A's blog: "This is who I am."

You know, it's truly amazing how losing a friend or family member can completely change your entire perspective. As a people, we're constantly complaining about trivial matters and thing of little to no consequence. We all walk around with some kind of chip on our shoulder and we never take a single second to pause and ask how someone is doing and how things are in their life. Today, I lost a friend. A very dear friend. We were in high school together and though we'd lost touch since graduation, the bond was always there. We were in a very small class, there were only 73 of us, and we all knew one another rather well whether we wanted to or not. He was a great person, and he'll be in our hearts and prayers always. It's times like these when I hate living so far away from home and the family of friends I have there. Zack Hastings was a part of that family of friends, and now he's gone. Everything happens so suddenly, and as I said before, losing someone puts things into perspective.

In closing, I would just like to say, reunite with an old friend. Put the past behind you. Let go of that grudge you may not even realize you've been keeping and tell that person you do care. Life slips by us too quickly to hold on to grudges. So what if they stole your boyfriend/girlfriend, who cares if they lied to you or about you, it's over and done with now. Just let it go.

Just for the sake of clarification and the need to get a few things straight, I'm going to write this blog. So, here we go.

First off, I write my blogs as a way to express my thoughts and feelings. To get out all the things I normally keep bottled up. In my blogs, I NEVER name names, I never make statements that are pointed directly at anyone, nor do I write them to hurt anyone. If you don't like the things you find when you read my blogs, here's a bit of advice, don't read them!

Secondly, if at any point you feel the need to take my blogs personally, well then I guess that's your prerogative, or you feel guilty about something I've said in my blog. I won't apologize for what I feel or how I feel it. Maybe if you take it personally you should ask yourself if what I've said is right. Then again, it probably is right, and I'm justified in how I feel. Do not come to me and try to make me feel as if I've done something wrong by wanting to purge myself of my own feelings. I shouldn't have to field endless messages from people on my YIM or in my SB or in private messages from people who feel like my words and my personal feelings are an attack on them. Take some responsibility for yourself and your own actions. Whatever I write about in my blogs may or may not be about you, you don't know, so don't make assumptions. If you want to know if I'm writing about you, the least you could do is ask me rather than making accusations. 

Third, and this goes along with the whole naming names thing, I would NEVER call anyone out in my blogs, status messages or any other way that makes it public knowledge. That's disrespectful and irresponsible. If I have to call someone out, I go directly to that person, so do not undermine me and insinuate that I'm that type of person. Added to that, if that's the type of person you think that I am, then you really don't know me at all or you never made the attempt to really get to know me in the first place. 

Lastly, my status messages aren't directed at any one person. My status messages are normally quotes or song lyrics that are a reflection of what's going on in my own mind, and are related to the way I feel about certain issues or problems I'm having. If you don't like my status messages, don't read those either. I'm not here to make you happy, I'm not here to do what you want me to do, and I'm not here to make everything all peaches and cream for you. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. There are dark places and grey areas.

So again, I reiterate, if you don't like what you read in my status messages or my blogs, don't read any of them. And just for the record, this particular blog isn't directed at any one person but to the masses, so if you want to take this personally, go right ahead. It's not my problem.

I can't breathe. I feel like I'm trapped in this vicious cycle that I can't seem to break free from. I can't see. I keep spinning and spinning. I can't hear. It's like I'm inside a cave but there's absolutely no sound. I'm cold and I'm alone and I have nothing and no one to hold on to. Everyone around me is blissfully happy. They've found what they're looking for and I'm just floating through. Smiles and nods and nice gestures. All the things that are expected from a girl like me. I'm happy for them. I truly am. But, I despise them at the same time. So quickly it can be taken from you. So quickly that you can't even see it until it's already passed and you've been replaced. You're left reeling while they're moving onward and upward with the person who's swept them away from you. Suddenly you've been replaced. Promises made weren't promises kept after all. Then again, promises are made to be broken. Isn't that what people say? I don't know anymore. I keep thinking that this is all some nasty dream, and I'm going to wake up and none of this will have happened, but I know it's not a dream. Dreams can't hurt this badly. Dreams can't make you feel so completely alone, so completely shattered. Well, I was the fool...once again. It's the price you pay, I suppose.

