I don't know why, but I find myself becoming more and more reclusive as time goes on. I can still remember when I was a "social butterfly" and I loved to go out with groups of people and have fun. Now, I hate being around people and I find myself being a bit elitist about who I talk to. I spend a lot of time with Cait, she's one of the few people I can stand one a regular basis. I get annoyed with even my best friends lately. I haven't been online near as much as I used to, and when I am I tend to hide either invisible or behind an away message.
I can't really name a timeframe for when my thought process shifted, for when I suddenly became this anti-social creature, more content to sit at home or go get coffee with one person. I suppose it was a gradual thing, just over time I became exasperated with society in general. I mean, a person can only handle so much before they snap. A woman in the movie will only listen to the guy lie so many times before she gives up and leaves. I guess I can only handle so many repetitious encounters of the same pretentious bullshit before I say ENOUGH ALREADY. I think I've hit that number.
Oh, that's not to say I'm giving up completely. I actually have to say that in the past year, I've come a long way as a human being. I mean, I went through hell and back, had my entire perception of reality destroyed with the utterance of a single sentence. Well, it's been just shy of 11 months technically, but the one year mark is coming up so bloody quickly. It's completely ironic to me, in a rather uncomic sort of way, that in one sense the year has flown by in a tremendous blur, but in the other, it's been horrifically slow and emotional. I don't know how to explain it really. I suppose anyone who's gone through a tramatic experience in their life could sympathize with my situation. And probably collaborate with my sense of time.
I'll be honest here, because really, when am I anything besides honest? I'm terrified of next month. It's going to be like reliving it all over again and I know it. It's a horrific timeline too. May 19th; my birthday. Then 6 days later, on May 25th; his birthay. Jump forward 6 more days to May 31st, and there's his date of death. Compounded on top of this, his son's birthday is June 1st. Fate has a fucked up sense of humor, doesn't it? I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this all over again. I guess I'm just gonna have to grin and bear it. I mean, what other choice to I have?
It's somewhat funny to me, when I opened the webpage and clicked on blogs. Saw the blinking cursor sitting in the blank white box, I contemplated hitting the back button. I honest thought to myself that I had nothing to say and this would be a waste of time. Goes to show, you can always be proven wrong. Even by yourself.
