A's blog: "This is who I am."

I don't know how to start. I don't really know what to say. I want to scream and cry! But neither will solve anything. I can't believe it's come to this. I did all I could. So instead, I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for thinking that I could win. I'm angry for being the fool yet again! I thought I saw something in myself, I thought I saw something in all of this. I was wrong. I don't know if I'll ever trust again, I was stupid to take the walls down. I've opened up entirely, and it's all been thrown back into my face. I gave everything I could, I bent over backward. I let things out that have been locked tightly inside me for ages, and for what? Just to bleed all over again! To be laughed at and mocked! I've poured myself into the hands of fate, and being the evil bitch that she is, she's once again shown me that the truth is, I can never be complete. I've lost the will, and truth be told, once I can regain my footing, I won't repeat the same mistake. Rest assured that I've learned a valuable lesson. That lesson is that the only people I need in my life are those who want me to be in theirs. I'll no longer be the person I was, I'll not be used and tossed to the side like trash again. I won't turn my back on anyone, but I won't be the same open, giving, loving Adriane any longer. I'll be here for you when things fall apart for you, I'll do what I can to pick you up and fix what's been broken, because no matter what I feel or what I want to do, that will always be a part of me. And things will fall apart. They always do. But from here on in you're going to have to prove to me that you want me in your life, that no matter what happens I can trust you. You're going to have to prove to me that regardless of what others say, think, or try to do the bonds of our friendship will not be broken.

I don't know who I am anymore. I know when and how it happened, yes, but I still can't figure out why. I've asked myself time and again, Why me? Why did this happen to me? I've been everything to everyone, I've done everything for everyone, and I still don't have the answers. I've run the gauntlet time and again, and I continue to hit the wall at the end of it. I continue to fail myself and all those around me. I've been trapped inside myself, and believe me it isn't a very pretty place, but whilst I was there, I searched for meaning. I searched for who I was, and I never found myself. When I came out of my own mind, I started to search for myself again, and still I'm not there. I fear that i will never find the person I was and that I'll forever be lost to myself. People say that they can see the real me, but how is that possible, when I don't even know who the real me is anymore. I play so many roles, and that's all they are. Roles. I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, but I don't know who those people are, because I don't know myself. They're masks, they're the faces that I put on each and every day. I've tried and I've failed. I've died many times, and I'll continue to die again and again. I'm devoid of emotion, I can no longer feel. I am numb. So, if you find me before I do, please send me back to this shell I've become.

I have failed, I have mocked myself, I have seen happiness, yet every time I reach for it, it eludes me. I can see the world for what it truly is. A cold, dark, desolate place. I want things that I will never have, and I know that with every piece of my being, yet I still want, I still need. I don't see things the way you do. I don't see things as cut and dried, black and white. My wings have been clipped, and though I will forever cherish those beautiful moments in which I had them, I know that I will never have them back. I let myself think that anything was possible, now I know just how truly blind I am. I know that nothing is possible anymore. I can't see why I do this to myself, and I don't understand why I allow it to happen. I am broken, and I have nothing left to hold on to. I've fallen into the deepest depths time and time again, and just when I begin to think there is a way to survive, there is a way out, I'm plunged back into that cold and lonely place. I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'll never have that one thing that I want most, and that is to be cherished. To be adored, to give all that I possibly can, and have it returned to me 100% by someone who can and will do the same for me, instead of handing back to me all the little pieces of myself. I am tired, and I no longer have the ability to pick myself up again. I wish I knew what to do next. I wish....but wishing is for fools, and I am the biggest one of them all. "All you will ever feel is pain. No one will ever love you, you aren't worth it. You'll never be good enough. You're useless. I've taken everything from you, and I will revel in the glory of knowing that I was the reason for breaking you, I was the reason for taking all of it from you." I've memorized those words, they have been burned into my memory from the moment he spoke them to me, and I've come to believe them. They're true, and he was very right. His words will continue to ring inside my head every day for the rest of my existence. I'm sorry to all those who have been caused pain by my words, my actions, or at my hands. I wish that I could change it, but I can't. You never deserved it. I never deserved you. You were far too wonderful for me, and to hold on to any hope that I possibly ever did deserve you, was wrong of me. Thank you for being part of me, for gracing me with your presence though I never deserved it. You're a beautiful person and you deserve all the happiness that I will never have.

