Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

[Guns N Roses. 14 Years]
I try and feel the sunshine
You bring the rain
You try and hold me down
With your complain
You cry and moan and complain
You whine and tear
Up to my neck in sorrow
The touch you bring

You just don't step inside to 14 years
So hard to keep my own head, that's what I said
And you know, I've been the beggar
I played a thief
I was the dog, they all tried to beat
But it's been 14 years of silence
It's been 14 years of pain
It's been 14 years that're gone forever and I'll
Never have again

Your stupid girlfriend's tell you
That I'm to blame
Yeah and they're all used up hasbeens
Out of the game
This time I'll have the last word
You'll hear what I say
I tried to see it your way
It won't work today

You just don't step inside to
To 14 years
So hard to keep my own head, that's what I said
You know, I've been the dealer hanging on your street
I was the dog, they all tried to beat
But it's been 14 years of silence, it's been
14 years of pain, it's been
14 years that're gone forever and I'll never have again

Bullshit and contemplation,
Gossip's their trade
If they knew half the real truth
What would they say?
I'm past the point of concern
It's time to play
These last 4 years of madness
Have sure put me straight

Don't get back 14 years in just one day
So hard to keep my own head, just go away
You know, just like the hooker she said,
Nothing for free
Oh, I tried to see it your way
I tried to see it your way...

[Guns N Roses. Dust N Bones]
He lost his mind today, he left it out back on the highway - I-65
She loved him yesterday, yesterday's over, I said okay - that's alright
Time moves on, that's the way, he lived and hoped to see the next day - that's alright

Sometimes these things they are so easy
Sometimes these things they are so cold
Sometimes these things just seem to rip you right in two
Oh no man, don't let 'em get to you

She loved him yesterday, he laid her sister, she said okay - that's alright
Buried her things today, way back out deep behind the driveway - and that's alright

Sometimes these women are so easy
Sometimes these women are so cold
Sometimes these women seem to rip you right in two
Only if you let 'em get to you

Out on your own and you
Take all that you want and you
Forget about your home and you're
Just fucking gone

There's no logic here today, do as you got to, go your own way - I said, that's right
Time's short, your life's your own, and in the end we are just - dust and bones
Dust and bones
Dust and bones
That's alright
Dust and bones

Time is an odd sort of beast - it comes, it goes. Sometimes unnoticed and oblivious, sometimes, it leaves scars - welts and bruises. It leaves a mark, even if the mark is invisible. Sometimes, those scars are the worst. I have my fair share of scars, knotty sinew across my skin that will never truly heal, they'll always be there and visible. Most of which are self-inflicted. Some are from picking up broken glass and shit when my mom went on a drunken tear, but that happens. One scar from when I was like 5 and walked into a kerosene heater in a dark room just after it had been shut off. Some days, that scar is almost invisible, but it's been 20 years. 20+ years and it's still there. That says something about scars - they're not some benign source of sympathy, they are a reminder of what to avoid. Even the self-inflicted, and the stories that tie into them. I've learned from all my scars. At least - most of them.

Some of them, the hidden ones I will never see as they happened when I was too young to recall, I even learned from, actually. I learned not to have kids, and not to trust certain people with my kids if I ever do have them (from the story I was told, a baby bottle was thrown in my general direction because I was crying and it shattered on the floor as i fell onto it - something like that, but the source was drunk at the time, so it's to be taken with a grain of salt - one day, i might shave my head to take a gander, to see if those scars are still there if they ever were, or have Tori or someone take a serious gander... lol) BUT ... nonetheless, even those scars I don't remember the experience, I know the story and know to avoid them. Dig?

I was a kid, a little younger than Benny, so 5-6 and I broke my arm. Kid... Harlan Oliver, as I recall... He was standing on the bottom bit of the slide, on the edge... one of the old slides with the 3 sides, the Bottom, and the two shorter bits. Being a goof, like I was, I went down the slide and he was going to jump over me as I went down. Something to that effect, anyways, and pfft. Fucked if I remember what happened. It went dark, and when I came to, I was in a hospital with a broken arm and a cast. I vaguely remember getting into Genie's truck with the boys (her kids) ... Jeanie maybe. Whatever, it doesn't matter... and I think I've heard that we went to the hospital down in Decatur County and was promptly transferred to Indy (fuck small town hospitals.... LONG STORY)

What did I learn from that? To be cautious and not to be stupid.

Then, there abouts came the heater... Before or after, give or take. The winter before, maybe. I don't know.

Okay, there is one scar I have no fucking clue about - on my pinky, from the beginning of the nail and back at an angel for a half inch. I don't remember, but it's been there as long as I can remember, and there was nothing learned from it ...

Next would be this one around the centre of my palm. A puncture mark from a broken plate or picture frame or something of the sort... I don't remember what tear it was, it was around the age of 12, I suppose. 12 or 14. Old enough to be annoyed, young enough not to really see the warning signs... but in hindsight, I realise, it was one of the first bricks in the wall against booze. I fucking hate it. Alcohol. Manmade swill, and as someone who doesn't smoke pot and never really had a taste for it, I can say with no qualms that pot is much better than alcohol. Hands down, but whatever... it was there. It was one of those things that put me against it... that and the long rambling drunken nights that filled me with those invisible scars.... later, my friends. Later.

