Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

...and it's only Tuesday.

SSSC . THE OATH

The lamp post can swear it had seen me before. Instead as I stumble through the motel door. The dirty mirror also thought I looked familiar. But commented only that my suit was brilliant. The TV, bolted to the wall and cracked. Remembered how I cried and said I'd never come back. In the lacquer of the table I had carved my oath. With a burnt butter knife and this is what I wrote: Blaze it up! I pledge. To get their foot off my neck. Instead. I shall demand my respect. I fight. Even if I won't win. Alright. The beginning is the end. I pledge. To make the bosses cringe. Instead. We'll get some justified ends. I fight. 'Til the system is gone. Recite. This ex-losers song. Woo. Alright motherfuckers. Woohoo. Fight motherfuckers. Woo. Alright motherfuckers. Woohoo. Fight motherfuckers. I pledge. To live life as lesson. That said. Even the words are weapons. I'll fight. Show love in motion. Alright. Mountains move the from oceans. I pledge. There is no surrender. Instead. I'll expose their agenda. Fight. And make vampires bleed. Recite. This ex-losers creed. Woo! Alright motherfuckers. Woohoo! Fight motherfuckers. Woo! Alright motherfuckers. Woohoo! Fight motherfuckers. I pledge. That I'll taste each second. That said. I know each moment's a present. I fight. A battle fit for ballads. Alright. At two we hit the palace. I pledge. That we are individuals. That said. From you I am indivisible. Fight. And match the blaze of comments. Recite. This ex-losers promise. The carpet inquired. If I'd lay there again. And where was the girl. From when there last I had been. The commode refused to speak, as I made my escape. It knew every subtle nuance of my war-torn face. The concrete outside felt disrespected. It partly my fault it had been neglected. The precipice of fate is where I carved my oath. With the dagger from my back, and you know what I wrote. Woo! Alright motherfuckers. Woohoo! Fight motherfuckers. Woo! Alright motherfuckers. Woohoo! Fight motherfuckers. Na na, na na, etc...

So. Friday. Well, Friday evening... around six, I cried for the first time in eight years. Truly just fucking bawled, and I went through my phone and realised there was no one to call, no one I could talk to... And I was, well, I was in a very bad place. I think father knew this, as he told me to come by the shop saturday. First time in months. Well, I did, and Saturday was fair. Throughout, it was alright. Not super ecstatic, but I didn't want to put a bullet in my head, which is a drastic improvement. Well... then comes Sunday. It was Friday night all over again, without the crying, and, once again, around five or six, I was shutting everything down to go down to my room and... figure something out. Not sure if I was just going to sit there and stew and read, or devise the means of my own extermination. Whatever. Well, I changed all my statuses around, reflecting the latter. Which was probably my intent, in reality. I was done. I had finally broke. Finally hit that ugly place, called the bottom. Yeah, shit adds up at the bottom. But whatever, in that moment before I fucked off, someone im'd me on fubaaah... and the rest is history, but I have found the happy. The true and unadulterated happiness. Right now, I'm at a lull, but I'm not upset. I'm not unhappy. I'm not... Well, I'm not anything but content. I'm happy. Yesterday was a bit queer, but that was me being me, a self-doubting prick. Didn't question the happy at all, not in reality, but that's where it gets complex. And for the first time, I spoke of the happy to someone other than myself, which is ... well, it's a good thing, because I feel safe enough in the happiness that I'm not concerned about jinxing it.

I know, as of late... I've been wishy washy as fuck, as far as my moods go. Halfway between blowing my fucking brains out and surviving. But now... everything is good, everything is safe. I haven't found a job yet, which will be the cream on the cake, but whatever. That'll come. One way or another. Which is part of the reason I've been so fucked up... I mean, Friday night, I realised that no one wanted me. From friends to girls to jobs to my family. And I realised that it'd probably be better if I just blew my fucking brains out. Relieved that pesky cabin pressure in my brain. But here I am, and here I am going to... I'm going to stick around for a good long fucking while if everything works out as it's planned in my head, and even if it doesn't, so be it. 

NONETHELESS... that's all besides the point. I'm going to do my best not to dwell on the past, on the negative, and stay in the present, and maybe even a toe in the future. Because the past? It's got nothing for me. Not anymore. The future? It's only as high as I want it to be. I've got the world under my feet, and the world will be mine. Mein oyster.