I have questions that will never be answered, mostly because I don't know how to ask them. I can write down pages and pages of names of those I thought I knew, those I thought I could trust, those I thought of as my friends. You may not know it, but I can feel. I have a heart, or I had one, then I gave it away only to have it shattered and laid at my feet once again, and I don't know if I can pick it up and put it back together this time. I don't know if I want to. Perhaps that's the way it has to remain until someone finally comes along who can stick around long enough to cherish it.  Someone who can hold it in their hands and see that even though it isn't perfect and it's made of glass and it has cracks and fissures and rough spots, it's beautiful and it's worth it just to hang on and try. I have so much to give and so little to get. I sometimes think that I give myself to the wrong people, and that it's all my fault when they walk away or can't hang on just long enough to see that I am worth it. And it is my fault. I ask for too much, I expect too much, I need, I want. And then when it all crumbles, I'm left to pick it up and start over, while they can just move on to something bright and shiny and new, and forget that regardless of what they believe I do have feelings. I can hurt. I can feel pain. But this time, I think I'll just leave all those tiny shards right there on the ground, because I don't have the strength to bend down and pick them up and put them back the way they're supposed to be. Who knows, maybe the janitor will come by and sweep them up and dump them in the trash and I won't have to worry about ever having to give them away to anyone again. Instead I can be nothing, which is what it seems I am. Nothing.

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and looked into it at your own reflection and then asked yourself, "Who are you?"? I have. I do it every day. I've asked myself that question even without the mirror. Sometimes when I can't sleep because my brain won't turn itself off, I lie awake and I ask myself that. I've found the answer a time or two, but it wasn't until I was faced with a reality today that I figured it all out. I know who I am, and it isn't who I wanted to be. I'm broken. I've always been broken. I can accept that, and truth be told, I know who holds the blame for that. There have been times when I've thought that I had all the pieces back in place, and that the cracks and fissures had been sealed, and then something happens that allows me to see that that isn't entirely true. But, what can you do? When you've been through all the things I've been through and you've seen all the things I've seen, sometimes, being broken is the best thing there is. It let's you know you're alive and let's you know that no matter what you may think you can still feel pain. I've also discovered and accepted my place in the lives of others. I'm the constant. The one thing that they can always depend on, and the only thing that can't depend on any of them. That's who I am. It's who I've always been. I can bend and bend and bend. I can be whatever it is anyone wants me to be, but I can't depend on them to be what I need or want them to be to me. Things happen and things will always stand in your way. Sometimes you can move them, break through them, or walk around them. But other times, they're immovable, impenetrable, and virtually impossible to make a path around. Eventually, you have to find another path, another way to go and maybe, just maybe that's the right way. We live and we learn. I can't really say that in the last 9 years I've done much living, but I've done a hell of a lot of learning. I've also done a hell of a lot of accepting. I probably haven't been a really good friend to most people, or I've been all the friend they need and then they don't need me anymore. At least not until it's convenient for them. But, I've always remained, just in case. I'll continue to remain, because as I said before, I'm the constant. I'm the dependable. I'm the forever friend.

It would seem that the band CREED has reformed. Looks like Scott Stapp finally stepped down off his high horse and begged his former band mates (minus the old drummer) to regroup and reform CREED. The tour promoting their new album Full Circle kicked off this past Friday in Pittsburgh, PA to a very nearly sold out crowd! As a CREED fan, I can honestly say that I'm super excited about this news and look forward to purchasing my very own copy of Full Circle when it drops in October. For all the tour info, you can go to LiveNation's website, www.livenation.com or visit CREED's website, www.creed.com.

I am who I am, can't be anyone else. Other people spend so much time trying to be more or less than themselves, and for who or what reason? I've learned that people will respect you more if you don't put on a front or act like you're better or worse than what you are. I realize that that's a little cliche, but it's as close as I can get to an exact answer. I'm sure I'll never understand why some people want to be the center of attention or mimic what others do, but the fact is no one is perfect and no matter how hard you try, you'll NEVER be like that person. Period. Plain and simple. If you want to be like me, look at yourself first, because seriously,what you're truly looking for is lying inside you just waiting to burst free. I can't guide you to that place inside yourself, you have to look for that on your own. You were given everything you'll need to survive this life. No one else holds the keys to that. Just you. So, just be who you're supposed to be...who you want to be and screw being what everyone wants you to be or what they expect you to be. You're in control of your own life, of your own destiny. That's the simple truth.

Hey fellow Twilighters! I just thought that you'd all be interested in knowing that Summit Entertainment has decided to push ahead in their venture to make the Twilight Saga leap from the pages and onto the big screen. According to the article I read (released April 22, 2009) on Summit's website, www.summit-ent.com, Eclipse will begin filming this fall under the direction of David Slade (30 Days of Night & Hard Candy) and will release on June 30, 2010. Melissa Rosenberg, who wrote the screenplays for both Twilight and New Moon, is also writing the screenplay for Eclipse. As of yet, no casting has been done for the movie, but we can all hope that Kristen Stewart, Rob Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and the rest of the original cast will be signing on for round 3 of the beloved saga. 

And don't forget......New Moon releases in theaters on Nov. 20!!!