Hmph... There are a few others between then and here, but there's the big one - y'know. Well, if you know me, you know, if you don't know me, you've not got a fucking clue about it. No particular reason, I seldom feel the need to talk about it. Nor do I know, so I won't. That story is long and for another time. Funny as hell, though. Lemme tell you.

Then there's the ... 53 (give or take) on the inside of my left forearm... and what I learned from those was how to do it and hide it until they were healed, but also that pain was... comforting. It's the adrenaline rush, the warmth. There is passion in blood and there is love. Sweet jesus is there love in blood. As it trickles down. It wraps its warmth around you, and makes it just a little bit okay. It's the arms around me that I never really felt growing up, not until I hit puberty and started ... well, you know. We're all adults. Anyways... lot of scars there, all in quick succession, 5 or 10 at a time... there's probably a lot more, really, buried under one another... but what I learned... One that blood and pain kinda turns me on... but that's neither here nor there... but to avoid a certain type of girl. One of the 13 archetypes of women that I have encountered. Actually, it's like 6 or 7, but whatever. I'd have to ask Brandy, I wrote her this weird dissertation on the subject, broke them all down and explained them, and how all women seem to fit into one of those categories... the biggest being "Too Good For Me" ...right, so. This type of girl... the pathological liar, the sycophant, the emotional vampire. The Gemini. The Catholic. Oh yes.... That's what those scars taught me. That parasites take all manner of shape and form. Twitch...

Then, there are all the invisible scars... that are too innumerable to discuss... here. Pretty much. If someone had the patience, I might begin to be able to talk about them, but whatever. My biggest and most enduring, most impregnable wall - that invisible scar tissue. The bits of my heart and psyche and mind that have been swatted, cut and tore from my body. Keeps what's left guarded. Well fucking guarded and safe. The scars of wisdom. The wall that will be there... for the foreseeable future. I'm not a fortune teller, so I can't say it'll be there forever... but those cages have been rattled pretty well, and it has still stood. Kept me safe from suffering too much at the hand of any given relationship. Their tactics and artillery rattle and shake but does not penetrate.... Just the way it is.

The scars, over time, have built up...

As a for instance, those scars on my arm? They're so layered and so many that it no longer hurts. Desensitization, possibly... fucked up the nerve endings, probable... but what's done is done and there's not fuck all I can do about it. For better or worse, the scars and the wisdom has been permanently programmed into my being. Can you surpass it? Can you endure? Probably not...

[Guns N Roses. Don't Damn Me]
Don't damn me when I speak a piece of mind
'Cause silence isn't golden when I'm holding it inside
Because I've been where I've been and I've seen what I have seen
I put the pen to the paper 'cause it's all a part of me

In a song or a casual conversation
To hold my tongue speaks of quiet reservation
To urge once heard, they can place you in a faction
My words may disturb but at least it's a reaction

Sometimes I want to kill, sometimes I want to die
Sometimes I want to destroy, sometimes I want to cry
Sometimes I could get even, sometimes I could give up
Sometimes I could give, sometimes I never give a fuck

It's only for awhile, I hope you understand
I never wanted this to happen, didn't want to be a man
So I hid inside my world, I took what I could find
I cried when I was lonely, I fell down when I was blind

So don't damn me when I speak a piece of mind
'Cause silence isn't golden when I'm holding it inside
'Cause I've been where I have been, and I've seen what I have seen
I put the pen to the paper 'cause it's all a part of me

How can I ever satisfy you?
How can I ever make you see that,
Deep inside we're all somebody
And it don't matter who you want to be
But now I got to smile
I hope you comprehend
But the man can say it happened
'Cause this child has been condemned
So I step into your world
I kick you in the mind
And I'm the only witness to the nature of my crime

But look at what we've done to the innocent and young
Whoa listen to us talking 'cause we're not the only one
Trash collected by the eyes and dumped into the brains
It tears into our conscious thought, you tell me who's to blame

I know you don't want to hear me crying
And I know you don't want to hear me deny
That you're satisfaction lies in your illusions
Because your delusions are yours and not mine
We take for granted we know the whole story
We judge a book by its cover and read what we want
Between selected lines

Don't hail me and don't idolise the ink
I've held in my intentions, can you find the missing link
Your only validation is in living your lie
Vicarious existence is a fucking waste of time

So I send this song to the offended
I said what I meant and I've never pretended
As so many others do, intending just to please
If I've damned your point of view
Could you turn the other cheek?


Don't damn me when I speak a piece of mind
'Cause silence isn't golden when I'm holding it inside
I've been where I have been, and I've seen I have seen
Put the pen to paper because it's all a part of me
Don't damn me
I said don't hail me
Don't damn me