Doesn't really sound right calling you that but that is what you wanted and I'm trying very hard to respect that.
Yes, this is hard, not only for you but for me and the kids as well. I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing, what I need to be doing. You have the advantage over me. You have the job, you have the babysitter (me), you don't have to worry about that, but I do.
All I really wanted was a chance to be prepared. So that THIS FEELING OF HOPELESSNESS WOULDN'T HAPPEN. But don't think that I don't understand what you have been trying tell me. But all I can hope for that what your telling me is finally the truth.
I'm not placing the blame as one might think, I know I had my hand in this too. And some days are better than others. Today isn't one of them though. With the storm coming in I'm scared shitless because if the power goes out I don't have heat for the kids. If it snows, I can't go anywhere because I don't know how to drive in the snow. I feel isolated out here because no one will come out here but you. But even then it is still a waiting game.
I just wish that I felt like I had some real direction. Real people in my life that I knew I could count on because they have proven it over and over again. Yeah, I have people who will help me because of the kids, but no one that will help me because of me. That doesn't make me feel very good.
I don't know. I just wish that you would have thought about how hard it would be for me to be able to get on my feet without making it almost impossbile. I can't do what most would do and ask the state because in the end the would only fuck you and the kids over and I don't want that. But you won't allow yourself to sit down and talk to me about what I need to do now that what I was originally doing is no longer happening. (School)
Nothing makes sense. Your confused and in the process it is making me confused.
