SubrbnChick's blog: "Feelings"

Doesn't really sound right calling you that but that is what you wanted and I'm trying very hard to respect that. Yes, this is hard, not only for you but for me and the kids as well. I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing, what I need to be doing. You have the advantage over me. You have the job, you have the babysitter (me), you don't have to worry about that, but I do. All I really wanted was a chance to be prepared. So that THIS FEELING OF HOPELESSNESS WOULDN'T HAPPEN. But don't think that I don't understand what you have been trying tell me. But all I can hope for that what your telling me is finally the truth. I'm not placing the blame as one might think, I know I had my hand in this too. And some days are better than others. Today isn't one of them though. With the storm coming in I'm scared shitless because if the power goes out I don't have heat for the kids. If it snows, I can't go anywhere because I don't know how to drive in the snow. I feel isolated out here because no one will come out here but you. But even then it is still a waiting game. I just wish that I felt like I had some real direction. Real people in my life that I knew I could count on because they have proven it over and over again. Yeah, I have people who will help me because of the kids, but no one that will help me because of me. That doesn't make me feel very good. I don't know. I just wish that you would have thought about how hard it would be for me to be able to get on my feet without making it almost impossbile. I can't do what most would do and ask the state because in the end the would only fuck you and the kids over and I don't want that. But you won't allow yourself to sit down and talk to me about what I need to do now that what I was originally doing is no longer happening. (School) Nothing makes sense. Your confused and in the process it is making me confused.

Right now, I am a little bit of everything. I'm irritated, frustrated, upset, happy, but yet at the same time I just want to rip a few people's heads off! I don't want to explain the reason for all these emotions cause honestly I don't see the point! Oh but than why even bother saying anything right? Because I feel like it! The way I am feeling right now is for me. But saying how I am feeling might be the one thing I need to get some sleep tonight. I don't know. I'm half tempted just to delete this thing and go to bed...but than again...FUCK IT! I'm posting it. Maybe I'll come back at a later time and reveal what has made me feel this way, I guess time will only tell.

I feel like I'm walking the shadows again. Confused as all hell. Not knowing where I will end up, what direction I am really going, or most importantly will my family survive all this. I keep thinking/feeling like it is ALL my fault. That in a way I drove him to her and than pulled him back to me because I'm afraid to let go. I'm not even sure if he is honestly still here because he really wants to be or because the fear he has is keeping him here. I'm afraid to talk to him. Afraid that I won't acutally be heard. Afraid that I will break down emotionally like I am now just writing this. Afraid that all my hurt will come out as anger and I will not be able to focus on saying what should really be said. How can you be with someone if you can't talk to them? How is it fair to the other person if all you do is avoid true heartfelt conversation? How can anyone except me to try and get past all this if the one person who needs to see that I'm need of something more than just physical compassion can't? Yes, he is here for me in body but not really emotionally. He doesn't know that I cry almost everyday. He doesn't know that when I look at our daughter I feel overwhelmed with feelings of hurt and feelings of I didn't matter enough to him. I do feel love for our daughter but it is always shadowed with pain. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to forgive or forget but all I can do is try and move past all this right? To feel loved again, respected. To feel like I mean something to someone...