELLOW LINE" THAT RUNS ALOND THE MEDIAN IS A "GUIDE LINE" FOR THOSE "YELLOW MOTORS".

IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A "YELLOW MOTOR" YOU NEED TO

"GET YOUR ASS IN THE RIGHT LANE AND STAY THERE"!

==================================

"TWO YEAR PHYSICAL"

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR THE OTHER DAY AND GOT ME ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE "TWO YEAR PHYSICALS". THE DOCTOR CALLED ME TODAY AND SAID HE HAD SOME GOOD NEWS AND SOME BAD NEWS. I TOLD HIM TO GIVE ME THE GOOD NEWS FIRST.

HE SAID, "WELL THE GOOD NEWS IS",

"I HAD 24 HOURS TO LIVE".

HE SAID, "THE BAD NEWS WAS",

HE TRIED TO GET AHOLD OF ME "YESTERDAY"!

==================================

"BINGO IN AFGANISTAN"

DO YOU KNOW HOW THE TALABAN ARE PLAYING "BINGO" OVER THERE IN AFGANISTAN NOW.

THEY ARE GOING,

"B-52"

"F-16"

AND WHEN THEY HOLLER BINGO THEY GO,

"STEALTH"!

==================================

"ROLL OVER MINUTES"

WHEN YOU DRIVERS GO TO GET YOU A NEW "CELL PHONE" YOU NEED TO GO WITH "CINGULAR WIRELESS" WHICH IS NOW "AT&T".

THEY HAVE THESE NEW "ROLL OVER MINUTES".

THIS WAY IF YOUR DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD RUNNING YOUR MOUTH ON YOUR CELL PHONE, AND YOU "SCREW UP" AND

"ROLL YOUR TRUCK OVER"

"YOU DONT LOOSE THE SIGNAL".

IT'S THEM NEW

''ROLL OVER MINUTES"!

==================================

"LOST SWIFT DRIVER"

  I was tring to help a "Swift Driver" one time that was on the "Radio" saying he was lost. He was tring to get into the Petro there Oklahoma City. I asked him where he was at?

He said he didnt know where he was at.

I told him well, it's going to be kinda hard for me to help you with "Directions" if you can't even tell me where you are at.

He said he was coming up to an intersection at that time to hold on just a secound. When he finally got up to the corner he said;

 " I'm at the corner of "

"Walk and Don't Walk".

==================================

"RADIO FOR SALE"

Things have changed since I drove last.

I guess now days Drivers have one "Radio" they go "Forward" with and another "Radio" they go "Backwards" with.

I heard this Driver the other day on the "Radio" trying to sell his

"Back Up Radio".

==================================

"ROOM FULL OF LOT LIZZARDS"

Do you know what you have when you have a whole room full of Lot Lizzards? 

"One Full Set Of Teeth".

==================================

"LOT LIZZARD BY WENDYS"

  This Driver picked him up a "Lot Lizzard" on the street there in Oak City and drove over to the "Old Piolt" Truck Stop and parked his Truck over on the west side of Wendy's.

After they both got back in the sleeper the "Lot Lizzard" pulled out some of her own money and handed it to the Driver and said she wanted to

"Biggie Size It"

=================================

"WENDYS CHILIE"

I WALKED INTO THE WENDYS AT THE "PILOT" ON THE WEST SIDE OF "PHOENIX" AWHILE BACK AND TOLD THEM I WANTED A BOWL OF THEIR "CHILIE"

BUT

I WANTED TO "BIGGIE SIZE IT" TO A

"TOE".

=================================

"LOT LIZZARD MOUTHWASH"

Do you know what Lot Lizzards use for "Mouthwash"?

"Whore-Ah-Scope".

=================================

"THE 10-2 POSITION"

I was trying to teach this young kid how to "Drive A Truck" one time and when I told him to put his hands at the

"10-2 POSITION"

He asked me

"AM" or "PM".

The boy needed a

"Check Up" from the "Neck Up".