Destiny
These words have been running through my head most of the day SO I will get some of them out.
How do you know what the future holds for you??
How do you REALLY know what you want after you have been through a loss???
NO, not loss like death, loss as in the heartbroken kind. I am not sure if I am over my heartbroken loss yet. And it's been a little over 2 years, one failed rebound relationship, a LOT of lusted after(mostly onesided of course) women. So as usual it leads to me frustrated, confused, on the verge of yet again giving up on women. Writing them off, i still do not trust ANY woman, and most of what they have to say. Especially, if it involves their "alleged" interest/attraction to me. So today was a mix of why me??
ANd seems like no matter how much I try to meet someone, DESTINY/FATE keeps telling me no you are gonna be ALONE! Doesn't matter what you WANT, this is how it is! I had more words, but I did not really feel work was the place to be writing them down, especially if I left them and some NOSY ass clown decided to look at my shit. That would have been grounds for me to Run AMOK!( yes I do like that phrase) So what comes out now is whats left, and what I can remember of the 3.6 millino word that ran through my mind.
I know girl who is interested in me, but exactly what her interest level is beyond friendship I have NO FUCKIN CLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sadly I don't think I am ready to be serious (yet????? ever???????). or if I even have any heart left to give anyone.
If I have a heart that anyone would want?????
If I have female friends who say I am so handsome sexy, cute, but not enuff to follow through with it??
NOt good enuff to be the BF, just (always, eternally) the friend?????
To Quote OTEP:
"I HATE MY LIFE!"
MY TIMES UP, BUT I'M NOT DONE............
Well for all the times I have been single.........WTF is so damn great about it????????????????
Seriously, I ask people and they give me "there is no pressure" as on of their answers. TO me that is BS! There is partly the pressure we ALL put on ourselves. I have never been happy in my life when i have been single. Not becasue I am single, but being single, and LONELY, feeling completely unwanted, and alone is rolled up in there, plus with whatever else happens to be going on in my life. So when am I supposed to "enjoy" being single????? Can ANYONE answer that??? When I let myself??? Ok, also so when does the loneliness go away???????
I try (beleive me, I do) to make a concious effort to not dwell on it, and mostly I don't. Life over all takes care of that, but It hits me hard, and I try to hide it, to not show it, so no one knows,
A friend sent me a pic, where I am smiling recently.... she put in ther "you look so happy" now whether she was joking or not, just cause I am smiling does not mean I am happy.
Hell I am beyond having words for what I feel sometimes, beyond numb, beyond lonely, i know i am not the only one who feels this, but this if my fucking blog and i'll vent if i want to.
Oh did I mention that for me when it comes to women, it is OVER BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By that I mean for me it seems no matter how, when, where, I meet someone, there is SOMETHING( Destiny/Fate) that is perpetually in the way of me even finding peace, or happiness!
So if anyone reads this, to any who it applys to I am sorry.
So I decided I am gonna have to take steps to kick Destinys ass! See, since this whole men and women relationship thing is referred to as a "Game", I need to either learn the rules, which are always changing, so that seems nigh impossible, OR, make my own rules, BREAK damn near ALL the previous rules, ALL while still trying to be the "Great guy" I know I am, and have been told I am. So since I have just begun on this aspect of my battle (and that's what it kinda feels like) I have no news to report on in terms of progress. So to AMEND my preivious declaration, of I am DONE.......
I am not done, with women, BUT rather I am DONE letting my own fears fuck me up! I am DONE letting rejection get to me as much as it has in the past. I am DONE, (work in progress) being nervous around you evil, mostly untrustworthy (yet beautiful bitches!)
I will control what I can, and let go of what is out of my hands.
.........
