ZT's blog: "The way I think......"

OK so, today I get a call from my mom right as get home to tell me that my dad has yet again landed back in the hospital. Now my dad has had a lot of problems with his knee's and stomach and so on and so forth. So I figured ok another surgery is about to happen. But she goes on to tell me that, he's in the hospital with an extremely high fever and they have no idea what's going on with him. I could handle her telling me just that, but then she went on to say things aren't looking too good for him right now. That literally shot me into a tail spin. For those of you that know me well know that I think and speak very highly of my dad. He's not only my dad he's my best friend. One of the few people, that no matter how ridiculously bratty, bitchy, childish, or out of hand I ever got he was always standing beside me, he's always had my back. I've put that man through a LOT of bullshit. But even though I did all that and then some, he still told me and tells me that he's proud of me and he loves me. And now I have the fear that I'm going to lose him. I know that most of you are thinking that I'm getting way too worried about nothing because we really don't know what's going yet. You don't understand, this is my dad. My dad is my drive in life, has been, always will be. I will full on admit to each and everyone of you reading this right now, I am a Daddy's Girl. And I don't care. He keeps me grounded, helps me keep a level head. Most of the time anyways lol. Pretty much what I'm trying to say is, I don't think I can face the fact that I might lose him. I'm no where NEAR ready for him to do that. And I can pretty much say that, I'd probably not be the same person if I did lose him. Am I OK? I'm sure that's a question most of you will ask and I'll tell you right here and now. NO THE FUCK I'M NOT. I'm a mess on the inside while smiling on the outside. Yes I know it's bad to keep shit bottled up and that I should tell someone how I'm feeling but you know what I don't want to. I guess right now all I can do is wait and see what's going to happen. I don't know if it's bad or not, but I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Really conflicting but I don't know what else to do right now. I'm terrified. And that sucks.

Love. It's a simple but yet so powerful word. But I see people and hear people throwing the term "I love you" around to the point that I feel like it's lost most of it's meaning. To me, I've always believed that when you tell someone you love them as in the phrase "I love you" you would basically lay your life down for them. That you care about them so much you would do anything, anything to make them happy. But people just throw it around like it means nothing. That just bothers me. When I finally tell a person that I love them (and this is all me nobody else) that means that I've basically put down every single wall that I've built and you know me 100%. I've told you everything that has made me who I am today. I've let you into my heart, which is an extremely hard place to get. I can't tell someone who doesn't know me, who hasn't seen me with my walls down that I love them. It's just not right. In my mind when you reach that level with a person where you can completely be yourself, tride and true 100% you, should be the only time you tell them you love someone. Or they love you. I guess these thoughts just steam from my experiences with love. All of which haven't been so great. I have some loves now that are amazing. Friends and such. But those are very few because I remember that I would tell someone I loved them and all I would get back was a "OK see you later!" That hurts, a lot. So I guess I've become very guarded in those that I say I love you too. I've always felt that you shouldn't say the things you don't mean and I really believe that if you decide to tell someone you love them, mean it with your heart, soul, and mind. All of you. Not just some "Oh he's/she's nice I LOVE YOU" Of course that's just me.

I wonder what it would be like if I picked up all my shit and left it all behind? It's not something that I'm considering, well not at the moment at least. Because here where I live, I have so many that I love and care for, I couldn't imagine just running off. But every once in a while, it crosses my mind. If like, just in the middle of the night I left, no note, no call in the morning. Just left. I wonder where I'd go, what I'd see, who I'd meet? Sometimes I absolutly love living where I live. And then, there are times like these, that I just wonder how much I missing out on things. Visiting places, meeting new people, shit like that. I don't know maybe it's just because of this funk that I'm in. I feel trapped, like I can't breathe half the time, and the times that I can breathe, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because the next fuck-up that I do is right around the corner. Ever feel like absofuckingtly no one gives two shits and a fuck about you? Even though you know that they do. I don't know maybe I'm just tired of getting stepped on every time I try to take a step foreward. Someone always has to open their fuckin mouth and tell you that you wouldn't be good enough to do it anyways. Sucks being the person that I am sometimes, unfortuantly I make the mistake of wearing my heart on my sleeve, being completely open and loving to most people that I meet. Always there to listen, be that silly little shoulder someone needs to cry on. And you would think that when you do that for people they would do it for you in return, but nine times out of ten they don't. And I'm OK with that because I know they know I care about them. Ugh I sound so fuckin emo right. I'm actually trying not to cry and laugh at the same time because of just how emotional I sound in my head when I read things back to myself. I've caught myself day dreaming about being some one completely different. Almost like starting over. Pick a new name, a new personality, just a new everything. I think I'm crying out because I'm tired of some people not loving me for who I am. I love me. So why can't they? Makes me wonder if I'm really that difficult to understand or get along with. It confuses me, because I have friends who seem to appreciate me for who I am. And then there are those that are so quick to cut me off. But I have no problem with me. Like I stated before I fuckin LOVE me. So what I'm loud, I say really rude shit, I'm a fuckin nerd, and I don't care. So why does everybody else feel the need to judge? Welcome to my thoughts......fun ain't it?