I have to get this out. I'm not looking for a pity party or whining about my life. I'm not trying to be a martyr and I know that I can change my feelings, and I'm working on all of this right now. I guess you could just call this blog, a grouping of energy and thoughts. Sometimes, I feel like a failure. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. I do so much for everyone around me, and I get nothing in the way of appreciation or thanks for it. I feel like I fail as a wife, a mother, a friend, etc...I could go on and on, but I think you all get the general idea. Life is what we make it, or so someone once said. In relativity, that's a true statement, but when you deal in facts, as I tend to do, it isn't. Life isn't what you make it, life is a game. A long monotonous game, consisting of the cards we are dealt and how those cards are played by us. We as humans are an oddity to me, because at some point in your life, you will come across complete imbeciles and wonder, sometimes out loud, how in the hell someone so moronic could ever exist. You'll also bump into some truly amazing people. People who have such large hearts and minds, that you'll find yourself awed to be in their very presence, let alone be honored with the ability to call them your friend. I've run into people from both sides of that line, and also a few who straddle that line. I'd like to consider myself an intelligent being, but sometimes I find myself in some of the most moronic situations, that it is hard to figure out where my place on either side of the line should be or maybe if I should just walk the line between the 2 sides, as some people are known to do. A very dear friend of mine just stated to me that "There is no failure to do, only failure to try." When I asked him if failure existed after you've tried, he had no response to my question, so I'm forced to come to the conclusion that failure does exist in all forms. When I expressed my conclusions to him, he became upset with me, and when I told him that now he knew how I felt when he speaks that way to me, he changed his mind. Now, he's one of those amazing people that I've been blessed with the ability of calling my friend, and his friendship and honesty mean the world to me. He's a prime example of a truly amazing person. We won't go into the examples I could give of truly moronic people, but I'm sure a few of you who read this can guess, and before the question is asked, yes, a few of those moronic characters inspired this portion of the blog. I believe that I've drifted off topic, yet again, so I will close this blog with one last thought. Think on this for a while, and then let me know how you feel about it. The same people who control knowledge, create morality. All we know are half-truths, and all learning is incomplete. True and complete knowledge can't come from what you've learned based on the intellect of others; true and complete knowledge comes from having been there to see and experience it for yourself.

Dear Diary, Today, I saw him. He was sitting on the bench just outside of the park, in front of my house. I was wondering if he’d ever visit again. The last two times he’s been there, he hasn’t said much. Today, though, he spoke to me. He has a voice like music. It’s amazing. All he said was “Hi.”, but it was enough to convince me that he’s not just a part of my dreams. He’s real. He speaks, he breaths, he moves. It still amazes me that one simple word can bring so much fulfillment to a desolate heart. For so long, I have felt that only I exist in this precarious state. The state between agony and loneliness. The state, in which many different paths can be taken, but only one has any light. I’ve been careful to not let anyone else see the pain, the searing regret for having to let go of every piece of me, before I could find something to hold on to. He’s the strength I’ve found in that darkness. Is it possible? Is it even remotely possible to find strength in someone whom I’ve never spoken to once, save for today. I’d like to think that it is possible. I think I have found my lighted path. Only time can tell. Sage Dear Diary, He was there again today. Today he rose as I walked past, on my way home, and spoke to me again. Does he know? Can he see it? It’s very hard to understand these new feelings. I haven’t felt them in so long. This can’t be real. Sage Dear Diary, Today, he wasn’t on the bench, which is his usual spot. Today, he was standing near the lamp post at the end of the pathway into the park. He asked me to take a walk with him. His name is Tavis. We didn’t talk about much. We just walked together in relative silence. It was uplifting. It’s like we’re linked on this frequency that only we can feel. Was he sent to me? Does he know yet that he’s exactly who I need right now? Sage Dear Diary, He’s amazing! Today we talked about life, and how things are intertwined. How fate can bring two beings together in the most critical points of their lives, and show them that one other exists who is exactly like them. I told him of my troubles. I told him of my mother and her passing, and how I’m terribly lost and very alone. How I’d rather cease to exist than wander this world alone. I wonder if he’s figured it out. Sage Dear Diary, I think he’s beginning to understand it. He makes comments about things that I never thought I let show through. I thought my mask was a little tighter against my face. Maybe it’s falling. He can see things that no one else can see. Today, he told me that he was here for me alone. He said that the fates brought him to the bench outside my home. I’m sure that he knows. I have to believe that. He said that he didn’t know where he was going, but that he knew he had to go there, he had to find me. It has to be true. I feel almost complete. Though he won’t reveal anything about himself, I feel as though I’ve known him my entire life. He’s a part of me. I can feel it. Sage Dear Diary, I’m no longer alone. He’s promised that he will stay for as long as I need him. What if I’ll need him forever? Would he be willing to stay that long? I couldn’t bear it should my light be put out again. I don’t know what I would do, and I can’t possibly promise to exist in a world where he is not. I won’t. He is that lighted path that I was so very intent on choosing. Nothing else could have possibly made sense. How could I have thought there was nothing more to life than self loathing, agony, and tyranny? Nothing made sense before him, and I fear that nothing will ever make sense without him. So, for as long as he is here, I will hold on to this light I have found, and I will do my very best to keep it shining bright within me. I will hold it tight against my chest, and the only way I will ever let it go is to have it ripped from my lifeless hands. That is all I can do. Sage

you know, i'm totally done trying to make everyone else happy. i'm sick of being the one who's there for everyone else, but when i need someone to be there for me, i get nothing. sadly though, i'm ok with that. as long as it means the other person is happy, i'm ok with getting nothing in return. it's part of being a friend. a person can only put his/herself out there for so long before they take themselves out of the equation. all i've ever tried to do is be a friend. if you wanted me to leave you alone, you could have just said so. you didn't have to totally ignore me and act as though i'm nothing to you. maybe i'm nothing to you, but you could have at least told me. it would have been easier to take than just being totally ignored. so, i'll give you what it is you want. i'll leave you alone, but just do me one favor, remember that when you need someone to talk to, i'll be here. i never give up on my friends, and i won't start now. just know that i'm done with being the first to make contact. i'll be here if you want to talk or if you need someone to lean on. you'll always have me.