I want to sleep but it eludes me so. Close my eyes and wait for tomorrow to come. I feel no joy in this day. All I can feel is pain, the tears sting my eyes as my cheeks grow wetter by the second. I still don't understand why it had to happen, why he was taken from me. It aches in ways I cannot describe. Sometimes I fear I will never be happy again. Perhaps this is karma for a crime I committed in a past life, punishment for an act I do not know of. I once knew joy and there was a time when my smiles where more than a mask, they were my daily routine. Now all I want to do is cry. Scream at a fate that is indifferent to me. Do I sabotage myself or do you do it for me? Nothing seems real anymore, outside of this gaping hole my heart has become. My emotions are cardboard cutouts, mocking me with their falseness. I remember a time when I felt as if nothing could go wrong, magic surrounded me and love was most precious. Now I feel discarded, like a tissue thrown into the garbage. Worthless little pile in the corner, overwhelmed by shame and despair. I wish I was invisible, my tears couldn't make a sound then. I hear sobbing, echoing around me and I pine for a way to make it stop. Useless, worthless, helpless, joyless. I am less and nothing more. My world is in shambles and I cannot fix it anymore. I'm destroyed, shattered into a million pieces and impossible to be reconstructed. Am I to live the rest of my life as a shadow of what I could be? It feels like such. I can't believe that anything could be right again. I can remember him so vividly. His voice and his laugh. The way his arms felt around me and then I was safe. Nothing mattered and no one could harm me. It didn't matter how bad things were or what was going wrong, he knew the magical words to make it feel perfect again. Now, nothing will ever be right again. It's all broken and I don't know what to do about it. I would give my soul for five more minutes with him. He was my world and then it was gone.
I still remember the day as if it was yesterday. I was so scared. I didn't want to admit it but a part of me knew what was going to happen. But he told me it would be fine. He promised he would come home again. It was the first and last promise to me that he ever broke. I know that he couldn't stand the thought of telling me good-bye and I can't stand the thought of letting him go. I think about him everyday. I see him in my dreams and it hurts so much to know I'll never hold him again. I'll never feel his arms around me or his lips against mine. I'll never hear him whisper in my ear how much he loves me or listen to him yell at the video game. I'll see him smile or watch him sleep. I never smell him or taste him again. And I don't want to hear the cliche bullshit about how we'll be together again when I die. It doesn't help and it isn't true. I don't believe in heaven nor do I believe in hell. It's all a bunch of crap.
It's Valentine's Day. It's the "day of love." It's my first one without him and knowing my luck, it wont be the last. I implore all of you who read this, tell the people that matter to you how much they mean, not just today but everyday and every chance you get. It might just be the last chance to ever get to see them again. Never be afraid to tell someone how you feel because they might feel the same way about you. Don't go to sleep mad, you never know if you're going to wake up with them the next morning. Don't say harsh words you don't mean, you may never get the chance to correct what you said. And never, I mean never, take anything for granted. It can be taken from you without warning and you'll be left to ache when it does. Love is to precious and life is to short. Much, much to short for some. And when its taken from you, minutes will seem like hours and day like months while you wish for it to come back.
